Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Unexpected Blessings

When I went to work last night, I expected to have a slow night, make maybe 20 bucks, and then go home and play Video games with the guys. Instead, I went to work, made almost $30, met a new Server, Talked into maybe coming to church (he's 17), had a good talk with heather, and then AFTER work i randomly decided to goto Wal-Mart. At Wal-mart, Jeremy Was sitting outside waiting for a cab! I got to give him a ride home AND we talked at his house until about 2:30 am!

I'm placed in Awe by God. I've felt so distant from him these past few weeks. but now, looking back, i've found that God doesn't feel far from me! He's placing me in these situations expecting me to excel, and I do! I got closer to Jeremy last night. It seems once again my 1st impressions were right. Me and him are VERY similer. We talked and shared, and realized we struggle with alot of the same things.

I'm very excited for this New Year. :)

Monday, December 29, 2008

Communion Serving

My church once again surprised me today. In the past, only the Elders and the Youth Minister have been able to serve communion. No longer. This Sunday a High Schooler served. But not just any Student. Kellen, our Autistic 21-year-old. As I saw this take place, it made me proud of this church. They may not have everything right, but how many human institutions do? They have quite a bit right, and they are trying VERY hard.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Ballad Unknown ~ Bait

Shifting sands are
tripping me up
my thoughts of lately
don’t seem to add up
they are
broken
misguided and running amuck on
where this
is going
and what’s up ahead for me

And the unknown
it plagues me
and it swallows me up in doubt
my focus is shattered
and my courage is cast about

In all this I wonder
where my mind
lost its touch
the truth is
worry puts me
out in the cold

I’m missing the moment
when I made my mind up
to follow my dreams and
never to give up
but the future
it beckons
for me to make a move
to a place
I’ve not seen
and It’s hard to take that step

Imagination spent
to center on this bane
is wasted and
I’m left with nothing
more than complications
I can’t see through
can’t get my hands around this threat

And the unknown
it plagues me
and it swallows me up in doubt
my focus is shattered
and my courage is cast about

In all this I wonder
where my mind
lost its touch
the truth is
worry puts me
out in the cold

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Censoring

I've always found it amazing that Christians seem to "hate" secular music, and i've always found that odd. today, riding around with my brother, listening to non-christian music at unsafe volume levels has given me a theory; what if non-christian music actully touches us?

Christian music is very important too me. there are bands that I love and touch me. But i wonder if when we "censor" our music, we sensor one outflow of the soul. not even just for musicians, but everyone. It seems that my musician friends are more easy-going about music, but people who are not are more picky about music(that seems paradoxial).

Non christian music is Raw, Uncensored, Free. I've always "known" this, but i became aware of it today. Songs that I could be fired over at my church(probobly an exageration) that touch me soul. Songs that really touch on how I feel. Songs that I daresay give me hope. If someone else can think and feel this way, then something isn't wrong with me. i'm not different anymore. i'm not "the wildcard".

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Make it stop

It's amazing how EVERYTHING seems too hit all at once. My mind is completely full. Thoughts race through my head making it hard to focus. I can't work, sleep, read, or even play video games. I woulde trad almost anything for just a few hours of peace and quiet "upstairs". And yet, every little thing around seems to Scream reminders of one of the many things barraging my brain.

Someone, make it stop...

Please...

Rants on Lovers

What exactly defines "A Dating Couple"? What makes a "girlfriend" different from all your other friends who are girls? When exactly do u cross that line and make someone that..."special"?

Lets get the easy stuff out of the way. Facebook is not the authority, nor is Myspace, and neither is the opinions and feelings of "busybodies" who may call themselves "matchmakers". Pretty sure this is something between the 2 parties involved.

Alright, well, fromt he worldly viewpoint, The physical side could be that boundry. But then you could ask "physical how?", since you probobly occasionally touch your other "Woman Friends". So, romantic touching? Sexual touching? from the worldly view, yes! Too bad that view won't work out. A Sidenote on that.

Imagine. Everytime You say "I love you", Everytime you rub someone's back, hold thier hand, or kiss them, you are giving them a part of yourself. You are taking a moment in time and forever marking it with this event, this memory. And then, 6 months later you 2 broke up because "you didn't have chemistry". So where do all those emotions and memories go? Nowhere. They follow you, for the rest of your life. Now you're doomed to compare your "future loves" kisses, back-rubs, and even dancing ability to you're past "conquests". Congrats.

I'm not really sure how I feel about Dating. It has so many pressures, connotations, misconceptions, and shortfalls, that I think I would rather just Propose to a Good friend and skip the whole "dating" thing. (Gasp! Patrick's lost his mind! you can't skip Dating) Why? (Because, you just can't) Hmm..well, what about people in the past who never dated. they met, became friends, and went for it. (but it's a cultural thing! you have too) False. We are aliens and strangers. I think we're aloud to not be slaves to the culture we're in.

I never did answer those questions above, did I? personally, I think that 2 people who are truly in love, don't need to have "titles" to wear around and show off to others. I trully think that they can have a mutual undestanding that they just like each other alot. I am NOT saying Friends with benifits. honestly, I think dating is, at times, an excuse to kiss and hold hands, just like marriage can, at times, be an excuse for sex. Friends can touch each other affectionatly, but respectfully.

The further the friendship deepens, eventually the two people decide they want to spend thier lives with each other. This is not the first time romance enters the scene. However, it is possible to be romantic without being extremly physical. The couple gets engaged, because now thier serious. now that they are serious, they announce it too the world. Dating, is a joke. You announce it to people for bragging rights and glory.

I'm sorry if i'm stepping on people's toes by saying that, but this is how I feel. And quite honestly, how i've felt for a year-ish (and yes, i dated during this year).

Please, share you're thoughts and doubts and complaints. If u have hatemail, I ask you send me a message or Email. gijimbob@labyrinthts.com

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Cell phones

I wonder what it would be like if we suddely wound the clock back 15 years. We watched "Jingle all the way" at church tonight, and i was struck by the lack of cell phones. now, the movie came out in 1996, but seriously. what would people do today without Cell phones, Email, Facebook?

I think its amazing how dependent we are on these things. Some of my friends and I would have zero contact without these things, and yet, because of this, I do have more people to keep up with which demands more of my time.

I will have to ponder this more when it's not 2 am.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Try

I got to hang out with some of my "old Friends" today and it was different. these weren't like "super close" friends of mine or anything, but they were friends. Hanging with them was so different.

I have grown up alot recently. this doean't mean i'm perfect, but i have changed, for the better. not my friends though. they have changed, but for the worse. they have poor laguange, bad relationships, and zero regard for other people. and once again, when i mentioned i was a pastor, they cleaned up thier act for me.

(sigh) I sometimes wonder about people...

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Man up!!

I am an anti-confrontational person. I try to avoid ruffling people's feathers whenever possible. In fact, if I can find a way to not talk to someone about a known disagreement, I won't.

And most of the time, I'm not very opinionated. It's because I don't have a "dominant" personality, it's just i simply don't care most of the time. i'm not picky about food, music (mostly), or many other things. This has helped me avoid alot of conflict in my life.

Oddly enough, it's also caused conflict in my life. I met this girl. She's great. We're good friends. So we started dating. Little to my knowledge this girl, who is a very sarcastic and at times demanding person, Wanted a guy would stand up to her. someone who can tell her no. Someone who doesn't accept every word from her mouth as straight from the divine. And I of course, not assuming she was right, but simply not wanting to fight, didn't argue with or stand up to her. We have since talked about this and I now understand that I need to man up.

all that to say...

Recently, I've been thinking about the paradox of having "two lovers". It's so wrong, but so right. I'm in love with God, and I'm in love with this girl. And as I said before, they are in love with each other as well. Yesterday, at work, I asked God why I have to be "the man" in my relationship with her, and yet be "the girl" in my relationship with Him. Doesn't seem fair. She gets to be the girl in both, So why do I have to do all this extra work? Why do I have to play 2 separate parts?

I don't.

My problem in my relationship with Jessie is I would never question her or stand up to her. If she said something, regardless of my instincts, I assumed that what she said was what was really going on. The problem is, with girls, there is the hazard of them not saying what they really want. It's not because they're dishonest or anything, they simply don't know what they want at the time. They are being flooded with so much emotion in the moment, that they cannot make a rational decision. They try to communicate this subtly, but being a man, subtly is often lost on me(or I catch it but assume i'm wrong).

Now, when dealing with God, I don't think I have this hazard of him not knowing what he wants. But i do need to "stand up" for myself to him. When God told abraham what he was going to do to Sodom and Gamorah, Abraham said, "Will not the Almighty Do right?". He was asking if this was part of Gods character! Can "God" do such a thing?David asked Go to change his mind about killing his son. Moses asked to see God. Even Jesus(God himself) asked God "why have you forsaken me?".

