Independence Day

My Home is no longer my home. It is my Parents house. I can't stand being at home for more than 3 days or so. I'm really worried about this Christmas Break, spending that much time at home. I really want to stay in Joplin for break. In fact, I just might. I asked David Conrad if I could stay at his place, and he said more than likely. I'll have to look it over, and talk to my parents and such, but I really want to do it.

I'm so tired of 'floating' at home. I wanted to see them, I was homesick, But a whole week was just too much. This one week was terrible. I can't Imagine a whole month! I love My family, but I don't belong in the same house as them anymore. I am my own person. I can't go home every other weekend, and I can't stay in 'someone else's house' for an entire month. I need to be independent, however I can.

One person

I find it Absolutley amazing how much one business can change with the removal of one man.

Quantum Physics

Since i write a Review of Twilight, I Figured I might as weel do the new Bond: Quantum of Solace.

The movie was Full of Action in the typical Bond sense, and had many scenes including a car chase, several gunfights, and even a rooftop chase. While havig a Decent plot and plenty of Action, the Movie moved very fast and very slow at times. during the action scenes, the camera changes every second most of the time and the viewer gets lost in the panorama of stimili. During other scenes, the movies seems to advance so slowly that the movie becomes almost uninteresting.

As a Bond fan, i was very disappointed with this bond. His "sense of Style" and Suave seems lost in this movie. He wears a suit for less than half the movie, and hardly ever carries the signature "playboy" air about him. While he still manages to Bed one woman in the Film, he is seen less as a womanizer and more as a person in this film. However, You should Re-watch Casin Royale before you watch this one or you'll be lost on some of the plot elements.

In Short, The movie Was overall very well, but confusing at points. I give it an 8 out of 10

Can you be overcautious?Is there a point that you leave the realm of wisdom and re-enter the realm of folly through the door of reason and caution?

Can you actully plan to "just have fun"?

I wonder if you can get thoughts surgiclly removed...

19 going on 20

I was watching 13 going on 30 today with my sister. Believe it or not, I enjoyed the movie the first time i saw it, and even more this time. Its such a funny movie with a complicated but yet innocent romance in the middle. However, it really made me think.

If I woke up tommorow to find I was thirty, based on the choices I have made now, would I be happy? What about my Job? Would I be surprised? Would I be impressed? Disapointed?

What about role models? Friends? my Wife? would I have a relationship with my parents? what about kids? My life could be alot of fun, or alot of suck.

And it's all based on choices I make right now.

Apples

I love apples. The flavor, the texture, I even like the skin. And when they come right out of the fridge, and they just barely start to condescate, thats gorgeous.

Band Break-up

He walks in at 11:30 at night, makes eye contact with me, then goes up to bed. I just don't understand people sometimes.

So much for rockband.

The Twilight Zone

So I wound up being the transportation for my brother and abunch of his (girl)friends to go see twilight. I got a free movie out of the deal so I figured why not. I now am going to write a review of the movie as requested of a friend of mine. Don't worry, I will include no spoilers (but if you've read the book i don't think it matters).

Well, to start things on a positive note, the CG effects were actully pretty good, for being a low budget movie. As an amateur film-maker, I know how some of the effects were made, and I applaud the producers for thier creativity with limited resources. Although the sound was sometimes a little behind the visuals, It was a very enveloping experiance whenever a CG heavy scene came along. Even without the CG, the chosen locales and Lighting were very visually stimulating.

Less than stimulating however was the dialougue. Many lines seemed "stuffed in there" like they had to be in the movie somewhere. Several lines seemed "forced" by the actors, and didn't seem to have the right (if any) emotion behind them. At some points in the movie, the two leading actors simply listened to each other breathe. Now, I understand that couples actully do this on occasion, but you don't put it (at least not minutes on end of it) into the movie. And while the story was romantic, because of the "dragged out" length of the film it loses its vibrance. There was never any emotion stirred within watching this film.

Of the actors themselves, I thoroughlly enjoyed the actors chosen for the parts, with the exception of edward. Bella was cute and vibrant, though she seemed to have the same look on her face the whole movie(a sort of depressed confusion). Her father was a character and was probobly my favorite Person in the movie. Edwards family was also very intuitive, each with their own personality (seemingly more personality than the leading characters).

Edward however, never seemed to come out of the haze that surrounds his character. He is supposed to be mysterious, but it seems as soon as his personality starts to form in the viewers mind, he does something out of character. You never really learn anything about Edward during the movie.

In summary, the Movie was visually stimulating, but lacking in true Story development. I give the Movie, a 5 out of 10.

Some things never change

I've been back at QT for 2 days, and i'm already getting sucked in. I've been reminded constantly how much more money i'd be making to be an Assistant Manager or even just a clerk trainer. I'm even tempted by a potential scholorship oppurtunity.

