Unexpected Blessings

When I went to work last night, I expected to have a slow night, make maybe 20 bucks, and then go home and play Video games with the guys. Instead, I went to work, made almost $30, met a new Server, Talked into maybe coming to church (he's 17), had a good talk with heather, and then AFTER work i randomly decided to goto Wal-Mart. At Wal-mart, Jeremy Was sitting outside waiting for a cab! I got to give him a ride home AND we talked at his house until about 2:30 am!

I'm placed in Awe by God. I've felt so distant from him these past few weeks. but now, looking back, i've found that God doesn't feel far from me! He's placing me in these situations expecting me to excel, and I do! I got closer to Jeremy last night. It seems once again my 1st impressions were right. Me and him are VERY similer. We talked and shared, and realized we struggle with alot of the same things.

I'm very excited for this New Year. :)

Communion Serving

My church once again surprised me today. In the past, only the Elders and the Youth Minister have been able to serve communion. No longer. This Sunday a High Schooler served. But not just any Student. Kellen, our Autistic 21-year-old. As I saw this take place, it made me proud of this church. They may not have everything right, but how many human institutions do? They have quite a bit right, and they are trying VERY hard.

Ballad Unknown ~ Bait

Shifting sands are
tripping me up
my thoughts of lately
don’t seem to add up
they are
broken
misguided and running amuck on
where this
is going
and what’s up ahead for me

And the unknown
it plagues me
and it swallows me up in doubt
my focus is shattered
and my courage is cast about

In all this I wonder
where my mind
lost its touch
the truth is
worry puts me
out in the cold

I’m missing the moment
when I made my mind up
to follow my dreams and
never to give up
but the future
it beckons
for me to make a move
to a place
I’ve not seen
and It’s hard to take that step

Imagination spent
to center on this bane
is wasted and
I’m left with nothing
more than complications
I can’t see through
can’t get my hands around this threat

And the unknown
it plagues me
and it swallows me up in doubt
my focus is shattered
and my courage is cast about

In all this I wonder
where my mind
lost its touch
the truth is
worry puts me
out in the cold

Censoring

I've always found it amazing that Christians seem to "hate" secular music, and i've always found that odd. today, riding around with my brother, listening to non-christian music at unsafe volume levels has given me a theory; what if non-christian music actully touches us?

Christian music is very important too me. there are bands that I love and touch me. But i wonder if when we "censor" our music, we sensor one outflow of the soul. not even just for musicians, but everyone. It seems that my musician friends are more easy-going about music, but people who are not are more picky about music(that seems paradoxial).

Non christian music is Raw, Uncensored, Free. I've always "known" this, but i became aware of it today. Songs that I could be fired over at my church(probobly an exageration) that touch me soul. Songs that really touch on how I feel. Songs that I daresay give me hope. If someone else can think and feel this way, then something isn't wrong with me. i'm not different anymore. i'm not "the wildcard".

Make it stop

It's amazing how EVERYTHING seems too hit all at once. My mind is completely full. Thoughts race through my head making it hard to focus. I can't work, sleep, read, or even play video games. I woulde trad almost anything for just a few hours of peace and quiet "upstairs". And yet, every little thing around seems to Scream reminders of one of the many things barraging my brain.

Someone, make it stop...

Please...

Rants on Lovers

What exactly defines "A Dating Couple"? What makes a "girlfriend" different from all your other friends who are girls? When exactly do u cross that line and make someone that..."special"?

Lets get the easy stuff out of the way. Facebook is not the authority, nor is Myspace, and neither is the opinions and feelings of "busybodies" who may call themselves "matchmakers". Pretty sure this is something between the 2 parties involved.

Alright, well, fromt he worldly viewpoint, The physical side could be that boundry. But then you could ask "physical how?", since you probobly occasionally touch your other "Woman Friends". So, romantic touching? Sexual touching? from the worldly view, yes! Too bad that view won't work out. A Sidenote on that.

Imagine. Everytime You say "I love you", Everytime you rub someone's back, hold thier hand, or kiss them, you are giving them a part of yourself. You are taking a moment in time and forever marking it with this event, this memory. And then, 6 months later you 2 broke up because "you didn't have chemistry". So where do all those emotions and memories go? Nowhere. They follow you, for the rest of your life. Now you're doomed to compare your "future loves" kisses, back-rubs, and even dancing ability to you're past "conquests". Congrats.