God is asking me to rely on him. I rely on Jessie for many things, but I still have to be a man. otherwise, i'm a wimp. a pansee. This makes her not like me.

I don't think God wants a Pansee Patrick any more than she does.

Fighting

I got to go back to work today. it was good. I enjoyed the days off for awhile, they were nice. But life becoming...too easy. I needed some resistance. something to fight against, to fight for even.


And i'm starting to draw parallels between Video Games and Real Life...

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Unexpected Changes


"Life is very strange", she said. "Or is it only strange because it isn't what we expect? If we expected the strange and unexpected to happen then would it seem so strange? Or would it just be wonderful?".

I find it funny that we can have so many plans, idea, dreams, and yet, this world is ever-changing. It's always advancing, always turning, and always seeing new faces. That's not a bad thing, it's just slightly frustrating sometimes.

What If we truly expected the unexpected to happen? What if we actually relied on God?

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
~Matthew 5:25-34


Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that." As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil. Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins.
~James 4:13-17

Monday, December 15, 2008

Moderation of Adoration



So, I'm in love. Hardcore. Head over my heels. I can barely think of anything but my Love. But there's a problem.

My Love is SO out of my league. And it's not just me saying that. And my Love Demands respect and honor. But I just want to Love Him. It seems that Loving God and respecting and honoring him would go hand in hand. So am I doing it wrong?

----

But then, I have another Love. She is closer to my level, though I'd still say she's out of my league. Me and her have had great times Learning and growing together, and then of course just being together. If I had my Way, I'd spend every moment I could with her. But I tried that already, and it ended disastrously. So Now I have to Choose to not spend (some) time with this Amazing Person in my Life.

----
Of course, i don't have to choose between the two loves, for they both love each other as well.

So on the one hand, I need to spend more time...

On the other, I need to spend Less...

You know, this may be hard...

But its WAY more fun than being "single"! :)

Tradition

As many of you know, I do not agree with everything that goes on at my church. To list a few things:
  • We sing the same songs every sunday
  • the Elders Serve Communion (almost exclusivly)
  • They slander the character of past ministers
  • They preach and teach something that is at times ENTIRELY different from the word of God.
  • When they use the word of God, they use the KJV because "its the best".
I do not like this. Some of these things bug me on a weekly basis! And some of these things are simple by-products of Tradition. This church has "done it" this way for half a century. It used to work. for the size that the town of Neosho used to be, High street was Bustling! But things have changed. The town of Neosho has become a small city, and many things have changed. Caucasians are no longer majority, The town is about 10-12k, and much of the city has been sub-urbanized.

I Looked at this church and wondered why they couldn't see the need for change. I found the reason today. I watched as a poem was read (a poem read every year on this second sunday of dec) and people cried tears of joy. I've had people tell me how excited they are for the youth's christmas program, as it's always a chance for fellowship witht he church and to show these "troubled kids" a little bit of God's Love.

This little church has the biggest heart I think i've ever seen. with a AWA of 50, thier AWO is 1.5K. that's amazing. They love the kids, and sypathize with thier troubled lives, but i think they just don't know what to do. They may worship the same way every week, but they pour themselves into the worship. they do thier very best to make sure its perfect, so that God will be pleased with thier offering of time.

I don't think God cares whether or not it's perfect, but i know he sees those old, tired hearts beating every so strongly for him.

I think Tradition isn't "evil", but as i always say, "Everything in Moderation".

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Family

I find it truly amazing that we are able to have family away from our families. Here at OCC we have a best friend, who knows us as intimately as we can be known (like a spouse). we have our immediate family, those people we see every day, we live life with, and share our hopes, dreams, and fears with. We have our "reletives" who are the people you know and occaisionally see and hang out with. then of course there are the distant reletives, people you know and love, but barely ever see.

We are leaving our families for a month to see our real families. I miss them already.

Dis' her be a shout out!

I was sitting at youth group today and had a revelation: I was the Youth Minister. Umm, duh smart guy, you have been for 2 months! But this was the realization that I was doing what what i'd always wanted...and hadn't thanked God.

I'm back at OCC after a Foray away. I'm The Youth Minister at a church (the kind of church I've wanted to work in), and Hope is once again fostered in a broken relationship. I have lifelong friends, God-honoring knowledge, and occasionally spirit-filled wisdom. All these things i've been praying for relentlessly.

And now they're here. I have them. Things that I've worked for and asked for have finally arrived.

So this is a shout-out to the one behind it all.

Thank you God for allowing me to Return to OCC. Thank you for blessing me with a church and giving me wisdom and grace to work with these youth and teach them about you. Thank you for Blessing this nearly broken relationship, and thankyou for helping us to relalize That YOU are the only Just judge. Thank you for filling my life with blessings, blessings I miss every day.

I Love you.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

All Things New

Its a new season, with new weather, new challenges, and even some new people.

So...NEW BACKGROUND!

Ryan Aikins

Ryan Aikins is currently the Youth Minister at Inola Christian Church (ICC), a small church in Inola, OK. Ryan is 31 years old, has a wife, Heidi, who is 27, and they have two kids, Brooklyn age 2, and Hudson age 6. Heidi is an elementary school teacher, and teaches at Hudson's school. However, they both have decided to sell everything, and move to Manzanillo, Mexico to Become Missionaries and serve the Lord. However, maybe we should look at the story leading up to this.

In the year 2004, Ryan was the Youth Minister at ICC when he and wife decided to become missionaries in china. It started with a mission's presentation about Missions in China. Ryan said he felt something "stirred" inside of him. They looked into it, researched it, and prayed A LOT about it, and decided to go over. They had a very interesting time raising support and selling their possessions. Money seemed to come from nowhere and people who they knew were going "from paycheck to paycheck" were committing to monthly Support. Finally, when they had raised the support and completed the preliminary training.

While they were there, they learned that Culture shock comes in waves. Sometimes you feel really good, and you're in the honeymoon or tourist stage. Other times, you feel like trash and you want to throw in the towel and give up. Ryan told me of one time when he was talking to some friends back home on the phone, they mentioned that they were going to watch Transformers together. There are all kinds of little things that you don't realize you're giving up when you decide to go overseas. He said it was like transplanting a Plant. You remove the roots from the soil and at first you have no soil at all, then you land in your new home, but it still takes time for the roots to grow into the soil and become strong and solid like they were before.

After 3 months however, they were faced with a major set back. Their young daughter Brooklyn was suffering from some sort of breathing disorder. After visiting the hospital in China, they determined they would have to go back to the states for her treatment. The doctors in the US said it was pollution related. She would be unable to recover if she went back to China. This left them with a tough decision. Stay in China to serve the Lord and risk harming their daughter further? Or Go back to the states to save their daughter, and "abandon" the kingdom work in China?

They returned to the states. Ryan doesn't think God required him to work right there in that particular spot. However, even after returning to the states and returning to ICC as the youth Minister, they still felt a passion for overseas missions. While they put 100% into what they were doing here, they desperately wanted to go to another country to serve the Lord, and even more-so after their "failure".

This past summer, they took their Youth Group to Manzanillo Mexico on a short-term mission trip. After that, and the recent National Missionary Convention (along with LOTS more prayer) they have felt God Calling them towards Mission work there. They are starting even now to make arrangements, and will begin raising support full-time this coming February 2009.

I asked Ryan What I should do if I were to feel God calling me towards overseas missions. He said there are 2 major things. The first and most important thing is to continue to grow spiritually. When you are working harder to advance the kingdom, Satan will try harder to stop you. Therefore, grow ever closer to the Lord Jesus, and become stronger in your faith so you will be ready for the trials WHEN they come, and they will.

The second major thing is to make networks early on. You want to have connections whenever you go looking for a team or even to raise support. Its one thing to get assigned to a team with a bunch of people you may wind up not getting along with. However, imagine if your two best friends and their spouses, along with your wife, were your team. That would be much more fun, much more practical, and much more productive. The main thing is, in any situation, Trust in the Lord.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Survivor

Hope...Is always Warranted.

Perhaps we simply have to change the way we look at the world. or maybe we need to change the way we look at each other!

Or maybe how we look at ourselves.

Every cloud has a silver lining. If you can't see it, ask HIM to show it too you.

Monday, December 8, 2008

pointless...

I find it funny how we can ask for people's criticism, and be asked to give criticism, and when the opportunity presents itself, we run and hide in order to "save a friendship".

In the process, the Friendship is damaged. Pointless...

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Beauty

I sat here, at subway, looking at my water, contemplating all the different kinds of impurities that could be (but probably weren't) in my water. After a minute or two of this, I decided i was thirsty and drank it. when i took my drink however, the ice in the cup caught the reflection of the sun and refracted it into my eyes.

