Conversational Witnessing

Recently I've been struggling alot with the concept of Christ's "unconditional love", i.e. the fact that he can forgive ANY sin i may commit, without question or hesitation. I've felt so dirty this month, and so far from God. Then i went to work last night.

I was talkig to nicole about stuff. pretty much, this is how it went down:

Nicole: Hey patrick, check out that girl, isn't she hot?
Me: That's ok. i'm not really into checking people out.
Nicole: Your trying to tell me you've never checked someone out?
Me: no, that'd be lieing. I try to avoid checking people out.
Nicole: You know, i never hear you talk about a girl, and you won't check em out...what are you? gay?
Me: No, i'm not Gay, i'm saving myself. Call it a God thing.
Nicole: Right, your saving sex for marriage, but checking someone out isn't sex.
Me: true, but it's easier to avoid that if you don't take the steps leading up to it.
Nicole: I've decided. we need to get you laid.
Me: no. thats ok.
Nicole: Well, thats cool that your sticking to your faith ad stuff, but that sounds boring.
Me: well, see, actully Christianity only has one rule: to Love God and Others.
Nicole: So u can do whatever you want?
Me: Its like this. (Romans 3:23). God's already told me I'm not Good enough to save myself. (John 3:16). but God sent his son to Die for us because he loved us so much. he took al our current and future mistakes away from us, and died, paying the price for us.
Nicole: So why do you bother being good and stuff if it's all taken care of?
Me: Because if God loved me that much to come and die for me, even when i didn't know or want him too, then he must have good intentions for me. So i decided to try out the "rules of living" found in the bible. Turns out, when your Honest, Kind, Loving, Self-Controlled, etc. your life is less stressful, you have more friends that are closer to you, and you ALWAYS have hope.
Nicole: that's cool.

Basiclly, the conversation ended there. I think it not only affected her, but My 2A, Denver, the guy i've been praying for heard the whole thing. I really think it affected him too. I hope it did. If anyone who reads this wouldn't mind, please pray for Denver and Nicole.

I was in awe that night. I felt so far from God all break, and yet, when the time came, his Spirit gave me the words to say. i felt like my connection to the father was Gone, and yet his spirit gave the knowlegde to a questio i've been strugling to answer in Christian Life class. Once again, God is awesome.

So ya had a bad day...

Today has been terrible. It started off with my phone alarm not working, which made me late to work. Then, the supposedly slow shift got extremly busy, and it's not one i've ever worked. Then my phone gets lost (but later found). Then, when i check the schedule, my next shift was changed from tommorrow to fri, interupting my plans to go to chris's house. To top all this off, i get rear-ended in the Quik-Trip Parking Lot. We exchanged insurance and it wasn't much more than a fender bender. But then, my Dad get really mad. Understandable since my brother was in a collision 3 days ago.

And yet, i wouldn't change a thing. I made it through today with either constant smiling, or constant spacing out :P . Even though all these things were there to drag me down, and normally they would, i kept on going because i had too. Because Denver was Watching. Denver is my 2A at QT. he's a drinker, a party-er, and has a Super-model wife. But he's watching me. He knows I'm a christian. And he knows I want to be a preacher. He watches me to see if I'm real. I am real, but I have to be extra sure around him. His Soul is on the line.

I discovered, on Christmas of all days, that i'm a whiner. I gripe alot. I'll gripe, even if somthing doesn't really bother me, just for attention. If thats not Pride, I don't know what is. I asked God to help me keep my pride in check, to let me be a giver, not a griper. I think God answered my prayer today. I could feel myself subconsciously preparing to get stressed out. But I never did. And because I wasn't focused on me the entire time, not only did I get some work done, but I might see someone in heaven for it.

For I Am God, and not man

Sometimes I feel like I'm pushing the line with God you know? I'll sin, ask for forgiveness, promise repentance, and then do it again tomorrow. I've done this so many times. I have sins that come and go, but there are two sins in particular I've struggled with since I was 11; Lying and Lust. I'm constantly promising God I'll change, but even that seems to be an expressions of my sin by lying to God.

Today I was reading Hosea (I'm really bored, what can I say?). the entire book, God (Through Hosea) is bashing the Israelites, telling them how pagan they are, how Assyria is going to wipe them out, how some will flee to Egypt. It talks about their children being dashed on the rocks, and their pregnant women being split open. It's some pretty gruesome stuff. Then you get to chapter 10.

