Control

Sometimes, i am amazed at the amount of control i have over my life. It seems like whenever I want something, i get it eventually. I sometimes like to bask in my ability to control my enviroment.

Then Jesus tells me to get over myself.

I have very little control over my envirement. really, i have no control at all, only a percieved control. the only thing i can control is my reactions to the enviroment.

Isn't it nice to know
That the lining is silver
Isn't it nice to know
That we're golden
Yeah we're golden Whoa

I found a love in me
I always somehow knew that it existed
It just needed to be set free
Bon Voyage

Regardless of what is going on, I can maintain a healthy additude. I can be the guy who encourages other people when thier having a bad day. I can be the guy who even in times of adversity can be the one who points people to Jesus through a Life of Love, and the Words of the Gospel.

When I go Down,
I lift my Eyes to you,
I don't look very far,
Cuz you'll be there...

...with open Arms
To lift me up again
Yeah, lift me up again

Worry

Stress.

The love-killer. The failure-maker. The...Scapegoat?

I think sometimes we give more credit to stress than we should. This past 2 weeks, i've been on a emotional roller coaster. I was in love, and was terriblly afraid the person I loved was going to force me to let go of her. But then, when i asked, she grabbed ahold of me, only waiting for me to ask her.

I've been trying to figure out how i'm going to pay for school. frankly, i still don't know.

The Ministry I applied for didn't work out, and now I want to Pour myself into Villa Heights to better its youth.

I have alot of Homework, though most is still a week away, and my ability to make good grades directly effects my future ability to pay for school. and of course, being in a brand new relationship, i want to spend time with Jessie, but i must budget my time wisely between her, my other friends, and of course, homework. When I look at it from my perspective, it seems like a precariously built tower, intricatly supporting itself while i try to move it. one false step here, or to much tension there, and the whole thing will collapse on itself.

But then I try to look at it from God's perspective. I think from his, it looks more like book. Even though the words convey tension, and every part is extremly dramatic; even though you don't know what will happen in the next chapter, or even the next page...the fact remains, it's already been written. The Ending is already laid out. God authored the story, gave me my place, designed me a certain way, giving me all the tools and abilities i'll ever need, and now we wait to see if i'm the same as his original character sketch.

So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
~Mathew 6:31-33

Worthless huh?

This is what the LORD says:
What fault did your fathers find in me, that they strayed so far from me? They followed worthless idols and became worthless themselves.
~Jeremiah 2:5

In Psychology today, Dr. Zustiak talked about mid-life crisis and even students who go through a period of "finding themselves". He really mocked people who go out doing such things. he said something very profound, and i quickly got paper out and jotted down the quote, which may become a slogan of mine. He said,

"Self is not out there waiting to be found, it's waiting to be Created. You are what you Commit yourself too."

He quoted Jeremiah 2:5, showing that God's own people became worthless because they followed the worthless idols. He talked about people who commit thier lives to finding themselves; and how they become guilt-ridden fools who are searching in vain.

You are what you Commit yourself too.

I'm commiting myself to the service of the Lord. therefore, my passion, my dreams, goals, desires... even relationships, are all going to reflect an additude of service. It is my goal, my passion, that no matter where life takes me, I always make this the refrain of my life:

In my life, Be lifted high
In our world, Be lifted high
In our love, Be lifted high

...

You are what you Commit yourself too.

(sigh)

i can't wait to see what tomorrow holds!

Really?

i've been struggling with apathy today. its because of having high expectations getting shot down. I'm tired of it. show i stopped expecting. i stopped waiting for God to work. I stopped wishing things were different. I went into they way life was, not expecting it to change in my favor...and it didn't!

I'm almost at a point where i stop asking for God to move because i'm just tired of caring. It's not the correct additude at all, but its there. I want to treat my brothers and sisters with love and kindness, and yet, i don't want to expect anything anymore. I don't want to be a optimist anymore, but i don't want to be a pesimest either.