*sigh*

Gimme a book and i'll do my best to overcome.

Home away from Home

So, of all the people I know, I'm the last person i ever expected to get homesick. But here I am, at home, and there's nowhere else I think I'd rather be. I've missed the little things mostly:

• My shower - LOVE IT!!
• The Fan in my room
• the couch's in our living room.
• The feel of our upstairs carpet on cold mornings
• Mom watching a romance movie on the Hallmark channel
• the sound of Ryan's Rap from upstairs.
• the condescending looks from Nacho - I seriously enjoy his utter contempt for others!

In addition, many things have changed.

• We have a dog now...an Indoor Dog...ugh...
• Grant lives in my room for now
• they black-topped the road to our house
• I have a new manager at QT (why yes, i am blogging about QT! lol)

I've these people and places. I know I can't stay here though, even though I Love and do miss it. It's kind've wild to wonder, is this my last Holiday Season to live at home? Do I have one more? What about this Summer? Will I be at home?

*Sigh* Life is SO much different now...

Identity: The 5th Psycho-social Stage of Development

I've always talked about working with youth. I Always talk of being a Youth Minister. But what if I missed something? What if I, now getting to experiance different kinds of ministry, have now decided that Youth Ministry is not for me? How do I know i'm not just getting cold feet?

I've always wanted to be a minister, even when I was little. When I was 16 I started dreaming of having my own business. Last Fall, after several talks with Micheal Brumley and David Conrad, I decided to have a self-proclaimed minor in church planting. This summer, i got to talk with Jeannie Conrad about her love for New York, for church planting there. I read the "Irresistable Revolution" and said to myself, this is what I want to do.

All this semester, I've found myself falling away from "intellectual faith", and I've been less than thrilled while working working with youth. I now realize my view of youth ministry is based on Lock-ins, Retreats, Camps, CIY, Xbox Parties, and other bastions of ZERO spiritual growth in the church. I find myself more and more at odds with the "organized church" and more and more in love with the worldwide body of believers.

Now I'm in a church. Living the Dream. Being a Youth Minister. I Hate it. I hate the Church politics. The slander I get from the members. The condescending smiles and fake generosity. The way they treat me as some child. They tell me what I do is important, but give me zero capacity with which to work. I pick up kids, bring them to church(so the building is more full) and then I take them home. I'm not even responsible to have lessons, just to "Have them doing somthing" to quote the pastor. The parents don't care about the kids. It's all about the church "feeling good" because they have a youth program. They have "growth". So instead of working at something, they can sit back and relax on it.

Don't get me wrong, I love the kids. But I don't want to see them only twice a week. and when I do see them, I have them all, from ages 2 to 22. That is no enviroment condusive to any learning. Besides that, i only get these guys for about 2 hours a week. That's room for "enormous growth". But I Can't live life with them because I live so far away and They are outside my social circle except within the church.

Maybe I should just change my major to missions. Or church planting. Or (gasp) something non-ministerial. I'm kinda tempted to just apply for the QT scholorship and just go to OSU. I could take Gen-Ed classes that will fit under just about any degree. I don't know what for, but surely it would be easier than sitting here with zero money, and living (as a friend so eloquently puts it) "Fake Life".

And once again, here I am, questioning the very fabric of my existance.

I think i'm just moody...

Why don't you just say so

I just don't get it.

I feel This.

I get that.

I've learned here.

I've grown there.

I've humbled myself here.

I've grown a backbone there.

I've asked and asked and asked and asked and...

...

A note, a comment, a miracle...

I'm not picky how, just tell me...

Irresistable Revolution

I've been reading "Blue Like Jazz" by Donald Miller. This book makes Following christ come alive, like an adventure. It reminds me of "The Irresistable Revolution" by Shane Claiborne.
It makes my walk with God come alive. It makes me want to drop everything right now, goto NYC, or Dallas, or even Dublin, London or Paris. I would like to run some kind of business(like a coffee shop or bookstore or even a grocery store) and just share Christ. I would show them that "Christianity" has done a poor job of portraying the true Jesus, and I would tell them that there is a God who loves them. But first I would show them that love.

I've always had a passion for youth. I've always had a passion for dying churches. If I did this, my main focus would still be youth, especially Teens and college students. I feel like If i'm going to do this, I need to plan for it now. I can't wait till i'm old, because then i may lose oppurtunities (most people my age don't respect anyone, much less older people as they tend to tell others what to do.)

...

I find it funny that both times I've come to bible college I find a new reason to leave.

so i've found the answer to all my problems!

Turns out, men have periods too!

http://answers.google.com/answers/threadview?id=431376

A Walk in the Park

My walk with God has many elements.

