I don't even know what to say...

I think its hard for me to blog because I'm not sure that anyone cares to hear what I have to say...

And even if they do, I'm not convinced they should...

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And so I drift in a wave of depression and self pity, someone I judge other people often, and something that will not solve anything nor serve anyone's purposes.

Fireflies

I Like to make myself believe,
That planet earth turns slowly,
Its hard to say that I'd rather be awake when i'm asleep,
Cuz everything is never as it seems.

~Fireflies by Owl City

Watching this video again almost made me cry...

I want to dream again,
I want to have ideas,
I want to live, instead of just simply living.

Fun!

Its so good being back with the people that I know and love. I will miss living among them, but living near them will have to suffice. It's so much better than this summer has been. Even with uninterrupted access to Jessie, this summer was...lonely.

Me and Joe played Wii earlier, and before than, Peabody, Josh, and Kelly let me join them in searching for a Russian children's movie.

I feel...

I feel...

• Sad
• Embarrassed
• Disappointed
• Frustrated
• and oh so tired!

What is going on inside me?

Quote of the Day

"It is when we change from looking at ourselves with our imperfections, sinfulness, and helplessness and turn to the Lord Jesus and see and depend on His power and perfection, that we can expect a transformation to begin." ~Bill Stroud

I'm very self-critical, so this is something to think about...

¹⁶ Nevertheless when one turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. ¹⁷ Now the Lord is the Spirit; and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty. ¹⁸ But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord. 2 Corinthians 3:16-18

Trapped

Why did I let you talk me into Coming? Because I thought It would be different. I always think that.

I make sure to enter this thing with a good attitude, with a right mindset. However, you point out my few mistakes, tell me I have not changed, and write me off as selfish.

Oh and thanks for valuing my opinion when I try to point this out diplomatically. You once again just assume you know everything. well, I'm not changing my mind, just tactics. You were right, this IS my last vacation with you.

It's not about being right. It's not about getting my way. It's about respecting me as a freakin' person. Even if I wasn't moved out you would treat me this way.

I feel trapped here. At least when I visit in Tulsa, I can just drive home when I've had enough.

Pacing

I wish I could make my family feel what they make me feel. I wish they could understand whats its like to be judged for everything you do. To be babied like some helpless Child (at 20). To e called incapable because you can't do something (especially when you never even got a chance to try, they just assumed you would fail so much that the story goes that you failed.)

I'm so __________ tired of my Family right now...

First Day!

Today was a day of firsts for me! Both Good and bad.

• (-) I was Hit on by a girl wearing very little clothing. As cute as her face was, her lack of clothing was quite repulsive. I told her I was already claimed in the sweetest way possible.
• (+) I walked around an amusement park by myself, at my pace, where I wanted. It was quite refreshing to be able to set my own timeframe and path.
• (?) I told my dad what I really thought about HIS additude on this trip. I'll get back to you on this one.
• (+) I watched a show at disney that scared me terribly in 1999. This time, I was awe inspired and the music almost brought tears to my eyes it was so moving (the music, not Mickey Mouse at all).
• (?) I share a room with a girl! Slow down people, she's my sister. So far, we're surviving, but 1 night as roomates isn't very impressive. :)

It was really fun. Lots of little stories about life, love, friendship, brotherhood, and Being a family. This vacation will be good for us, even if its hard.

Huh?

Here I am...

And there you are, WAY over there!

...How did you get there?

Plane Ride

Flying to Orlando today for our family vacation was fun! I've been on planes before, but this time was a new experiance: I got to sit by myself! Away from my family, I was surrounded by complete strangers. This gave me a whole new perspective on the travel time, and I learned alot about things by taking time to think them through.

• From the ground, I look at clouds and imagine what else they look like. From the air, I do the same thing to the ground. The Question crossed my mind, "Does God or any angels do this on days off?"
• People in airports are entirely way to stressed out. Everybody is short, in a hurry, and really quite rude. I understand the frustration involved with planes delays, but do you have to treat others as less human than yourself?
• The tops of clouds look so funny, silly, and yet, soft. All of this doesn't explain why I imagined me and my sweetheart (Jessie!!!) dancing a waltz on top of one. :D
• My Father taught me well about "being a man". For a long time I blamed an ex-girlfriend of mine for my passivness as a man. However, I think I simply followed my dear dad's example.
• Girls who are easy, sleezy, or just plain immodest, are not attractive at all. Quite honestly, they make me very sad, and some induce a urge to vomit. I'm not excited about Sumertime Orlando.
• Style is in the eye of the beholder. Therefore, one does not learn "Style", but one can learn another person's style, and choose or not choose to adapt it into thier own style. I have my own tastes and preferances and should express those in a loving way! Maybe I can inspire others the way that some have inspired me!
• My life really has been boring this summer! I don't do any friend stuff with my friends, and even though Jessie loves all the time we've spent together, it wasn't time well spent. I have not utilized my time and brain power in a way that benifits others. I have not thought for or cared about other people, and so, I stopped learning about them, I stopped growing with them, and therefore, I stopped Loving them.

It was indeed quite a plane ride. Pictures to follow! (Though maybe only on facebook)