Quiet Foo!!

I had a bad night at work last night. I forgot my service book, I only brought one pen, I kept forgetting people's drinks and food(even to punch them in the computer), and I had several cooks, servers, and customers mad at me!

But I made $90.

Sometimes i think God blesses me to show me how wrong I am. Yes, He does chastise me sometimes, but he also blesses me. All included, i actully had a really good night at work. the only thing that made it bad was the fact that I was so focused on myself. If had been more outwardly focused, i would hav had a better night. I pride myself on being an encourager at IHOP, but last night, i was the griper.

A prudent man conceals knowledge, but the heart of fools proclaims foolishness.
~Proverbs 12:23

Family Matters

So, i've never dealt with any measure of homesickness before. i've always dreaded (for the most part) returning home, especially since going to college. However, I forgot to call my dad for his birthday 2 weeks ago. my brother Sean's birthday is tomorrow, and i'm not just calling him, i'm going home to visit.

I miss my family alot. I'm worried about Ryan in school, i'm worried about Sean's Spiritual Walk, i'm worried about my dad and his responsibilities as head of the family...

I'm really excited to go home. I don't expect it to be all peachy, fuzzy, happy, blah blah blah...thats never gonna happen. on the contrary, i'm going to be made fun of, ridiculed, told I am gay, "offered" drugs, and my girlfriend will prolly get mocked too. But that's ok, because thats how my family rolls...blunts that is!

he he, gotcha ;)

Always on my mind

So, it seems like i'm excellent at "learning a lesson" a week or 2 in advance, and then later on when I NEED to KNOW what to do (even though i "already learned") I fail.

Father, I'm sorry. I don't know how your not tired of hearing that from me, but i really am. This of all things, i never thought would come between you and me, but it has. Help me fix this. You are Truly the most important thing to me. Give me the strength to always keep you in that place.

L-O-V-E

I've never been in this place before. I took a leap of faith, and now it feels like I'm flying; and i'm not alone. I know that we can't fly forever, but I almost want the hard times to come, to see if we can take them on. It feels so right, and I know we have the Lord's Blessing. I close my eyes, i see her. I look at something else, it reminds me of her.

I know that alot of this is just feelings and emotions. I also know we've been through alot together.

I love you Jessie.

Mercy

They came to Bethsaida, and some people brought a blind man and begged Jesus to touch him. He took the blind man by the hand and led him outside the village. When he had spit on the man's eyes and put his hands on him, Jesus asked, “Do you see anything?” He looked up and said, “I see people; they look like trees walking around.” Once more Jesus put his hands on the man's eyes. Then his eyes were opened, his sight was restored, and he saw everything clearly. Jesus sent him home, saying, “Don't go into the village."

~Mark 8:22-26

Ask any of my friends if i'm a sarcastic person, and they'll prolly respond sarcasticlly that I'm not sarcastic at all. I get quite a bit of enjoyment out of picking others apart and belittling people. One of my favorite pastimes is making fun of Women. Now, i'm not against women's rights or anything, i simply like pressing their buttons. I even admit doing this to my Girlfriend(she ussually my primary target).

Peter buckland was talking about Mercy for a bit today. He is a sarcastic person himself. he says its normal for us guys to pick on people, especially women. Women are naturally sweet and caring(its they're nature) and we as men can be relentless at making fun of them because of that. He said we should practice Mercy towards them more.

I think Women are merciful towards us all the time. They are sweet, caring, and loving, even though we give them crap all the time. The only time Women are not is when a) they reach a breaking point or b) when they have been constantly abused by men into being sarcastic creatures out of self-defense.

Imagine what would happen if all men started treating women with Love, respect...Mercy...

Eve was God's gift to Adam. Now her daughters are literally everywhere, and all we can seem to do is complain about how long it takes for them to put on makeup! Would it change your outlook to understand that she puts on that make-up (at least partially) for your benifit? sure, we'll all say we don't care, but at the same time, she lovingly puts forth effort on your behalf and you ridicule her for it?

Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as (co-)hiers with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers. Finally, all of you, Live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble.

~I Peter 3:7-8 (Emphasis and Parenthetical added)

Passion...

i feel like a religious fanatic. but i'm not.

I'm in love. it just so happens i'm in love with the Lord of...well, everything!!!

Dreadful Love

Have you ever been worried about someone else? Not like a casual, "oh i hope they're ok" but a true deep sense of dread surrounding someone else's future? It's like you see something coming that they don't, even if your not exactly sure what it is, and you want to protect them, but you can't because they won't let you and you don't know exactly what it is.

and then you come to the conclusion that your relationship isn't deep enough for you to make that assumption anyways, so you sit idly by until they come running for help from something you (think you) could have prevented.

God is Love.

...I don't envy him, this Love stuff is hard.

Control

Sometimes, i am amazed at the amount of control i have over my life. It seems like whenever I want something, i get it eventually. I sometimes like to bask in my ability to control my enviroment.