What I saw was beyond description. It was Beautiful. Quite possible the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I tried to recreate it for a few seconds, but all I got was some weird looks from the other patrons.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

No clue this time

Red and wet and full to the brim,
Am I when i am healthy,
and I desire success and fame,
And always to be wealthy.

But deeper still I hold inside,
the needing to be held,
I want to find another of me,
And too it, i will meld.

But with the holes that cover me,
Hard I am to fit
And even to come closer too
The who my story writ'.

Indeed my need for Love is great,
And yet is greater still,
The desire for for this body of mine
of Red - To have it's fill.

Not what you think

Hope is the answer
To the riddle below,
But the answer to this one,
I doubt you will know.

Red is her color,
But then so is green,
And most of the time
Her influence is unseen.

But when it is noticed
its loudly proclaimed
and yet of this glory
she is so ashamed.

For she only wishes
that love, Joy, and Cheer,
Be sent from the father,
through her all the year.

What is it?

Starts with an H

Small in stature,
Rarely spoken of,
But very important,
And part of all Love.

My users are addicts,
And one only needs,
One drop of my goodness,
To go spread my Seeds.

What Am I?

Motivated




Friday, December 5, 2008

Faith, Hope, and Love



I remember when I came to school after this summer. I was so full of hope. Hope for my Job at IHOP, Hope for a ministry, Hope for a relationship, hope for classes. Even the "little things" like dancing, watching movies, having worship nights...being with people I care about!



Here I am at the end of the semester and hope is somthing it seems I have to ration. If I "hope to big" I'm afraid my dreams will be dashed. I did hope to big about somethings this semester, and I did get hurt, but I can't stop hoping.


I want to go swing dance. I want to Go christmas Caroling. I want to have a worship night in boatman lobby. I want to hang with peple I love and Care about and do something stupid! I want to dance, even if we don't do it at the dancing place, it's about dancing with people! I want to sing carols, even if there is no snow! it's about spreading Christmas Cheer and HAVING FUN! Not about some frozen water.I want to play guitar with 3 or 4 friends and praise God.


I want to share stories of God's love and power with them, and have them share them with me. I want to grab some people and make them do something spontaneous, because I know deep down they want too. Finals don't matter, Class doesn't matter, and "being wierd" doesn't matter. Not in comparison to this. Faith, Hope...Love.


People need those more than grades or a reputation.

Scene and Herd

So here it is, it's just me.
A different drummer, but the same old beat.
It seems like everything is gonna be just fine.
'cuz I'm having a good time.

As long as I'm staying true to myself,
Then how it is is something I can sell.
And I can sleep at night without your help, It's fine.
'cuz i'm having a good time. OH!

The Scene and Herd
seem to make it all just a little bit worse
and I don't wanna go down that road,
Oh no, no, no.
The Scene and Herd.
I'll be the first to tell you I'm worse,
but I don't wanna go down that road.
oh, no.


And I'm sorrowed that you probably
magically got this song for free.
(ha) I'm not sure if it bothers me it seems fine,
'cuz I'm having a good time.
And the path I take to validate,
Everything I do means everything I create
is Knocking on the door of everything I hate, I'll decline.
'cuz I'm having a good time.
WHOAHHH!

The Scene and Herd
seem to make it all just a little bit worse
and I don't wanna go down that road,
Oh no, no, no.

The Scene and Herd.
I'll be the first to tell you I'm worse
but I don't wanna go down that road,
Oh no.

No, No, No, No, No.
No, No, No, No, No.

Well everyone's got something on their mind,
and this is my thought, I'm just pressing time.
I'm gonna say what I want, it might not be what you want to hear.
Oh, Oh, Oh.


The Scene and Herd
block out the sun like a flock of birds
and I don't wanna go.
I don't wanna go.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

zoom zoom zoom



After our Elders Meeting last night, One of the Elders asked me what year I was in school. He was wanting to know how long they could keep me. I Jokingly said, "Well, at the rate i'm going i'll be here for the next 7 years!" He laughed, but then he said, "Sounds like you in a hurry. Be careful with your school. Don't do it fast, Do it right."

Joseph was thirty years old when he entered the service of Pharaoh king of Egypt. And Joseph went out from Pharaoh's presence and travelled throughout Egypt.
~Gen. 41:46

30 years old?!? That OLD! Joseph had spent years in slavery and prison. Life was just passing him by. But he entered the Lord's Service and wound up saving the Nation Of Isreal.

I've been So weary this year, And I know why. I've been rushing into things. I rushed back to school, into classes, into a ministry, into a relationship, and i'm about to rush out of my house.

It seems everyone here is just in a hurry to graduate and "do some real ministry". A Friend of mine said "I want to get married and i'm not getting any younger!"


Why must we rush? Can we slow down and relax a little?

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

the verdict's in

I've decided after reading through my blog that i'm very fickle. It seems my entire mood changes over the smallest chages in my circumstances.

Step inside my Office

It's wild what can happen in a year! I started this blog a year ago tomorrow and it's really cool to watch how my thoughts have been throughout the time!

***
I sit here in my dormroom, and I'm drawing comparisons from it to my life. My desk, My workplace, is covered in clutter from a few bouts of lots of use, and lots of time of no use. I of course spend no time cleaning my Workplace unless there is Someone coming in such as Mom, or the girls for Open House.

My Bed is not made, and it doesn't even have pillows since i forgot them back home. I have only a (QT) Towel to rest my head on. The bolster behind it is where I keep the Items i wish i used more often, but hardly do: Some school books, sunflower seeds, batteries for my guitar pedal, and my "g-pa" hat. The only items on the bolster that see frequent use are my printer and my Dream Journal. Hidden away inside the Bolster is all my foodstuffs and my RPG "secrets".

My shelving has many books on it, most of whish i have either never cracked, or read and then discarded them to thier eternity on the shelf. Little used Supplies and Items rest on the highest shelves, with Awards from forgotten times in High School Line the Front. Sticky notes filled with Short-term motivatation from weeks long gone hang on the shelving.

My floor of course has a few pieces of Dirty Laundry, along with Items used recently that were not put away. My Trashcan would be full had I not emptied it yesterday, and my hamper sits abandoned outside of the closet, its home of the past.

The closet itself is nearly barren. There are empty hangers, a stained shleving, and my work clothes for IHOP. There are also testaments to my Lethargy: Unfolded clothes, an air mattress i borrowed from my aunt this summer, and a cup full of money to give to the business office for school.

Then of course, across the invisible chasm of silence, sits Nick, my roomate. I have lived with this man all semester. I've met his closest friends, and he's met mine. And yet, we've had probobly less than 10 conversations this entire year, most of them involving questions like, "you want a drink?" "can u grab the trash?", or "can I turn out the light?". A man with his own life, his own story, his own part of the grand history of Grace... And I don't know him. Of EVERYBODY on this campus, I should know him. but he's a stranger to me.



Things are gonna be different, starting today. Alot of other things are too.

They Have Too.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

I'm Bringing Hefty Back

I'm bringin Hefty Back, (yeah)
those tummy tuckers don't know how to act, (yeah)
A twinky in each hand is where its at, (yeah)
and All muh boys know who they callin Phat (yeah)

Skinny Babe,
You see these steaks well baby i'm thier slave,
I'll let you hold bones from the ones I ate,
and then i'll have free hands for pie and cake.

Come here girl
(go 'head and eat it)
Come to the fridge
(go 'head and eat it)
Make me some meat
(go 'head and eat it)
Pack it with heat
(go 'head and eat it)

Getcha hefty on
(go 'head and eat it)
Getcha hefty on
(go 'head and eat it)
Getcha hefty on
(go 'head and eat it)
Getcha hefty on
(go 'head and eat it)

Confusion

So many reasons to Stay...

  • IHOP is my Job during the school year

  • I can be here with a few friends

  • I can be on my own here away from home

  • My Church is closer to here than home

  • My Parents House is not my home anymore(just feels wierd)

  • Quiktrip and I are no longer on the same page

So many Reasons to Go home


  • There are 4 weeks to break, thats a long time to be gone from home.

  • Quiktrip is a good Job

  • I have Old friends at home, many of whom I have not seen in long whiles

  • I'm safe at home.

I don't know what to do....

Monday, December 1, 2008

The Apple Tree

I was walking through the Forest
I came upon an apple tree
I looked upon the highest branches
And in delight I did see
The most gorgeous looking apple
I do believe I’ve ever seen
I knew right then I wanted that apple
But it was at the top of the tree!