The chapter title is "God's love for Israel". He talks for 7 verses about all the things he did for Israel in the desert, and how they constantly rebelled against him. At this point I'm thinking I've got some "wrath of God" headed my way. Then God says in verses 8-9:

8"How can I give you up Ephraim? How can I hand you over Israel? How can I treat you like Admah? How can I make you like Zeboiim? My heart is changed within me; all my compassion is aroused. 9I will not carry out my fierce anger, nor will I turn and devastate Ephraim. For I am God, and not Man – The Holy one among you. I will not come in Wrath. (emphasis added)

Wow. Even though God wants to annihilate the Israelites, he doesn't because he loves them so much. Granted, God still punishes them as history shows. The Assyrians come in and totally dominate. Then the Greeks. Then the Romans. Then Jesus.

I think I know why God puts up with me. Its all there in verse 9. "For I Am God, and not man". God is capable of so much more than we can even fathom. His love for me knows NO bounds! And when I think that my sin is too much for God to forgive, I'm back to square 1: forcing God into this tiny box known as my imagination. That's much too prideful.

My brother came in here awhile ago. Sometimes he'll say the same thing over and over again to hack me off. For whatever reason, he was saying "Jesus loves you" over and over. I didn't get mad. In fact, I almost cried.

Meaningless, Meaningless, Everything is Meaningless

Is Solomon right? Is everything Meaningless? The futility of Life is a hard thing to grasp, but it's made itself know to me since I left the dorms.

At college, everything is happening so fast, and slow moments are quickly filled with friends or dorm mates. But here, back at home, Life is so slow. Today was the first day I got up and accomplished something since I left Ozark. I went to the dentist, ate lunch with my Grandpa, and helped my brother learn fractions. But honestly, how much of a difference did I make? Did I change anything in eternity? Maybe.

The Dental Hygienist and I talked a lot about Ozark and Jesus and the Church. She had gone to church in the past, but felt hurt by the hypocrisy and the grind of following these rules. I talked with her a lot about walking the Christian walk. She seemed to have changed her mind a little regarding the Christian Faith. Maybe we'll see her in heaven.

And yet, I've done more to affect eternity for the good, than I think I have in at least a month. Sure, I've done homework, changed the oil in my car, paid bills, etc, but in the long run, has it changed anything? What about the times I've gone to Wal-mart or Ihop with my friends, wearing an Ozark hoodie or Christian T-shirt, and goofed off. Have I made an impression on people of what Christians look like? Is "their blood on my hands" as Jesus said?

The worst part is, either way, those days are gone. I cannot go back to the useless, empty days and make them better. I cannot go back to those days I goofed off and shape up. I can't even do anything to those people as amends, because I don't know them! What then can I do?

Change. Next time I go to Wal-mart, be aware of people watching me. It's not about goofing off being bad, but there is a point it becomes so.

Somehow, this reminds me of my Death post. Life is this way, nothing will change that. But I can change how I look at it, and respond to it. And if I can do that, then maybe somebody will come to me in heaven, and say thanks.

Girls, Girls, Girls

So I went to See Keri Yesterday. It was really weird, even the reasons why I did.

Tuesday Night, we were watching a movie in boatmen lobby. During the movie, a guy comes in asking if anyone is going to Tulsa. I was so I said so. He needed a ride so we got phone numbers and planned it out.

Yesterday, when we were half-way to T-Town, my mom calls to tell me the Airport, where Marcos was headed, was out of power. So he makes a few calls, and finds a friend he can stay with for the night or so. As we arrive, I realize I’m only a mile from Keri’s house. So I figure what the heck, and go see her.

Keri was very polite and all, but seemed very distant. We used to really connect, but we talked about the most meaningless things now. She didn’t say so, but it seemed like she wanted me to leave as soon as possible. She didn’t even want to hug me goodbye.

Seeing her act so distant from me really hurt, but I think I needed it. Whether she is over me or not, she acts like she is. That makes it a little easier for me to get over her.

Love is an awkward thing. If you give your heart to the wrong person, you might just end up on a scavenger hunt trying to find it. I really do think I fell in love with Keri, because it was so hard to choose to leave her. But it was the right thing to do.

For those who didn’t know, I’m fasting from dating till the end of Freshman year. The original goal of my fast still stands, and is now needed more: To rely on God more than Girls. It’s really weird, going to college. I’ve made friends with guys, like never before. There’s a bond like I’ve never had. And I’ve never been so close to God.

But I keep chasing those girls.

From the Inside out

I just realized something. How often I Journal is a reflection of how close I am to God. When I am Closer to God, I am more reflective, and thus, journal more often.