My Favorite parts are of course the easy parts. I enjoy the walks through the beautiful Gardens, seeing old friends along the path, and thanking Jesus for the beauty he has created. Of course I enjoy these times, for they are easy and fun. However, I don't usually grow much in these times.

Other times I'm motivated. I turn around and ask Jesus to pick up the pace. I take life 2 steps at a time. I see loved ones and rush on by them because I'm "too busy". Then I turn around and see Jesus standing next to them, waiting for me to come minister to them. I usually just keep plodding figuring Jesus will eventually catch up.

And sometimes, my walk is in the rain, uphill, with a mudslide coming. Every step I take I feel my calves stretching, no, burning. My entire body aches with emotional pain, which I turn causes physical pain. I call, I yell, I SCREAM for Jesus to come save me. To bad he just hasn't caught up yet.

I think the most important parts are when Jesus and I find a good sized rock or a couple medium sized ones, and just sit down and camp out. We sit and we talk about the walk so far. Sometimes he imparts knowledge of the road ahead, but most of the time he just says "stay behind me". People always want to come in and sit down and join us, but if they do, I always miss having one-on-one time with Jesus. These moments seem few and far between, and yet, I'm the one who chooses when we take a break.

I hate that I can sit here and realize all this in front of my computer. On paper, I look really spiritual. I can articulate words, theorize about the trinity, and talk about dreams and passions of mine of advancing the kingdom. It doesn't matter. I'm just as much fallen as the Axe-murder and the Serial Rapist, and the Political Bigot. The only difference is that I've accepted Jesus blood. God looks at me and Sees a beautiful, righteous, child of his.

True Story

I want to tell you a story. Its a story with many elements:

an apple tree
a guitar
a band
a friend
a gift
a christmas
a tragedy
a hug
a roller coaster
a close call
a phone call
a text message
another phone call
a week away from it all
2 weeks back in the middle
a moment of silence
a good movie
a refreshing conversation
a walk in the park
a picnic
a road trip
a kiss
a fall
a recovery

...

a girl.

I want to tell you the story, but I Don't know how it ends yet.

Learn

Do not rebuke a mocker or he will hate you; rebuke a wise man and he will love you. Instruct a wise man and he will be wiser still; teach a righteous man and he will add to his learning. The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.
~Proverbs 9:8-10

I sometimes wonder if i am capable of learning anything.

I constantly struggle with my self-esteem. My Youth Group seems just fine without me, the pastor wants me to preach, and responsibilties pile up! How can I do all this?

People hurt me. Repeatidly. A friend of mine has done this to me multiple times now. And I take it and walk on. I keep forgiving her. That's all well and good, but am I naive? Do I need to "act" more hurt? Or am I "doing it right"?

All this goes through my head a few days after I Blog on value. Today in my sunday school (that I teach) I taught about doctrines found in Genesis. One of them is the Idea of God making us in his image. Imago Dei. Value.

Jesus, i'm always asking for your help. Why is it so hard to just LET you help?

And WHEN you pray...

Thanks for giving us the benifit of the doubt Jesus!

I'm always telling people i'm praying for them. For some of them, I am. But for most of them, i'm not. I understand my prayer is not nessecary for God to be "informed" of thier problems, but I still need to do it. So I got this Idea from Chris DeWelt.

Somebody asks me for prayer? Pray for them. Right there.

This helps with memory as it gives an experiance to hold onto.(ironic from yesterday's blog) It is powerful to the other person. How much difference would it make from somebody saying they'll pray for you as compared to somebody who drops what thier doing and prays with you right there? Pray on the phone, in person, through email, letters, even FACEBOOK!

Rememberance

On tuesday, i was thinking about stuff in chapel that I wasted to blog about(which i did). I didn't want to forget about it, and so following suit of a dear friend of mine, I wrote a Keyword on my arm so i would remember. I just looked at my Arm, and its gone. That not especially surprising since i've showered twice since then (soon to be three). However, it got me thinkin.

Do you remember what you had for lunch a week ago today? Yes, you could prolly figure it out, but do u remember? Off the top of your head? What about that talk with your best friend you had 2 weeks ago? do you remember what it was about? Probobly. Do you remember every word? Probobly Not.

I am amazed at the ability of the Human Mind to intake information, sift through what is important, and discard the rest. I am also amazed with people who have trained thier minds to discern other things as important. What do you think is important?

What things do you remember? Can you call to mind the faces of your friends? Sometimes, I can't. Can you hear a friend's laughter in your mind? I can recreate any one of my friend's laughs in my imagination. But after about a week, I forget what my friends look like. I can still recognize them in person or in a photo, but i can't just summon thier face to mind.