And so at once I started Climbin’
Higher n’ Higher up the tree
Bout 2/3rds up I got real tired
And said that’s good enough for me
And I looked at the other apples
Even though they weren’t as good
And then when I returned to climbing
I missed the place I’d aimed my foot

I fell out of the tree and too the ground
When I ‘came too’ I looked up
There at the top still was my apple
Telling me to ‘give it up’
As I climbed she pleaded with me
Sayin’ that I might prefer some pears
I fired back ‘no I like apples
And you’re the best apple anywhere’

All this talk of pears and apples
Really is just a metaphor
For the way I feel about you
And the mistakes I’ve made before
I wouldn’t let you try to love me
And my shame is greater still
For took you for granted
And around you I wasn’t real

I promised you I’d write a song for you
Just before I said I’d never lie
And so my darling let me tell you
What I’m feeling deep down inside
You may not think we go together
You may think we belong apart
But babe I know we’d last forever
I know it deep down in my heart

But girl I will not take you anywhere
If you decide you don’t want me
But I’ll no longer chase an apple
Or treat you like some dumb trophy
And so i'm sorry for the mess i've made
But through my falls I’ve learned a lot
See now I’m looking for a best friend
And girl you’re the best I got

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Independence Day

My Home is no longer my home. It is my Parents house. I can't stand being at home for more than 3 days or so. I'm really worried about this Christmas Break, spending that much time at home. I really want to stay in Joplin for break. In fact, I just might. I asked David Conrad if I could stay at his place, and he said more than likely. I'll have to look it over, and talk to my parents and such, but I really want to do it.

I'm so tired of 'floating' at home. I wanted to see them, I was homesick, But a whole week was just too much. This one week was terrible. I can't Imagine a whole month! I love My family, but I don't belong in the same house as them anymore. I am my own person. I can't go home every other weekend, and I can't stay in 'someone else's house' for an entire month. I need to be independent, however I can.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

One person

I find it Absolutley amazing how much one business can change with the removal of one man.

Quantum Physics

Since i write a Review of Twilight, I Figured I might as weel do the new Bond: Quantum of Solace.

The movie was Full of Action in the typical Bond sense, and had many scenes including a car chase, several gunfights, and even a rooftop chase. While havig a Decent plot and plenty of Action, the Movie moved very fast and very slow at times. during the action scenes, the camera changes every second most of the time and the viewer gets lost in the panorama of stimili. During other scenes, the movies seems to advance so slowly that the movie becomes almost uninteresting.

As a Bond fan, i was very disappointed with this bond. His "sense of Style" and Suave seems lost in this movie. He wears a suit for less than half the movie, and hardly ever carries the signature "playboy" air about him. While he still manages to Bed one woman in the Film, he is seen less as a womanizer and more as a person in this film. However, You should Re-watch Casin Royale before you watch this one or you'll be lost on some of the plot elements.

In Short, The movie Was overall very well, but confusing at points. I give it an 8 out of 10

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Can you be overcautious?Is there a point that you leave the realm of wisdom and re-enter the realm of folly through the door of reason and caution?

Can you actully plan to "just have fun"?

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

I wonder if you can get thoughts surgiclly removed...

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

19 going on 20

I was watching 13 going on 30 today with my sister. Believe it or not, I enjoyed the movie the first time i saw it, and even more this time. Its such a funny movie with a complicated but yet innocent romance in the middle. However, it really made me think.

If I woke up tommorow to find I was thirty, based on the choices I have made now, would I be happy? What about my Job? Would I be surprised? Would I be impressed? Disapointed?

What about role models? Friends? my Wife? would I have a relationship with my parents? what about kids? My life could be alot of fun, or alot of suck.

And it's all based on choices I make right now.

Apples

I love apples. The flavor, the texture, I even like the skin. And when they come right out of the fridge, and they just barely start to condescate, thats gorgeous.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Band Break-up

He walks in at 11:30 at night, makes eye contact with me, then goes up to bed. I just don't understand people sometimes.

So much for rockband.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

The Twilight Zone

So I wound up being the transportation for my brother and abunch of his (girl)friends to go see twilight. I got a free movie out of the deal so I figured why not. I now am going to write a review of the movie as requested of a friend of mine. Don't worry, I will include no spoilers (but if you've read the book i don't think it matters).

Well, to start things on a positive note, the CG effects were actully pretty good, for being a low budget movie. As an amateur film-maker, I know how some of the effects were made, and I applaud the producers for thier creativity with limited resources. Although the sound was sometimes a little behind the visuals, It was a very enveloping experiance whenever a CG heavy scene came along. Even without the CG, the chosen locales and Lighting were very visually stimulating.

Less than stimulating however was the dialougue. Many lines seemed "stuffed in there" like they had to be in the movie somewhere. Several lines seemed "forced" by the actors, and didn't seem to have the right (if any) emotion behind them. At some points in the movie, the two leading actors simply listened to each other breathe. Now, I understand that couples actully do this on occasion, but you don't put it (at least not minutes on end of it) into the movie. And while the story was romantic, because of the "dragged out" length of the film it loses its vibrance. There was never any emotion stirred within watching this film.

Of the actors themselves, I thoroughlly enjoyed the actors chosen for the parts, with the exception of edward. Bella was cute and vibrant, though she seemed to have the same look on her face the whole movie(a sort of depressed confusion). Her father was a character and was probobly my favorite Person in the movie. Edwards family was also very intuitive, each with their own personality (seemingly more personality than the leading characters).

Edward however, never seemed to come out of the haze that surrounds his character. He is supposed to be mysterious, but it seems as soon as his personality starts to form in the viewers mind, he does something out of character. You never really learn anything about Edward during the movie.

In summary, the Movie was visually stimulating, but lacking in true Story development. I give the Movie, a 5 out of 10.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Some things never change

I've been back at QT for 2 days, and i'm already getting sucked in. I've been reminded constantly how much more money i'd be making to be an Assistant Manager or even just a clerk trainer. I'm even tempted by a potential scholorship oppurtunity.

*sigh*

Gimme a book and i'll do my best to overcome.

Home away from Home

So, of all the people I know, I'm the last person i ever expected to get homesick. But here I am, at home, and there's nowhere else I think I'd rather be. I've missed the little things mostly:
  • My shower - LOVE IT!!
  • The Fan in my room
  • the couch's in our living room.
  • The feel of our upstairs carpet on cold mornings
  • Mom watching a romance movie on the Hallmark channel
  • the sound of Ryan's Rap from upstairs.
  • the condescending looks from Nacho - I seriously enjoy his utter contempt for others!

In addition, many things have changed.

  • We have a dog now...an Indoor Dog...ugh...
  • Grant lives in my room for now
  • they black-topped the road to our house
  • I have a new manager at QT (why yes, i am blogging about QT! lol)

I've these people and places. I know I can't stay here though, even though I Love and do miss it. It's kind've wild to wonder, is this my last Holiday Season to live at home? Do I have one more? What about this Summer? Will I be at home?

*Sigh* Life is SO much different now...

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Identity: The 5th Psycho-social Stage of Development

I've always talked about working with youth. I Always talk of being a Youth Minister. But what if I missed something? What if I, now getting to experiance different kinds of ministry, have now decided that Youth Ministry is not for me? How do I know i'm not just getting cold feet?

I've always wanted to be a minister, even when I was little. When I was 16 I started dreaming of having my own business. Last Fall, after several talks with Micheal Brumley and David Conrad, I decided to have a self-proclaimed minor in church planting. This summer, i got to talk with Jeannie Conrad about her love for New York, for church planting there. I read the "Irresistable Revolution" and said to myself, this is what I want to do.

All this semester, I've found myself falling away from "intellectual faith", and I've been less than thrilled while working working with youth. I now realize my view of youth ministry is based on Lock-ins, Retreats, Camps, CIY, Xbox Parties, and other bastions of ZERO spiritual growth in the church. I find myself more and more at odds with the "organized church" and more and more in love with the worldwide body of believers.

Now I'm in a church. Living the Dream. Being a Youth Minister. I Hate it. I hate the Church politics. The slander I get from the members. The condescending smiles and fake generosity. The way they treat me as some child. They tell me what I do is important, but give me zero capacity with which to work. I pick up kids, bring them to church(so the building is more full) and then I take them home. I'm not even responsible to have lessons, just to "Have them doing somthing" to quote the pastor. The parents don't care about the kids. It's all about the church "feeling good" because they have a youth program. They have "growth". So instead of working at something, they can sit back and relax on it.

Don't get me wrong, I love the kids. But I don't want to see them only twice a week. and when I do see them, I have them all, from ages 2 to 22. That is no enviroment condusive to any learning. Besides that, i only get these guys for about 2 hours a week. That's room for "enormous growth". But I Can't live life with them because I live so far away and They are outside my social circle except within the church.