I Love Music. Those who know me well, know this well. Those who know me intimately know I try to communicate through it. I will play a song from my IPod to say something to someone who needs to hear it. I did it just yesterday.

However, I Think God does the same thing to me sometimes when I have it on Shuffle mode. I Heard the Song "Those Nights" by Skillet, which really got me thinking about Keri, something I’ve been doing a lot of lately. Next came "Who I Am hates who I’ve been" followed by "More than Useless" both by reliant K. These two song affirmed my knowledge of having made the right decision and of not being lonely, which i have been struggling with the past month or so.

Finally, God finished his combo with a worship song, "From the Inside Out", probably my favorite worship song. The second verse is just perfect.

Your will above all else,
My Purpose Remains,
The Art of Losing Myself,
In Bringing you Praise.

I Love that, Telling God I want to be less so that is more. Beautiful. But even Better.

In My heart and my soul,
I Give you Control,
Consume me From the Inside Out.

Let Justice and Praise,
Become My Embrace,
To Love you From the Inside Out.

I've only recently come to learn that I don't love God. I want to Love him, but I constantly fail to make an effort to do so.

I Love my Friends. And so, I make an effort to spend time with them, even if I think it's boring or not what I wanted to do. It's not that way with me and God. God is Knee-Deep in my life, and I try to ignore it. When I see him move, I go, "Ya, Good one!", almost like saying, "Atta-boy, good dog!" I'm Tired of it.

I Treat the master of all like an animal, or even a vending machine.

So God...

I'm Sorry For,
The Person I became.
I'm Sorry that,
It took so long for me to Change.
I'm ready Too,
Be Sure I Never Become that way again,
Cuz who I am hates who I’ve been.

Death

Emptyness.

Can anything be quite so Terrifying, so all encompassing, so final. The end of Everything. The point of Arrival. The end.

Lonliness.

No More warm laughter. No more smiles. No more laughing at the way they talk, or admiring the way the care. No more being astonished at how they know somthing is wrong. No more helpful, caring looks or words.

Death.

The finality of the word scares me. Sure, it's only the beginning of a new journey, but it is an end. a separation. Death is a Separation of Body and Mind. A Separation from sin. From weakness. From me. A separation from those still living, Those who are left with only memories, momentoes, and a rotting carcass that is soon put under the ground.

"But death is a natural part of life!" they'll say. everyone has to die. the bible clearly states that in Hebrews 10. But then does it hurt so much? if it is so natural, why is it so feared?

Death isn't Natural. Death is Evil. Death is not in our plans or design. Death is a result of sin. Because of Sin, Man must Die. Death is not Natural, is not expected, and yet, thanks to man's sin, will happen.

But it still hurts...

The pain of seeing your loved ones disapeer. to feel thier cold, stiff bodies. to look into thier empty, lifeless eyes, hoping for anything, just a spark of life to appear. It hurts.

The fear of losing Those you Cherish. Seeing the people you care about most disapeering into the black. and you never know when it could happen. it could be today. what if the person you care about more than anything died today. What would you do? What if the last thing you said to them was part of a joke. An argument. How would you feel.

I am going to start treating those i love as such. There are several in my circle of friends i've never told i love. However, my closest friends mean the world to me. I do not show appreciation to my friends, when they have been God's greatest tool for shaping and molding me into the man he wants me to be.

I implore, to anyone who reads this. enjoy every moment you have with friends and family. Life is SO short. Please, when your friends and family die, expect it. don't fear it, just expect it. Let tem leave knowing exactly how much you care about them. It will make both of you happier.

But it still hurts...

Apathy

I'm so tired. Tired of school. Tired of Work. Tired of Playing Halo. Pizza. Chips. Soda. Gatorade. Being Cold. And do you know why i'm tired of all these?

Apathy...

Selfishness...

Me...

I'm the one whose tired of this or that. I'm the one who wants to gripe and complain, elevating myself because "everyone cares about me". I have to be funny, i have to be smart, i have to be right. Because if i'm not...

What if i'm not?...

What if i wasn't always trying to look the coolest. to be the funniest. wut if i wasn't afraid of my friends seeing who i really am. wut if i didn't walk around everywhere wearing a mask, only taking it off for 10 minutes a day for the one who can see through it anyway. i only take off the mask then so i can breathe.

What if...

Humility is one of those things that has always eluded me. i'm always trying to put me first. i don't want to anymore. today, right now starts the point that i focus on others. whether its God, my friends, or complete strangers. I need...He wants me to be like this...

...

To be like he was...