I'm all alone!

i've been "living on my own" for almost 3 days now. its very different. i'm currently eating omething i cooked. i'm kinda impressed with myself. but more on this later...

time for church!!

Paradigm (pair-uh-dig-umm)

I got a bumper sticker from a friend today(big news!! lol). It really got me thinking though. I moved out of my house, away from my family, away from home...

...or did I?

I'm closer to my friends than my brothers or my parents. Not to say that i don't love them, but I would rather live my life with my friends than my family. But doesn't that make them Family? They say home is where the Heart is.

(Sings) Yeah, this is Home.

Memories...

Coming hoe from Tulsa today, i saw smoke coming from my area. At first I thought it may have been a house (like mine), but the black smoke made me realize it was a car. I saw the car pulled over near my exit on Highway 412, just burning away. I pulled over to the other shoulder. I watched as the fire department came and sprayed water all over the car to put it out. I watched as a woman, presumably the driver, cried as her car burned up. I watched, and I remembered.

Not 3 months ago, i lived through that very experiance. I sympathized with that woman. I understood what was going through her head, at least to some degree. I almost went over and said something too her, but i talked myself out of it because of my new car.

I now wish i had. When that happened to me, everyone drove by my dad and me, except one guy. He pulled over his Semi(yeah, that was cool) and came over to make sure i was ok and just talk to me and my dad. He was one of the reasons I could laugh about it later. I claim to have learned from that experiance...

...but i couldn't return a favor?

REALLY Random Question

Have you ever had that girl(boy)friend, or crush, or maybe just a friend that always calls you? always bugs you? always wants to hang out? pretty much smothers you?

and your too nice to tell them that your not interested?

hmm... Its like... Bruce Wayne... Only poor...

Which Jesus do you serve?

A wise friend wrote this, i thot i'd share it...

Which Jesus do you follow?
Which Jesus do you serve?
If Ephesians says to imitate Christ,
Then why do you look so much like the world?

Cause my Jesus bled and died
He spent His time with thieves and liars
He loved the poor and accosted the arrogant
So which one do you want to be?

Blessed are the poor in spirit
Or do we pray to be bless me with the wealth of this land
Blessed are they that hunger and thirst for righteousness
Or do we ache for another taste of this world of shifting sands

Cause my Jesus bled and died for my sins
He spent His time with thieves and sluts and liars
He loved the poor and accosted the rich
So which one do you want to be?

Who is this that You follow
This picture of the American dream
If Jesus was here would you walk right by on the other side
Or fall down and worship at His holy feet

Pretty blue eyes and curly brown hair and a clear complexion
Is how you see Him as He dies for Your sins
But the Word says He was battered and scarred
Or did you miss that part
Sometimes I doubt we’d recognize Him

Cause my Jesus bled and died
He spent His time with thieves and the least of these
He loved the poor and accosted the comfortable
So which one do you want to be?

Cause my Jesus would never be accepted in my church
The blood and dirt on His feet might stain the carpet
But He reaches for the hurting and despises the proud
I think He’d prefer Beale St. to the stained glass crowd
And I know that He can hear me if I cry out loud

I want to be like my Jesus
Not a posterchild for American prosperity,
but like my Jesus You see I’m tired of living for success and popularity
I want to be like my Jesus but I’m not sure what that means
to be like You Jesus Cause You said to live like You,
love like You but then You died for me
Can I be like You Jesus?
I want to be like My Jesus (by Todd Agnew )

The Question is are you like Jesus , are you too much like the world, if Jesus saw you would you run up to him and Give him a Hug or would you hide your face in Fear. The time is coming , the time is coming soon when you stand before Jesus what will he say to you well done good and faithfull servant or will he say with you i am displeased,I pray that you want to be like Jesus, die to yourself give all you got to him, The only way you can ever be like Jesus is read his word, so many Christians dont read his word. This is a very sad fact . and you wonder why there are so many cultural Christians? could you see Jesus walking in your feet as you went through your day today? Would he listen to what you listened to would he think that the Comedian was funny, would he think , man that was the most awesome movie , would he want to hang out with you, Are you like Jesus, do you walk the earth as Jesus did, look at the Gospel's look at what Jesus gave up for people , look at what he did for people , look at how he loved people , When people see you do they say , ya know I thnk there is something diffrent about that kid he has something that i dont have and i think i want it ! if you dont make people think that about you you really need to look at your relationship with Jesus!Jesus should not be you number one But your only one May God Bless you in your Wittness and may your relationship with Jesus Grow Closer everyday

I scare myself that much?

It there, i can feel it. Its right there. It's killing me. It's fighting so hard to get out, and I don't know what's stopping it.

Am I afraid of what I may write?