I'm not really sure how I feel about Dating. It has so many pressures, connotations, misconceptions, and shortfalls, that I think I would rather just Propose to a Good friend and skip the whole "dating" thing. (Gasp! Patrick's lost his mind! you can't skip Dating) Why? (Because, you just can't) Hmm..well, what about people in the past who never dated. they met, became friends, and went for it. (but it's a cultural thing! you have too) False. We are aliens and strangers. I think we're aloud to not be slaves to the culture we're in.

I never did answer those questions above, did I? personally, I think that 2 people who are truly in love, don't need to have "titles" to wear around and show off to others. I trully think that they can have a mutual undestanding that they just like each other alot. I am NOT saying Friends with benifits. honestly, I think dating is, at times, an excuse to kiss and hold hands, just like marriage can, at times, be an excuse for sex. Friends can touch each other affectionatly, but respectfully.

The further the friendship deepens, eventually the two people decide they want to spend thier lives with each other. This is not the first time romance enters the scene. However, it is possible to be romantic without being extremly physical. The couple gets engaged, because now thier serious. now that they are serious, they announce it too the world. Dating, is a joke. You announce it to people for bragging rights and glory.

I'm sorry if i'm stepping on people's toes by saying that, but this is how I feel. And quite honestly, how i've felt for a year-ish (and yes, i dated during this year).

Please, share you're thoughts and doubts and complaints. If u have hatemail, I ask you send me a message or Email. gijimbob@labyrinthts.com

Cell phones

I wonder what it would be like if we suddely wound the clock back 15 years. We watched "Jingle all the way" at church tonight, and i was struck by the lack of cell phones. now, the movie came out in 1996, but seriously. what would people do today without Cell phones, Email, Facebook?

I think its amazing how dependent we are on these things. Some of my friends and I would have zero contact without these things, and yet, because of this, I do have more people to keep up with which demands more of my time.

I will have to ponder this more when it's not 2 am.

Try

I got to hang out with some of my "old Friends" today and it was different. these weren't like "super close" friends of mine or anything, but they were friends. Hanging with them was so different.

I have grown up alot recently. this doean't mean i'm perfect, but i have changed, for the better. not my friends though. they have changed, but for the worse. they have poor laguange, bad relationships, and zero regard for other people. and once again, when i mentioned i was a pastor, they cleaned up thier act for me.

(sigh) I sometimes wonder about people...

Man up!!

I am an anti-confrontational person. I try to avoid ruffling people's feathers whenever possible. In fact, if I can find a way to not talk to someone about a known disagreement, I won't.

And most of the time, I'm not very opinionated. It's because I don't have a "dominant" personality, it's just i simply don't care most of the time. i'm not picky about food, music (mostly), or many other things. This has helped me avoid alot of conflict in my life.

Oddly enough, it's also caused conflict in my life. I met this girl. She's great. We're good friends. So we started dating. Little to my knowledge this girl, who is a very sarcastic and at times demanding person, Wanted a guy would stand up to her. someone who can tell her no. Someone who doesn't accept every word from her mouth as straight from the divine. And I of course, not assuming she was right, but simply not wanting to fight, didn't argue with or stand up to her. We have since talked about this and I now understand that I need to man up.

all that to say...

Recently, I've been thinking about the paradox of having "two lovers". It's so wrong, but so right. I'm in love with God, and I'm in love with this girl. And as I said before, they are in love with each other as well. Yesterday, at work, I asked God why I have to be "the man" in my relationship with her, and yet be "the girl" in my relationship with Him. Doesn't seem fair. She gets to be the girl in both, So why do I have to do all this extra work? Why do I have to play 2 separate parts?

I don't.

My problem in my relationship with Jessie is I would never question her or stand up to her. If she said something, regardless of my instincts, I assumed that what she said was what was really going on. The problem is, with girls, there is the hazard of them not saying what they really want. It's not because they're dishonest or anything, they simply don't know what they want at the time. They are being flooded with so much emotion in the moment, that they cannot make a rational decision. They try to communicate this subtly, but being a man, subtly is often lost on me(or I catch it but assume i'm wrong).