Maybe I should just change my major to missions. Or church planting. Or (gasp) something non-ministerial. I'm kinda tempted to just apply for the QT scholorship and just go to OSU. I could take Gen-Ed classes that will fit under just about any degree. I don't know what for, but surely it would be easier than sitting here with zero money, and living (as a friend so eloquently puts it) "Fake Life".

And once again, here I am, questioning the very fabric of my existance.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

I think i'm just moody...

Why don't you just say so

I just don't get it.

I feel This.

I get that.

I've learned here.

I've grown there.

I've humbled myself here.

I've grown a backbone there.

I've asked and asked and asked and asked and...

...

A note, a comment, a miracle...

I'm not picky how, just tell me...

Irresistable Revolution

I've been reading "Blue Like Jazz" by Donald Miller. This book makes Following christ come alive, like an adventure. It reminds me of "The Irresistable Revolution" by Shane Claiborne.
It makes my walk with God come alive. It makes me want to drop everything right now, goto NYC, or Dallas, or even Dublin, London or Paris. I would like to run some kind of business(like a coffee shop or bookstore or even a grocery store) and just share Christ. I would show them that "Christianity" has done a poor job of portraying the true Jesus, and I would tell them that there is a God who loves them. But first I would show them that love.

I've always had a passion for youth. I've always had a passion for dying churches. If I did this, my main focus would still be youth, especially Teens and college students. I feel like If i'm going to do this, I need to plan for it now. I can't wait till i'm old, because then i may lose oppurtunities (most people my age don't respect anyone, much less older people as they tend to tell others what to do.)

...

I find it funny that both times I've come to bible college I find a new reason to leave.
so i've found the answer to all my problems!

Turns out, men have periods too!

http://answers.google.com/answers/threadview?id=431376

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

A Walk in the Park

My walk with God has many elements.

My Favorite parts are of course the easy parts. I enjoy the walks through the beautiful Gardens, seeing old friends along the path, and thanking Jesus for the beauty he has created. Of course I enjoy these times, for they are easy and fun. However, I don't usually grow much in these times.

Other times I'm motivated. I turn around and ask Jesus to pick up the pace. I take life 2 steps at a time. I see loved ones and rush on by them because I'm "too busy". Then I turn around and see Jesus standing next to them, waiting for me to come minister to them. I usually just keep plodding figuring Jesus will eventually catch up.

And sometimes, my walk is in the rain, uphill, with a mudslide coming. Every step I take I feel my calves stretching, no, burning. My entire body aches with emotional pain, which I turn causes physical pain. I call, I yell, I SCREAM for Jesus to come save me. To bad he just hasn't caught up yet.

I think the most important parts are when Jesus and I find a good sized rock or a couple medium sized ones, and just sit down and camp out. We sit and we talk about the walk so far. Sometimes he imparts knowledge of the road ahead, but most of the time he just says "stay behind me". People always want to come in and sit down and join us, but if they do, I always miss having one-on-one time with Jesus. These moments seem few and far between, and yet, I'm the one who chooses when we take a break.

I hate that I can sit here and realize all this in front of my computer. On paper, I look really spiritual. I can articulate words, theorize about the trinity, and talk about dreams and passions of mine of advancing the kingdom. It doesn't matter. I'm just as much fallen as the Axe-murder and the Serial Rapist, and the Political Bigot. The only difference is that I've accepted Jesus blood. God looks at me and Sees a beautiful, righteous, child of his.

Monday, November 17, 2008

True Story

I want to tell you a story. Its a story with many elements:

an apple tree
a guitar
a band
a friend
a gift
a christmas
a tragedy
a hug
a roller coaster
a close call
a phone call
a text message
another phone call
a week away from it all
2 weeks back in the middle
a moment of silence
a good movie
a refreshing conversation
a walk in the park
a picnic
a road trip
a kiss
a fall
a recovery

...

a girl.

I want to tell you the story, but I Don't know how it ends yet.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Learn

Do not rebuke a mocker or he will hate you; rebuke a wise man and he will love you. Instruct a wise man and he will be wiser still; teach a righteous man and he will add to his learning. The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.
~Proverbs 9:8-10

I sometimes wonder if i am capable of learning anything.

I constantly struggle with my self-esteem. My Youth Group seems just fine without me, the pastor wants me to preach, and responsibilties pile up! How can I do all this?

People hurt me. Repeatidly. A friend of mine has done this to me multiple times now. And I take it and walk on. I keep forgiving her. That's all well and good, but am I naive? Do I need to "act" more hurt? Or am I "doing it right"?

All this goes through my head a few days after I Blog on value. Today in my sunday school (that I teach) I taught about doctrines found in Genesis. One of them is the Idea of God making us in his image. Imago Dei. Value.

Jesus, i'm always asking for your help. Why is it so hard to just LET you help?

Friday, November 14, 2008

And WHEN you pray...

Thanks for giving us the benifit of the doubt Jesus!

I'm always telling people i'm praying for them. For some of them, I am. But for most of them, i'm not. I understand my prayer is not nessecary for God to be "informed" of thier problems, but I still need to do it. So I got this Idea from Chris DeWelt.

Somebody asks me for prayer? Pray for them. Right there.

This helps with memory as it gives an experiance to hold onto.(ironic from yesterday's blog) It is powerful to the other person. How much difference would it make from somebody saying they'll pray for you as compared to somebody who drops what thier doing and prays with you right there? Pray on the phone, in person, through email, letters, even FACEBOOK!

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Rememberance

On tuesday, i was thinking about stuff in chapel that I wasted to blog about(which i did). I didn't want to forget about it, and so following suit of a dear friend of mine, I wrote a Keyword on my arm so i would remember. I just looked at my Arm, and its gone. That not especially surprising since i've showered twice since then (soon to be three). However, it got me thinkin.

Do you remember what you had for lunch a week ago today? Yes, you could prolly figure it out, but do u remember? Off the top of your head? What about that talk with your best friend you had 2 weeks ago? do you remember what it was about? Probobly. Do you remember every word? Probobly Not.

I am amazed at the ability of the Human Mind to intake information, sift through what is important, and discard the rest. I am also amazed with people who have trained thier minds to discern other things as important. What do you think is important?

What things do you remember? Can you call to mind the faces of your friends? Sometimes, I can't. Can you hear a friend's laughter in your mind? I can recreate any one of my friend's laughs in my imagination. But after about a week, I forget what my friends look like. I can still recognize them in person or in a photo, but i can't just summon thier face to mind.

The Human Psyche is intricate indeed...

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Valuble

Forgiveness...

It's such a strong word. This isn't the word for the simple hurts and pains that your friends and family do to you. This is the word for when the option is revenge. Making them Hurt. Taking from them what they took from you. Showing them that you can assert yourself as a person and show that your not down and out just because they harmed you.

Forgivness is hard. It involves denying your own interests in view of the others. Forgivness is never easy. Forgivness is when you want every second to make that person hurt, or at least know how much you hurt, but instead you don't. You told them at one point that it hurt, and you told them you forgive them. So you put on the smile, act like its all alright, and live life. And eventually, it is alright. The bitterness fades, the anger subsides, and your friendship is restored.

(disclaimer: The above is not aimed at anyone in particular. I would defeat my own point if it was.)

I don't think Jesus Forgave us...

Let me explain. Looking at my above description of Forgivness, I don't think thats what God did. Yes, he did do all of the above, but his anger was great. his wrath was great. He couldn't hold that in like nothing happened. He couldn't change his character to associate with us and our sin. So instead of Forgiving us, he Redeemed us. He gave a piece of himself, and obliterated it on the cross. He was mutilated physically, Abandoned Spiritally, and broken emotionally. The entire man of Jesus was Abused and Beaten...

For you...

Don't you dare complain about your inadaquacies. Don't you dare say your not good enough. God made you, and he made you with a purpose. Yes you are fallen. Yes, you will make mistakes. But Christ took every one of your sins to hell with him when he died, locked them away, then rose again 3 days later to tell you about it. You are not doomed to repeat your mistakes. You are Free from sin by the Blood of Christ.

You are made valuble. Not because you are, but because the Lord of All thinks you are valuble. Guess what?

His opinion is the only one that counts....

Sunday, November 9, 2008

ripples

life really is a pond...

Even if you think your life is insignificant, everything you do makes ripples...

Everything

Friday, November 7, 2008

Reality Check

I had a big dose of reality hit me today. WAY too much at once. All at once, I realized the vast scope of being a youth minister, of being a OCC student, of even being more than a "mediocre" Christian! I wanted to quit. In that moment, I would have dropped everything if asked.

I look at other Youth Ministers, people i've looked up too, people who have been my mentors...are now my peers! I'm not ready for this! I'm not ready to serve in this capacity! I have 2 high school boys in my room right now, reaching for someone, anyone, to show them Jesus. And I keep telling myself "It's not me", "I'm not ready".