Then Jesus tells me to get over myself.

I have very little control over my envirement. really, i have no control at all, only a percieved control. the only thing i can control is my reactions to the enviroment.

Isn't it nice to know
That the lining is silver
Isn't it nice to know
That we're golden
Yeah we're golden Whoa

I found a love in me
I always somehow knew that it existed
It just needed to be set free
Bon Voyage

Regardless of what is going on, I can maintain a healthy additude. I can be the guy who encourages other people when thier having a bad day. I can be the guy who even in times of adversity can be the one who points people to Jesus through a Life of Love, and the Words of the Gospel.

When I go Down,
I lift my Eyes to you,
I don't look very far,
Cuz you'll be there...

...with open Arms
To lift me up again
Yeah, lift me up again

Worry

Stress.

The love-killer. The failure-maker. The...Scapegoat?

I think sometimes we give more credit to stress than we should. This past 2 weeks, i've been on a emotional roller coaster. I was in love, and was terriblly afraid the person I loved was going to force me to let go of her. But then, when i asked, she grabbed ahold of me, only waiting for me to ask her.

I've been trying to figure out how i'm going to pay for school. frankly, i still don't know.

The Ministry I applied for didn't work out, and now I want to Pour myself into Villa Heights to better its youth.

I have alot of Homework, though most is still a week away, and my ability to make good grades directly effects my future ability to pay for school. and of course, being in a brand new relationship, i want to spend time with Jessie, but i must budget my time wisely between her, my other friends, and of course, homework. When I look at it from my perspective, it seems like a precariously built tower, intricatly supporting itself while i try to move it. one false step here, or to much tension there, and the whole thing will collapse on itself.

But then I try to look at it from God's perspective. I think from his, it looks more like book. Even though the words convey tension, and every part is extremly dramatic; even though you don't know what will happen in the next chapter, or even the next page...the fact remains, it's already been written. The Ending is already laid out. God authored the story, gave me my place, designed me a certain way, giving me all the tools and abilities i'll ever need, and now we wait to see if i'm the same as his original character sketch.

So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
~Mathew 6:31-33

Worthless huh?

This is what the LORD says:
What fault did your fathers find in me, that they strayed so far from me? They followed worthless idols and became worthless themselves.
~Jeremiah 2:5

In Psychology today, Dr. Zustiak talked about mid-life crisis and even students who go through a period of "finding themselves". He really mocked people who go out doing such things. he said something very profound, and i quickly got paper out and jotted down the quote, which may become a slogan of mine. He said,

"Self is not out there waiting to be found, it's waiting to be Created. You are what you Commit yourself too."

He quoted Jeremiah 2:5, showing that God's own people became worthless because they followed the worthless idols. He talked about people who commit thier lives to finding themselves; and how they become guilt-ridden fools who are searching in vain.

You are what you Commit yourself too.

I'm commiting myself to the service of the Lord. therefore, my passion, my dreams, goals, desires... even relationships, are all going to reflect an additude of service. It is my goal, my passion, that no matter where life takes me, I always make this the refrain of my life:

In my life, Be lifted high
In our world, Be lifted high
In our love, Be lifted high

...

You are what you Commit yourself too.

(sigh)

i can't wait to see what tomorrow holds!

Really?

i've been struggling with apathy today. its because of having high expectations getting shot down. I'm tired of it. show i stopped expecting. i stopped waiting for God to work. I stopped wishing things were different. I went into they way life was, not expecting it to change in my favor...and it didn't!

I'm almost at a point where i stop asking for God to move because i'm just tired of caring. It's not the correct additude at all, but its there. I want to treat my brothers and sisters with love and kindness, and yet, i don't want to expect anything anymore. I don't want to be a optimist anymore, but i don't want to be a pesimest either.

Can I figure this out? I think not, i've been trying for awhile now. Can you? I know you already have it figured out, but could you fill me in anytime soon?

Reflections

Alot has happened this past week, Not only in life, but in my head. Dietrich Bonhoeffer, a writer of the Nazi Era is quickly becoming one of my favorite authors. He talks about life as a Christian as compared to "Human Love" as he calls it. He talks about the inferiority of human love in the sense that it is driven by desire. We desire the physical presence of the one we love, we long for their attention, thier returned love. We lust after these things

Spiritual love on the other hand is completly different. It does not long for the love ones physical presence, as it understands that physical fellow believers are a blessing! Consider the imprisioned, the missions, the lonely! They are no less a part of the family of God, even though they do not see thier brothers and sisters. Spiritual Love instead Clings directly to Jesus, and through him, indirectly to others. In this fashion, we see our Loved one not through the selfish eyes of desire and manipulation, with which we try o force people to fit into our vision of how they should act, or look, or feel. Instead, we see them as the person Christ wants them to be, that Christ designed them to be.

For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. now I know in part, but then I shall know fully just as I also have been fully known.
~ Corinthians 13:12