The Human Psyche is intricate indeed...

Valuble

Forgiveness...

It's such a strong word. This isn't the word for the simple hurts and pains that your friends and family do to you. This is the word for when the option is revenge. Making them Hurt. Taking from them what they took from you. Showing them that you can assert yourself as a person and show that your not down and out just because they harmed you.

Forgivness is hard. It involves denying your own interests in view of the others. Forgivness is never easy. Forgivness is when you want every second to make that person hurt, or at least know how much you hurt, but instead you don't. You told them at one point that it hurt, and you told them you forgive them. So you put on the smile, act like its all alright, and live life. And eventually, it is alright. The bitterness fades, the anger subsides, and your friendship is restored.

(disclaimer: The above is not aimed at anyone in particular. I would defeat my own point if it was.)

I don't think Jesus Forgave us...

Let me explain. Looking at my above description of Forgivness, I don't think thats what God did. Yes, he did do all of the above, but his anger was great. his wrath was great. He couldn't hold that in like nothing happened. He couldn't change his character to associate with us and our sin. So instead of Forgiving us, he Redeemed us. He gave a piece of himself, and obliterated it on the cross. He was mutilated physically, Abandoned Spiritally, and broken emotionally. The entire man of Jesus was Abused and Beaten...

For you...

Don't you dare complain about your inadaquacies. Don't you dare say your not good enough. God made you, and he made you with a purpose. Yes you are fallen. Yes, you will make mistakes. But Christ took every one of your sins to hell with him when he died, locked them away, then rose again 3 days later to tell you about it. You are not doomed to repeat your mistakes. You are Free from sin by the Blood of Christ.

You are made valuble. Not because you are, but because the Lord of All thinks you are valuble. Guess what?

His opinion is the only one that counts....

ripples

life really is a pond...

Even if you think your life is insignificant, everything you do makes ripples...

Everything

Reality Check

I had a big dose of reality hit me today. WAY too much at once. All at once, I realized the vast scope of being a youth minister, of being a OCC student, of even being more than a "mediocre" Christian! I wanted to quit. In that moment, I would have dropped everything if asked.

I look at other Youth Ministers, people i've looked up too, people who have been my mentors...are now my peers! I'm not ready for this! I'm not ready to serve in this capacity! I have 2 high school boys in my room right now, reaching for someone, anyone, to show them Jesus. And I keep telling myself "It's not me", "I'm not ready".

I talk about being passionate, about putting God first, about sacrificing myself and my desires. Turns out, that actully involves losing things I like, it involves giving up certain Freedoms. SURPRISE!

My Future Decided

You hold the future in your hands
You know my dreams and you have a plan
And as you light my way, I'll follow you

My eyes on all of the above
My soul secure in all you've done
My minds made up
And you are the only one for me

Jesus, savior, in my life you are everything
My future decided, I will praise your name
And I know that I am, I am yours
Yeah, I know that I am, I am yours

You hold the earth in your command
You are the rock on which I stand
And as I live each day, I'll follow you

My eyes on all of the above
My soul secure in all you've done
My minds made up
And you are the only one for me

Jesus, savior, in my life you are everything
My future decided, I will praise your name
And I know that I am, I am yours
Yeah, I know that I am, I am yours

Aren't afraid, aren't ashamed Lord we know who we are
We are your people and we won't be silent
Unified hear us cry at the top of our lungs
You our God and we will not be shaken

Aren't afraid, aren't ashamed Lord we know who we are
We are your people and we won't be silent
Unified hear us cry at the top of our lungs
You our God and we will not be shaken

Jesus, savior, in my life you are everything
My future decided, I will praise your name
And I know that I am, I am yours
Yeah, I know that I am, I am yours

Verses for the day...

I am feeble and utterly crushed; I groan in anguish of heart. For I am about to fall, and my pain is ever with me.
~Psalm 28:8, 15

You are my hiding-place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance.
~Psalm 32:7

I wait for you, O LORD; you will answer, O Lord my God.
~Psalm 38:15

Fluidity

Life is ever-changing. One day your involved in normal life, the next your struck by a debilitating disease. One minute your participating in class, the next you wake up from passing out in that class. One second, your laughing and carrying on with your friends, the next you find out that the 2 most important people in your life are probobly going to die. A morning, a phone call, a moment, and life is forever changed. It brings a new perspective to everything. What would you do if any given person around you died tonight. What would you do?

Someone told me today they didn't know how much evil was in the world till they came to bible college. Isn't that wierd, since we share our pains, our fears, our burdens? We share life with each other. We Love one another. On secular campuses, they have a "mind your own business" additude, but here, we are a community. We have found that there are benifits to sharing our burdens that are not only desirable...

...They are Nessesary.