I talk about being passionate, about putting God first, about sacrificing myself and my desires. Turns out, that actully involves losing things I like, it involves giving up certain Freedoms. SURPRISE!

Thursday, November 6, 2008

My Future Decided

You hold the future in your hands
You know my dreams and you have a plan
And as you light my way, I'll follow you

My eyes on all of the above
My soul secure in all you've done
My minds made up
And you are the only one for me

Jesus, savior, in my life you are everything
My future decided, I will praise your name
And I know that I am, I am yours
Yeah, I know that I am, I am yours

You hold the earth in your command
You are the rock on which I stand
And as I live each day, I'll follow you

My eyes on all of the above
My soul secure in all you've done
My minds made up
And you are the only one for me

Jesus, savior, in my life you are everything
My future decided, I will praise your name
And I know that I am, I am yours
Yeah, I know that I am, I am yours

Aren't afraid, aren't ashamed Lord we know who we are
We are your people and we won't be silent
Unified hear us cry at the top of our lungs
You our God and we will not be shaken

Aren't afraid, aren't ashamed Lord we know who we are
We are your people and we won't be silent
Unified hear us cry at the top of our lungs
You our God and we will not be shaken

Jesus, savior, in my life you are everything
My future decided, I will praise your name
And I know that I am, I am yours
Yeah, I know that I am, I am yours

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Verses for the day...

I am feeble and utterly crushed; I groan in anguish of heart. For I am about to fall, and my pain is ever with me.
~Psalm 28:8, 15

You are my hiding-place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance.
~Psalm 32:7

I wait for you, O LORD; you will answer, O Lord my God.
~Psalm 38:15

Monday, November 3, 2008

Fluidity

Life is ever-changing. One day your involved in normal life, the next your struck by a debilitating disease. One minute your participating in class, the next you wake up from passing out in that class. One second, your laughing and carrying on with your friends, the next you find out that the 2 most important people in your life are probobly going to die. A morning, a phone call, a moment, and life is forever changed. It brings a new perspective to everything. What would you do if any given person around you died tonight. What would you do?

Someone told me today they didn't know how much evil was in the world till they came to bible college. Isn't that wierd, since we share our pains, our fears, our burdens? We share life with each other. We Love one another. On secular campuses, they have a "mind your own business" additude, but here, we are a community. We have found that there are benifits to sharing our burdens that are not only desirable...

...They are Nessesary.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Supposed too

I was listening to the Song Hosanna the other day, and suddenly became curious as to what it actually meant. While I didn't search any in-depth sources(i.e. i stuck to Wikipedia and Websters), The only definition i could find was "an Exclamation of Praise, adoration, and thankfulness". Cool. But did I mean that every time i sang it? surely not. I said it because it's a part of the song. I'm supposed to say it.

But why do I call God a King? Lord? Savior? Because I'm supposed too?

Why do I greet people? Am I truly happy to see them? Why do I Thank people? Am I truly thankful for their gift?

Why do I tell My girlfriend, or my parents that I love them? Do I truly? Or am I just Supposed too?

I call God a King, Not because I am Supposed to, But because I make him the King of my life everyday. I call him Savior because he pulled me from the fiery pits of hell.

Words are important. Small actions can convey deep feelings. The lack of the same can hide those very feelings. I claim to Love God's word, but I also try to apply to my everyday life. imagine if I said I loved it, but never opened it up or changed my Behavior because of it. I would be a liar.

James said, Faith without Works is Dead. I would argue that love without actions is not truly love, but manipulation. That is not Love. That is hate.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

High stakes

I make an appointment with someone, with you perhaps, for sometime in any of your tomorrows, and all the future tomorrows that follow your yesterdays.

I reach out into a future that neither one of us can see, and i plan a meeting with you, and ask you to trust me to be there with you.

I stretch myself into unpredictable days ahead and make one thing predictable for you: I will be there with you.

I create a small Island of certainty in the swirling waters of our uncertainties; the certainity of my presence with you.

I make space in my life for you that you know will be there waiting for you, even if every other place is crowded.

These are some of the things I do when I make a commintment to another Human Being.

How strange it is when you think about it, that a mere human being can take hold of the future and fasten one part of it down for another person.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Devastation and Reform

Sometimes I really wonder if I'm getting this love thing. I'm not talking about my relationship with Jessie(even though I am). I don't love people. I act like I do, and yet something inside me is constantly fighting to get out. It's the part that hates other people. Makes me Jealous, Makes me Angry, Makes me a bad friend.

Thankyou God for me the Insight
So I might make these wrongs right
If and when there ever is a next time
Cuz failure is a blessing in disguise.

Pull my heart out, Reconstruct
In the end it's nothing but
A shell of what I had when first started.

You've given me everything I need to succeed. I have a desire to serve you. I hate screwing up. I want to do my best for you...and I want to feed my ego. I need to come to realize(like I did this spring) that when I screw up it's a chance to learn. To serve you in a better, fuller capacity.

Thy Brother's Blood Crieth

This is a poem about the reality of hell. If you don't want to be moved, don't read this.

By Amy Carmichael

The tom-toms thumped straight on all night, and the darkness shuddered round me like a living, feeling thing. I could not go to sleep, so I lay awake and looked; and I saw, as it seemed, this:

That I stood on a grassy patch, and at my feet a ravine broke straight down into infinite space. I looked, but saw no bottom; only cloud shapes, black and furiously coiled, and great shadow-shrouded hollows, and unfathomable depths. Back I drew, dizzy at the depth.

Then I saw forms of people moving toward the edge. There was a woman with a baby in her arms and another little child holding on to her dress. She was on the very edge. She lifted her foot for the next step... Then, to my horror, I saw that she was blind. Before I could say anything she was over, and the children with her. Their cries pierced the air as they fell into the inky blackness of the ravine!

Then I saw more streams of people flowing from all quarters. All were blind, stone blind; all walked straight toward the edge. There were shrieks as they suddenly knew themselves falling, and a tossing up of helpless arms, catching, clutching at empty air. But some went over quietly, and fell without a sound.

Then I wondered, with a wonder that was sheer agony, why no one stopped them at the edge. I could not. I was glued to the ground, and I couldn't even yell; though I strained and tried, only a whisper would come out.

Then I saw that along the edge there were sentries set at intervals.

But the intervals were too large; there were wide, unguarded gaps between. And over these gaps the people fell in their blindness, unwarned; and the green grass seemed blood-red to me, and the ravine yawned like the mouth of hell.

Then I saw, like a little picture of peace, a group of people under some trees with their backs turned towards the ravine. They were making daisy chains. Sometimes when a piercing shriek cut the quiet air and reached them, it disturbed them and they thought it was a rather crude noise. And if one of their group started up and wanted to go and do something to help, then all the others would pull that one down. "Why should you get so excited about it? You must wait for a definite call to go! You haven't finished your daisy chain yet. It would be really selfish," they said, "to leave us to finish the work alone."

There was another group. It was made up of people whose great desire was to get more sentries out; but they found that very few wanted to go, and sometimes there were no sentries for miles and miles along the edge.

Once a girl stood alone in her place, waving the people back; but her mother and other relations called, and reminded her that her furlough was due; she must not break the rules. And being tired and needing a change, she had to go and rest for awhile; but no one was sent to guard her gap, and over and over the people fell, like a waterfall of souls. Once a child grabbed at a tuft of grass that grew at the very edge of the ravine; it clung convulsively, and it called - but nobody seemed to hear. Then the roots of the grass gave way, and with a cry the child went over, its two little hands still holding tight to the torn-off bunch of grass. And the girl who longed to be back in her gap thought she heard the little one cry, and she sprang up and wanted to go; at which her friends reproved her, reminding her that no one is necessary anywhere; "The gap would be well taken care of!", they said. And then they sang a hymn.

Then through the hymn came another sound like the pain of a million broken hearts wrung out in one full drop, one sob. And a horror of great darkness was upon me, for I knew that it was "The Cry of the Blood".

Then a voice thundered. It was the voice of the Lord, and He said, "What hast thou done? The voice of thy brother's blood crieth unto me from the ground."

The tom-toms still beat heavily, the darkness still shuddered and shivered about me; I heard the yells of the devil-dancers and weird, wild shrieks of the devil-possessed just outside the gate.
What does it matter, after all? It has gone on for years; it will go on for years. Why make such a fuss about it? God forgive us!

God arouse us! Shame us out of our callousness! Shame us out of our sin!

If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth.
~1 John 3:17-18

Saturday, October 18, 2008

well...Meh!

you know, i have something i could write about, but i just don't want to.

It's not that's bad to share or anything, i simply don't want to write about it!