Can I figure this out? I think not, i've been trying for awhile now. Can you? I know you already have it figured out, but could you fill me in anytime soon?

Reflections

Alot has happened this past week, Not only in life, but in my head. Dietrich Bonhoeffer, a writer of the Nazi Era is quickly becoming one of my favorite authors. He talks about life as a Christian as compared to "Human Love" as he calls it. He talks about the inferiority of human love in the sense that it is driven by desire. We desire the physical presence of the one we love, we long for their attention, thier returned love. We lust after these things

Spiritual love on the other hand is completly different. It does not long for the love ones physical presence, as it understands that physical fellow believers are a blessing! Consider the imprisioned, the missions, the lonely! They are no less a part of the family of God, even though they do not see thier brothers and sisters. Spiritual Love instead Clings directly to Jesus, and through him, indirectly to others. In this fashion, we see our Loved one not through the selfish eyes of desire and manipulation, with which we try o force people to fit into our vision of how they should act, or look, or feel. Instead, we see them as the person Christ wants them to be, that Christ designed them to be.

For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. now I know in part, but then I shall know fully just as I also have been fully known.
~ Corinthians 13:12

I

I thought we had this one beat,
But it seems that it's not quite dead.
I thought it was just you and me,
But I find this Idol still in my hand.

And now I sit here asking myself,
Why it's so hard to take you off the shelf.
And put you back into your rightful place,
Near to my heart that was changed by your Grace.

I wanna feel love.
I wanna know passion.
I wanna do all of the things that your askin.
I wanna take you,
And set people free.
I wanna take the focus off of me.

I thought I could do this myself,
But it seems I just wound up alone.
I thought this was for someone else,
But My objectives were again my own.

And now I sit here asking myself,
Why it's so hard to take you off the shelf.
And put you back into your rightful place,
Near to my heart that was changed by your Grace.

I wanna feel love.
I wanna know passion.
I wanna do all of the things that your askin.
I wanna take you,
And set people free.
I wanna take the focus off of me.

Cuz you are the God,
Who reigns above,
Showering down
Your endless Love.
You are the God
Whose forgiven me,
By letting yourself be hung on a tree.

you showed me love.
you showed me passion.
you showed me all of the things that your askin.
and you asked me to,
go set people free.
You said "the focus is me"

Cuz You are the God,
Who reigns above,
Showering down
Your endless Love.
You are the God
Whose forgiven me,
By letting yourself be hung on a tree.

I have a dream....

for psychology we have to do one out of class project. the one i chose is a dream journal. basiclly, i follow my dreams thorughout the semester, take notes as soon as i wake up, and do extra things to ensure i remember them better. I had a doozie of a dream this afternoon during my nap.

some presently held hypothesis on dreams:

Ferenczi[18] proposed that the dream, when told, may communicate something that is not being said outright.

Dreams are like the cleaning-up operations of computers when they are off-line, removing parasitic nodes and other "junk" from the mind during sleep.[19][20]

Dreams create new ideas through the generation of random thought mutations. Some of these may be rejected by the mind as useless, while others may be seen as valuable and retained. Blechner[21] calls this the theory of "Oneiric Darwinism."

Dreams regulate mood.[22]

Hartmann[23] says dreams may function like psychotherapy, by "making connections in a safe place" and allowing the dreamer to integrate thoughts that may be dissociated during waking life.

More recent research by Griffin has led to the formulation of the 'expectation fulfillment theory of dreaming', which suggests that dreaming metaphorically completes patterns of emotional expectation and lowers stress levels.

Regardless, this dream of mine has had nothing of an interpretation so far. that is actully one thing i'm supposed to do for the assignment is take a gander at interpreting it. however, i would prefer to wait till some of the emotions from the dream have settled. the danger of sufacing dreams, is you are literally taking a piece of your subconcious mind and pulling it into the concious world. after my nap today, I had to ask my buddy joe if a certain event had taken place in real life or just in my dream, as i wasn't sure.