Now, when dealing with God, I don't think I have this hazard of him not knowing what he wants. But i do need to "stand up" for myself to him. When God told abraham what he was going to do to Sodom and Gamorah, Abraham said, "Will not the Almighty Do right?". He was asking if this was part of Gods character! Can "God" do such a thing?David asked Go to change his mind about killing his son. Moses asked to see God. Even Jesus(God himself) asked God "why have you forsaken me?".

God is asking me to rely on him. I rely on Jessie for many things, but I still have to be a man. otherwise, i'm a wimp. a pansee. This makes her not like me.

I don't think God wants a Pansee Patrick any more than she does.

Fighting

I got to go back to work today. it was good. I enjoyed the days off for awhile, they were nice. But life becoming...too easy. I needed some resistance. something to fight against, to fight for even.


And i'm starting to draw parallels between Video Games and Real Life...

Unexpected Changes

"Life is very strange", she said. "Or is it only strange because it isn't what we expect? If we expected the strange and unexpected to happen then would it seem so strange? Or would it just be wonderful?".

I find it funny that we can have so many plans, idea, dreams, and yet, this world is ever-changing. It's always advancing, always turning, and always seeing new faces. That's not a bad thing, it's just slightly frustrating sometimes.

What If we truly expected the unexpected to happen? What if we actually relied on God?

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
~Matthew 5:25-34


Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that." As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil. Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins.
~James 4:13-17

Moderation of Adoration

So, I'm in love. Hardcore. Head over my heels. I can barely think of anything but my Love. But there's a problem.

My Love is SO out of my league. And it's not just me saying that. And my Love Demands respect and honor. But I just want to Love Him. It seems that Loving God and respecting and honoring him would go hand in hand. So am I doing it wrong?

----

But then, I have another Love. She is closer to my level, though I'd still say she's out of my league. Me and her have had great times Learning and growing together, and then of course just being together. If I had my Way, I'd spend every moment I could with her. But I tried that already, and it ended disastrously. So Now I have to Choose to not spend (some) time with this Amazing Person in my Life.

----

Of course, i don't have to choose between the two loves, for they both love each other as well.

So on the one hand, I need to spend more time...

On the other, I need to spend Less...

You know, this may be hard...

But its WAY more fun than being "single"! :)

Tradition

As many of you know, I do not agree with everything that goes on at my church. To list a few things:

• We sing the same songs every sunday
• the Elders Serve Communion (almost exclusivly)
• They slander the character of past ministers
• They preach and teach something that is at times ENTIRELY different from the word of God.
• When they use the word of God, they use the KJV because "its the best".

I do not like this. Some of these things bug me on a weekly basis! And some of these things are simple by-products of Tradition. This church has "done it" this way for half a century. It used to work. for the size that the town of Neosho used to be, High street was Bustling! But things have changed. The town of Neosho has become a small city, and many things have changed. Caucasians are no longer majority, The town is about 10-12k, and much of the city has been sub-urbanized.

I Looked at this church and wondered why they couldn't see the need for change. I found the reason today. I watched as a poem was read (a poem read every year on this second sunday of dec) and people cried tears of joy. I've had people tell me how excited they are for the youth's christmas program, as it's always a chance for fellowship witht he church and to show these "troubled kids" a little bit of God's Love.

This little church has the biggest heart I think i've ever seen. with a AWA of 50, thier AWO is 1.5K. that's amazing. They love the kids, and sypathize with thier troubled lives, but i think they just don't know what to do. They may worship the same way every week, but they pour themselves into the worship. they do thier very best to make sure its perfect, so that God will be pleased with thier offering of time.

I don't think God cares whether or not it's perfect, but i know he sees those old, tired hearts beating every so strongly for him.

I think Tradition isn't "evil", but as i always say, "Everything in Moderation".

Imagine

Family

I find it truly amazing that we are able to have family away from our families. Here at OCC we have a best friend, who knows us as intimately as we can be known (like a spouse). we have our immediate family, those people we see every day, we live life with, and share our hopes, dreams, and fears with. We have our "reletives" who are the people you know and occaisionally see and hang out with. then of course there are the distant reletives, people you know and love, but barely ever see.

We are leaving our families for a month to see our real families. I miss them already.