...So yeah, there's my being assertive for the day.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

To the Victor...

Yeah, that's right.

Today, I beat Jackie Scharfenburg(sp?) at ping pong.

I came back from a 15-20 deficit to a final score of 24-22.

And I ate a Klondike Bar.

Owned.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

The Plan

Occasionally I try to imagine my life in 5 years in the future. Theres so many questions I ask myself. What am I Doing? Where do I live? Am I Married? Who to? etc.

With all the questions I ask, theres one I never Ask. I never ask if I'll be following God's will. I do ask how, but never if. I have a burning Passion to serve the Lord. I know that in 5 years I will be serving the Lord, or with the Lord.

The rest is Details.

As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord
~Josh. 24:15

Monday, October 13, 2008

Re-Do

So its not a confusing decision, i know That i have to make a decision, it's not a hidden problem.

Ok, and I know the right answer, and I know the wrong answer, there's no gray.

I pick the wrong one.

So...how do i fix it? I know i don't get a straight up re-do, but can I talk the issue through and maybe make repairs now before there is irrepparble damage?

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Albumns

Today I was looking thorugh photo albumns with Jessie and her family of her baby pictures. I was listening to all the stories that went along with each picture, watching her parents and friend talk about her so lovingly, and listen to her intrigue in those same stories, and I realized something... Other people have lives too.

It seems so obvious, and yet at the same time, its so easy to forget. People aren't just robots programmed to act a certain way for our benifit, People are people. They have interests, stories, dreams, inside jokes, just like everyone else. I think that its the main part of marriage: promising to share that life with someone else, not just sometime, but ALL the time. living in the same house, the same room, the same bed, virtually no escape from that person. I do find it good that I learned this before I went into ministry, and I pray that I remember it well.

I realized for probobly the first time today (even though it's obvious) that i'm not the only one who loves Jessie. She has affected more people than just me in a positive way. She has made memories, changed lives, and just been a part of life with other people. I cannot be selfish in asking her to spend more time with me, even if I enjoy it.

Besides the fact that I would never want to hurt her, I now know all these other people who would be hurt if she were ever to be. She is an incredible person, and yet it seems like she is a vase; beautiful, but fragile. If i'm not careful with her, I will harm her irreppablly. All I can hoope to do is affect her life in such a way that she puts me in those photo albumns too because she wants to remember me.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

I am Your's

What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.

You adulterous people, don't you know that friendship with the world is hatred towards God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God. Or do you think Scripture says without reason that the spirit he caused to live in us envies intensely? But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says:

God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.(Proverbs 3:34)

Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.

Brothers, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against his brother or judges him speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it. There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you— who are you to judge your neighbour?

~James 4:1-12

God has answered alot of my prayers. God has also not answered alot of my prayers. I look at what i've done with some of my answered prayers and see why. Many things I ask for, I ask for with Selfish motives. I only ask so that my life with be easier, or more pleasurable. Rarely do I ask for something on the sole basis that I NEED it or that It would help advance my ministry.

Look at Verse 4:

You adulterous people, don't you know that friendship with the world is hatred towards God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God.

I like to think that I am a friend of God. But sometimes in seems like i'm only helping myself. But then James says God has more grace for us, And gives us the answer in verse 7 and on:

Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you...Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.

Father, starting today, i'm resubmitting myself to you. It doesn't matter what I want or what Jessie wants, or what I think. You are my Lord and My God, and whatever you say is the final word. I am your's.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Testimony

In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord seated on a throne, high and exalted, and the train of his robe filled the temple. Above him were seraphs, each with six wings: With two wings they covered their faces, with two they covered their feet, and with two they were flying. And they were calling to one another:

Holy, holy, holy is the LORD Almighty; the whole earth is full of his glory.

At the sound of their voices the doorposts and thresholds shook and the temple was filled with smoke. Woe to me! I cried. I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the LORD Almighty. Then one of the seraphs flew to me with a live coal in his hand, which he had taken with tongs from the altar. With it he touched my mouth and said, See, this has touched your lips; your guilt is taken away and your sin atoned for. Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, Whom shall I send? And who will go for us? And I said, Here am I. Send me!
~Isaiah 6:1-8

Chris DeWelt is probobly my least fovrite Professor this semester. From the standpoint of a Student, i don't like his class. He is constantly going on tangents, he is drawing strange conclusions, and his emotions seem to be a major part of the curriculum. However, as a man, I have come to Highly respect him.

Chris is one of the most passionate people I know. He is serious about God's work, and is convinced that God is serious about missions. He displays a love for people and cultures that i've heard about but have never seen. He talks about individuals, specific people, not just statistics on a powerpoint. He gets going on rants about how selfish we are as American Christians, and I don't like it...because I know he's mostly right. He talks about the poverty and utter depravity people live in, and it brings him to tears.

I Want to be like that. I want to be SO passionate for advancing the Kingdom, for saving youth, for educating Christians about Serving God, that I cannot think about myself while speaking or thinking about it. I want to be Sold out for Christ. To be like the Apostle Paul...

I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death...
~Philippians 3:10

To this end I labor, struggling with all his energy, which so powerfully works in me.
~Colossians 1:29

Here am I. Send Me.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Mmmm...Stress: Delicious

I don't react well to stress. I take great pride in my ability to deflect stress. I can take small amounts, in fact it ussually makes me work better. When i was at Quiktrip, being stressed during the 6am work rush was something I actully looked forward too. But if get Large doses of stress, I break down. I become this dark person. I have to focus everything I am on not hurting people especially those I care about the most. I'm not sure people understand how much of a monster I can become.

Today, i called into work, spent a few hours working on papers with Jessie, and had a talk with a dear friend I hardly get to speak to anymore. On top of all that, i have a good portion of one of my major papers finished. Talking to my friends about thier issue made me go into Golden Retriever Mode and stop thinking about myself. Once you do that, it's easy to not be stressed. I think if I get some good sleep and make it too this weekend I should fully recover.

And of course, getting back into the habit of daily prayer and bible reading couldn't hurt either...

Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no-one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

~Isaiah 40:28-31

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Priorities

I Love my Friends. They are so understanding. Even if they are the best at making fun of me (AKA keeping me humble), They would fight for me if they needed to. In fact, They fight for me and love me even when i'm not being a good friend to them.

This is an apology. I'm sorry for being the crappy friend I have been the past few weeks. Some of you may say, "it's cuz You have a girlfriend now", or "you have alot of homework", or "You haven't been that bad", to which i say your still just defending me. A Couple of you may be saying, "ah, he finally noticed!" to which I say, if I do this ever in the future, slap me around and tell me.

Quite Honestly, i've just been selfish lately. I've stayed out late with Jessie, I've manipulated those around me to get what I want, I've pursued my own desires. I've not been spending daily communion with God, and it shows. It's amazing how much of a difference there is when I spend time with the Lord Daily. 2 weeks ago, i was Joyous, encouraging, and stress free. This week, i've been cranky, manipulative, sarcastic, and completly tired.

Those of you that Read this need to know I love you. I have not been showing it lately, and i'm very sorry. I'm making myself and you a promise right now to change it.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

You've got Mail

It's amazing how much can change with one email.

I recieved a facebook message just now from a Ex-dear friend of mine. Someone who had a falling out with me, and we stopped maintaining contact. She told me she wanted my forgivness. I feel like I should be asking for hers.

This relationship had its faults and failures like any other, but until this point we were both pushing them under the rug. Now we are pulling them out, dusting them off, and trying to find a way to reconcile them without repeating our mistakes. Whether we will become friends again or not is not clear, and I would dare say it's less than likely, but there is peace now. Peace in knowing that I can use this knowledge to better myself and my current and future relationships.

God, you are truly a God of wonders.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Quiet Foo!!

I had a bad night at work last night. I forgot my service book, I only brought one pen, I kept forgetting people's drinks and food(even to punch them in the computer), and I had several cooks, servers, and customers mad at me!

But I made $90.

Sometimes i think God blesses me to show me how wrong I am. Yes, He does chastise me sometimes, but he also blesses me. All included, i actully had a really good night at work. the only thing that made it bad was the fact that I was so focused on myself. If had been more outwardly focused, i would hav had a better night. I pride myself on being an encourager at IHOP, but last night, i was the griper.

A prudent man conceals knowledge, but the heart of fools proclaims foolishness.
~Proverbs 12:23

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Family Matters

So, i've never dealt with any measure of homesickness before. i've always dreaded (for the most part) returning home, especially since going to college. However, I forgot to call my dad for his birthday 2 weeks ago. my brother Sean's birthday is tomorrow, and i'm not just calling him, i'm going home to visit.

I miss my family alot. I'm worried about Ryan in school, i'm worried about Sean's Spiritual Walk, i'm worried about my dad and his responsibilities as head of the family...