Through all this, i hope to learn more about myself, and through that, I hope to grow closer to God.

Passion

I think i know the subject of my Song...Passion...

I keep hearing that word. Jeramiah 20:9 has been repeated to me to the point of annoyance, and yet it describes me so. If I can't preach, If i can't minister, if i can't show people who Jesus is, my life is suffering. I pray that this stays with me. i'm so motivated right now. i'm even a little ahead on my homework! (gasp)

Passion. A "fire in my bones". I'm ready Lord. Here I am, Send me!

arhhh!!

I want so bad to get this song out of me. I can't formulate the words.

It's killing me, ever so slowly...

Release

Sometimes...

...you just have to let go...

...But i can't feel my hand...

You want some cheese with that Whine?

I dare say i am one of the whiniest people i know. I even whine about whiny people. Even myself! Why God has chosen me I don't know, but i do know that Whiny-ness stems from ungratefulness, which stems from selfishness. Therefore, i will make an effort to rid myself of Whiny-ness so as to better serve Him.

Roll Call!!

Woody Wilkenson, a Proffesor at OCC, is one of my favorite people. Today we were doing typical first day stuff, going over the sylibus, and we came to attendance. He said if it were up to him he wouldn't take attendance. He thinks that the reason we students came to OCC and pay a huge sum of money and choose to take his class is because we are firmly convicted in our faith and have sold out for the faith. We have realized that we don't own our own lives anymore and we have no right to be selfish, only to advance the kingdom.

I know i wasn't last fall. If there were no tests or attendance, i'm not sure how often I would have showed up to class. And now, I am convicted. I know my life is not my own, I know I have no excuse to be selfish. I reflect that (or try to) in my big decisions. However, It hasn't filtered down into Everyday life. So that's my Project for this semester: To act out the part of what I actully am...

...A Dead man... walking...

Worry Wart

I'm here. I've worked so hard, and tried so much to make it here, and it seems like a dream. I'm seeing old friends, making new ones, relearning the ropes, and learning new tricks along the Way. I've missed being here, the people, the atmosphere. And yet, I'm still worried...

A friend jokingly said exactly what i've been thinking all week. I was picking on shane(as usual) and told him i'd be around all the time to do so. A friend said, "Yeah, but patrick hasn't made it through enrollment yet, so he may not be with us." Last semester, enrollment was my undoing. I was all moved in, had taken a winter session course, met everyone, the whole deal. Then WHAM!!! I find out i can't attend because i can't pay.

Worry is a waste of energy. I pride myself on being enery efficient, not even showing emotion unless I really care about something. Well, i really care about this. This is my life. My Dream. My...His Plan.

...That what It boils down too. I'm out of my comfort zone. I'm here simply to lay my life down, and that makes me vunerable byt typical standards. I need to remember who is really in charge. After all, God cares for the birds, and he pretty much brought me back from the dead. I Believe God has a plan for me and knows what he's doing.

Maturity

Latley i've been thinking alot...i've just been too "energy efficient" to blog about it.

The Main thing that has dominated my thinking is a particular desire of mine. There's nothing wrong with it, except I told God that he came first. If i missed out on this desire of mine in order to serve God, so be it. Maybe he'd give it too me later, or maybe never at all...The point is, i surrendered it to God...

...In Words...

Yesterday, when we Baptized Art, I was thinking about my own focus on God. I've seen Art pour himself into the scripture's. He's read more of his bible in the past 2 weeks than i have in this whole year! I'm so excited for art, for his eagerness, his hunger, his...passion!

...Then I wonder where mine is. Me, the "Mature" Christian...

I'm Sorry God. I put up an Idol before you. I'm going to tear it down. Help me no longer make sacrifices to it, but only to you. For you are the Living God, and only you are worthy of my praise. I need your help, but i know that together, we can make it!