Death

Yesterday, I Got a stomach infection from something I ate here in mexico. It started out as a simple stomach ache, but the ride down these roads(in mexico there are speed bumps about every 20-30 feet) on the way to the pharmacy almost killed me. I threw up 4 times on the way there! Once there, i got a shot, took 3 pills, and drank some of this medicine that tastes like dirty apples. On the way to our missionaries house, i was delerious with pain. I remember feeling soaked from my sweat, i was numb all over, and I kept rubbing my head for some reason. When i opened my eyes, i saw shapes in purple, with white streaks everywhere. after what seemed like an eternity, Josh pulled over and asked if i was about to puke. When i tried to answer, I stuffed my head outside and threw up.

Last night was very rough for me. I was in so much pain it hurt to move and i thought i was going to die. The things and people who were never out of my head during that time make me realize who i do hold dear. I'm both proud of myself and disgusted. Some priorities will have to change, while others, i need to make stronger.

No Escapo de Rapido

There is no quick way out...

I'm over 1000 miles away from home, in another country, and with people I have either never met or hardly know. I'm here for the explicit pupose to spread the Name of Jesus AND remove my mind from "the norm". And yet, I can't. I've been trying to change my mindset, use this as a jumpstart, a way to break habits that need broken.

But I think time will be the only cure. I've tried everything from sheer removal, to gradual removel, to culture shock!

But then, everyone knows the first stage is denial. I'm not 100% convinced I have a problem.

And that friends, IS the problem...

Bursting, bursting, and burst...

I deserve to be dead before i was an hour old. I deserve to be burning in the pits of hell with a seat right next to satan for what i've done. My life has in a very real, tangible sense an abomination to the purpose that God designed me for. I know i'm forgiven. And believe me, i'm not Guilt ridden. But i realize that I deserve nothing. I am a quivering worm at the feet of an Awesome King, and for me to claim i deserve anything is absurd.

And yet, this king has not only saved me, but cares for and loves me. He tells me these desires I have are things that he created me with. I can only ask that he give them to me in his time.

I know I am called to ministry, that is NOT something i'm wondering about. But do I learn at OCC? at DCC? at college at all? And is my Ministry Primarily based in some US church youth group? in the middle of africa to a tribe that doesn't even have a written laguange, much less the Word of God?

I'm really afraid of mexico. I'm excited too, but i'm also afraid. I'm afraid God is is going to tell me more about what he wants me to be doing. And I'm afraid it's not going to be anything i'm expecting or ready for, or worse, maybe i'm right about where he wants me. I say worse because that's what i'm least ready for. However, Love is more than a feeling, it is a choice. I have chosen to Love God with ALL that I am. Therefore, if he tells me something i'm not to sure about it, I will try my hardest not to waver as i do it.

James says faith without works is dead. But I think i won't have a problem with the works, but the faith. that's so wierd. but it's how it goes.

Again, I'm still moving to Joplin and Going to OCC, but i feel i need to constantly evalute myself and my actions and motives or i may go in the right direction and fail. I don't want that.

He's worth too Much...

It feels like Chaos

There is so much going through my head right now. I have so many plans, fears, expectations, dreads, hopes, worries...And I need to drop them.

Good Things: I'm moving up to Joplin on the 28th of July! I have a Job at Ihop. I'm going to Mexico this Saturday. I'm Preaching at My Church the 27th. I'm FINALLY Going Back to School!

Bad Things: There's hard things, like my parents telling me i'm going to fail. My dad doesn't thnk i've shown any change at all, and doesn't think i have the self-disipline to do what i need to succeed. I don't know how i'm going to pay for school. And then, of course, I heard possibly the best news i'd ever heard, built up expectations and hopes over the next 30 hours, then got a "Just Kidding" from the source. I don't even understand why.

But regardless, life continues. Maybe my dad is right. Maybe i'm gonna fail. Maybe I won't be able to pay for school. Maybe I'll lose the (quite possiblly) best friend i've ever had. But if i do, God is still in control. If i fall in my typical fashion, i'll land face first into a huge pile of mud. but if i do, i will not rush to get up. i will take a moment, let the coolness of the mud refresh me. i will "be still and know that HE is God". Then i will get up, and give it another go.

I can't go through life plagued by "what ifs" and worries and fears. I will always have those, but i will trust that God knows best. I think of David, after his sin with Bathsheba. God told him his Son would die as punishment. The child then grew ill. David tore his clothes, wept, fasted, and prayed. He pleaded, begged, and groveled to the Lord that he might change his mind and let the child live. Then the child died.

But here is what's cool. as Soon as the attendant told David the child had died, he got up, washed himself, and put on new clothes. Then he went and had dinner. Even though He had Emotionally Spent himself pleading with God for something, When God said no, he was Ok with that. He trusted God's will, plan, and timing.

So whatever your doing Inside of me,
It feels like chaos but I believe
Your up to Something Bigger than Me
Larger than Life Something Heavenly

Time to Face up Clean this Old House
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That i've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears

The happiest Confusion ever

2 weeks later, and i STILL want to write that song. but i may have found more of a reason. :)

I understand that a big part of life is denial. there are things all of us want to do, but in order to be mature, we must delay gratification. in short, we give up something for now so that we can have later on and in a better context. But at what point should you draw that line?

At what point is it beyond that line and you throw logic out the window and go for it?

Love is so Confusing...