I'm really excited to go home. I don't expect it to be all peachy, fuzzy, happy, blah blah blah...thats never gonna happen. on the contrary, i'm going to be made fun of, ridiculed, told I am gay, "offered" drugs, and my girlfriend will prolly get mocked too. But that's ok, because thats how my family rolls...blunts that is!

he he, gotcha ;)

Always on my mind

So, it seems like i'm excellent at "learning a lesson" a week or 2 in advance, and then later on when I NEED to KNOW what to do (even though i "already learned") I fail.

Father, I'm sorry. I don't know how your not tired of hearing that from me, but i really am. This of all things, i never thought would come between you and me, but it has. Help me fix this. You are Truly the most important thing to me. Give me the strength to always keep you in that place.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

L-O-V-E

I've never been in this place before. I took a leap of faith, and now it feels like I'm flying; and i'm not alone. I know that we can't fly forever, but I almost want the hard times to come, to see if we can take them on. It feels so right, and I know we have the Lord's Blessing. I close my eyes, i see her. I look at something else, it reminds me of her.

I know that alot of this is just feelings and emotions. I also know we've been through alot together.

I love you Jessie.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Mercy

They came to Bethsaida, and some people brought a blind man and begged Jesus to touch him. He took the blind man by the hand and led him outside the village. When he had spit on the man's eyes and put his hands on him, Jesus asked, “Do you see anything?” He looked up and said, “I see people; they look like trees walking around.” Once more Jesus put his hands on the man's eyes. Then his eyes were opened, his sight was restored, and he saw everything clearly. Jesus sent him home, saying, “Don't go into the village."

~Mark 8:22-26

Ask any of my friends if i'm a sarcastic person, and they'll prolly respond sarcasticlly that I'm not sarcastic at all. I get quite a bit of enjoyment out of picking others apart and belittling people. One of my favorite pastimes is making fun of Women. Now, i'm not against women's rights or anything, i simply like pressing their buttons. I even admit doing this to my Girlfriend(she ussually my primary target).

Peter buckland was talking about Mercy for a bit today. He is a sarcastic person himself. he says its normal for us guys to pick on people, especially women. Women are naturally sweet and caring(its they're nature) and we as men can be relentless at making fun of them because of that. He said we should practice Mercy towards them more.

I think Women are merciful towards us all the time. They are sweet, caring, and loving, even though we give them crap all the time. The only time Women are not is when a) they reach a breaking point or b) when they have been constantly abused by men into being sarcastic creatures out of self-defense.

Imagine what would happen if all men started treating women with Love, respect...Mercy...


Eve was God's gift to Adam. Now her daughters are literally everywhere, and all we can seem to do is complain about how long it takes for them to put on makeup! Would it change your outlook to understand that she puts on that make-up (at least partially) for your benifit? sure, we'll all say we don't care, but at the same time, she lovingly puts forth effort on your behalf and you ridicule her for it?

Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as (co-)hiers with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers. Finally, all of you, Live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble.

~I Peter 3:7-8 (Emphasis and Parenthetical added)

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Passion...

i feel like a religious fanatic. but i'm not.

I'm in love. it just so happens i'm in love with the Lord of...well, everything!!!

Dreadful Love

Have you ever been worried about someone else? Not like a casual, "oh i hope they're ok" but a true deep sense of dread surrounding someone else's future? It's like you see something coming that they don't, even if your not exactly sure what it is, and you want to protect them, but you can't because they won't let you and you don't know exactly what it is.

and then you come to the conclusion that your relationship isn't deep enough for you to make that assumption anyways, so you sit idly by until they come running for help from something you (think you) could have prevented.

God is Love.

...I don't envy him, this Love stuff is hard.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Control

Sometimes, i am amazed at the amount of control i have over my life. It seems like whenever I want something, i get it eventually. I sometimes like to bask in my ability to control my enviroment.

Then Jesus tells me to get over myself.

I have very little control over my envirement. really, i have no control at all, only a percieved control. the only thing i can control is my reactions to the enviroment.

Isn't it nice to know
That the lining is silver
Isn't it nice to know
That we're golden
Yeah we're golden Whoa

I found a love in me
I always somehow knew that it existed
It just needed to be set free
Bon Voyage

Regardless of what is going on, I can maintain a healthy additude. I can be the guy who encourages other people when thier having a bad day. I can be the guy who even in times of adversity can be the one who points people to Jesus through a Life of Love, and the Words of the Gospel.

When I go Down,
I lift my Eyes to you,
I don't look very far,
Cuz you'll be there...

...with open Arms
To lift me up again
Yeah, lift me up again

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Worry

Stress.

The love-killer. The failure-maker. The...Scapegoat?

I think sometimes we give more credit to stress than we should. This past 2 weeks, i've been on a emotional roller coaster. I was in love, and was terriblly afraid the person I loved was going to force me to let go of her. But then, when i asked, she grabbed ahold of me, only waiting for me to ask her.

I've been trying to figure out how i'm going to pay for school. frankly, i still don't know.

The Ministry I applied for didn't work out, and now I want to Pour myself into Villa Heights to better its youth.

I have alot of Homework, though most is still a week away, and my ability to make good grades directly effects my future ability to pay for school. and of course, being in a brand new relationship, i want to spend time with Jessie, but i must budget my time wisely between her, my other friends, and of course, homework. When I look at it from my perspective, it seems like a precariously built tower, intricatly supporting itself while i try to move it. one false step here, or to much tension there, and the whole thing will collapse on itself.

But then I try to look at it from God's perspective. I think from his, it looks more like book. Even though the words convey tension, and every part is extremly dramatic; even though you don't know what will happen in the next chapter, or even the next page...the fact remains, it's already been written. The Ending is already laid out. God authored the story, gave me my place, designed me a certain way, giving me all the tools and abilities i'll ever need, and now we wait to see if i'm the same as his original character sketch.

So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
~Mathew 6:31-33

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Worthless huh?

This is what the LORD says:
What fault did your fathers find in me, that they strayed so far from me? They followed worthless idols and became worthless themselves.
~Jeremiah 2:5

In Psychology today, Dr. Zustiak talked about mid-life crisis and even students who go through a period of "finding themselves". He really mocked people who go out doing such things. he said something very profound, and i quickly got paper out and jotted down the quote, which may become a slogan of mine. He said,

"Self is not out there waiting to be found, it's waiting to be Created. You are what you Commit yourself too."

He quoted Jeremiah 2:5, showing that God's own people became worthless because they followed the worthless idols. He talked about people who commit thier lives to finding themselves; and how they become guilt-ridden fools who are searching in vain.

You are what you Commit yourself too.

I'm commiting myself to the service of the Lord. therefore, my passion, my dreams, goals, desires... even relationships, are all going to reflect an additude of service. It is my goal, my passion, that no matter where life takes me, I always make this the refrain of my life:

In my life, Be lifted high
In our world, Be lifted high
In our love, Be lifted high

...

You are what you Commit yourself too.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

(sigh)

i can't wait to see what tomorrow holds!

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Really?

i've been struggling with apathy today. its because of having high expectations getting shot down. I'm tired of it. show i stopped expecting. i stopped waiting for God to work. I stopped wishing things were different. I went into they way life was, not expecting it to change in my favor...and it didn't!

I'm almost at a point where i stop asking for God to move because i'm just tired of caring. It's not the correct additude at all, but its there. I want to treat my brothers and sisters with love and kindness, and yet, i don't want to expect anything anymore. I don't want to be a optimist anymore, but i don't want to be a pesimest either.

Can I figure this out? I think not, i've been trying for awhile now. Can you? I know you already have it figured out, but could you fill me in anytime soon?

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Reflections

Alot has happened this past week, Not only in life, but in my head. Dietrich Bonhoeffer, a writer of the Nazi Era is quickly becoming one of my favorite authors. He talks about life as a Christian as compared to "Human Love" as he calls it. He talks about the inferiority of human love in the sense that it is driven by desire. We desire the physical presence of the one we love, we long for their attention, thier returned love. We lust after these things

Spiritual love on the other hand is completly different. It does not long for the love ones physical presence, as it understands that physical fellow believers are a blessing! Consider the imprisioned, the missions, the lonely! They are no less a part of the family of God, even though they do not see thier brothers and sisters. Spiritual Love instead Clings directly to Jesus, and through him, indirectly to others. In this fashion, we see our Loved one not through the selfish eyes of desire and manipulation, with which we try o force people to fit into our vision of how they should act, or look, or feel. Instead, we see them as the person Christ wants them to be, that Christ designed them to be.

For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. now I know in part, but then I shall know fully just as I also have been fully known.
~ Corinthians 13:12