Back to square one?

Have I truly answered my calling? "Here am I, Send Me Father." Did I say that? Do i understand the gravity of my position and have commited my all to God?

Or did i simply tell God "what he wanted to hear" to get him off my back? agree to ministry simply So God would stop bugging me? Was it all an act? a Facade?

Dishonesty is like a cancer. It eats away at relationships...at trust...but does so subtly. From inside. You never know there's a problem till it too late.

It is a Sad man who cannot trust himself. I don't know if i'm lying to myself or not because quite frankly, I don't remember.

Father?

...

...Help...

(sigh)...

Have you ever pondered how truly meaningless our existence is? After this is all over, we'll get new bodies. Those bodies won't have these brains, so we won't rememeber any of this. Everything we do is doomed to failure at some degree because of our fallen nature. Many of the things that many of us call "huge deals", we won't remember in 3-6 months. And yet we will stress, get mad, even cry about these things.

I still remember how I felt the day I told everyone I was leaving OCC. But in 3 years, that will be a blip on the map. I still remember the feeling that I "had too" kiss Keri, because there was "no other way" for the relationship to work. Well, it didn't work. And now I wish I still had virgin lips.

Impulse buying. Impulse Eating. On the Whim plans. Do we ever even think about how much time and money we pour into useless things? I remember how appalled at myself I was when me and Keri broke up. I was saving $300 a month by breaking up with her, plus adding +30 hours to my week.

Jesus asked me to be a steward of the gifts he has Given me. In that case, i'm not sure that beating the single-player of Assassin's Creed fulfulled that commandment. However, if I invite that Kid in my Youth Group over to play Assassin's Creed because he doesn't have an Xbox, I think i'm doing the right thing.

To quote one of the greatest theologians of our time, "Why does growing up have to be so hard?". And yet, Jesus told us to act like children. Yet we're sposed to grow up and lose ou innocence? that can't be right...

Oh...I get it...

Freakin Adam got the munchies in the Garden. Darn you!!! *shakes fit angrily*

Come right out and say it.

So this friend of mine has a problem. He has something he really needs to say to someone. It's not something bad, but it has..."bad timing". She may not want to hear it right now, and my friend is not sure that telling her is the right thing to do. What does God want him to do?

Ok, you caught me. It's not my friend, it's me.

I have something I really need to say to someone. And I want to tell them. But I'm not sure if right now is the best time to tell or not. I understand Proverbs 27:5. But I also understand Ecclesiasts 3:1-8. What do I Do?

Throw caution to the wind? Tell her? Get it off my chest? Maybe it would be good for her to hear it right now?

Or do I go with my initial decision and wait for a more suitible time? Perhaps I was right, and saying something will do more harm than good.

I find it ironic that I do actully have a friend struggling with a similer situation right now. But her decision is honestly a little more serious than mine. I told her to speak up.

Should I Follow my own advice?

What to do, what to do...

(Just a forewarning, this is a biggie, so u may want to go make some popcorn or somthing so u don't starve to death while reading.)

Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed. ~Proverbs 16:3throatwise

My pastor has been talking about finances recently. He's covered titheing, Godly spending, saving money and avoiding debt. Seems i've already got most of those covered. He's also been talking about all the blessings that God will rain down on someone who follows these principles. Ok, blessings are always good. But i guess i'm not seeing them. Yes, God is blessing me, but its not "the desires of my heart".

My pastor's last sermon was about what to do while the blessings are on the move. God is waiting to bless me richly, but wut do i do until then?

1) Don't Gripe

Do everything without complaining or argueing so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which u shine like stars in the universe. ~Phillipians 2:14-15

By not complaining and griping, u go against the norm of society. Somebody hurt you? Sue them! Gripe and complain to everyone! Rail on your boss for paying to little! Complain about how few hours you get! But we shouldn't. Once again, God calls us to be salt and light in the world.

2) Work hard

Do you see a man skilled in his work? He will serve before Kings, He will not serve before obscure men. ~Proverbs 22:29

Learn a trade. Get good at something. Learning a trade skill is not only practical, but is impressive.

Whatever your hands find to do, do it with all your might, for in the grave, where you are going, there is neither working nor planning nor knowledge nor wisdom. ~Ecclesiastes 9:10

Ah solomon, the "Eternal Optimist". However he makes a good point. God made us for work, and so, we should work.

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men. ~Colossians 3:23

While working for fallen men can be hard, as they have flaws, and yet somehow expect perfection, when you envision yourself working for The Lord himself, it completly changes your perspective.

3) Be Honest

The Lord abhors dishonest scales, but accurate weights are his delight. ~ Proverbs 11:1

Dishonest money dwindles away, but he who gathers money little by little makes it grow. ~Proverbs 13:11

God wants us to rely on him for blessings, not on being dishonest, or shady. When we are involved in a "get-rich-quick" scheme, we are taking our faith of of God, and placing it on money.

4) Maintain Godly Priorities

Jesus Replied, " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments. ~Matthew 22:37-40

Love God. Love Man. The rest will fall into place. Just don't lose sight of the reason behind everything while trying to serve him. It's amazing how we can lose sight of God while trying to be a better servant of him. We get so caught up in making ourselves better, we fall back into selfishness, but it's even worse because we think we're doing it for God, so it doesn't seem like there is a problem.

Even though God has promised to bless us, the main thing to remember is not to serve him just to be blessed. It's like a Job with benifits. You don't goto the just to get free fountain drinks, stylish uniforms, and health insurance. You goto work for the money. The benifits are just that, an added benefit.

Amazing Grace

Psalms 37:2 "Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will grant you the desires of your heart".

I got my new Guitar. Then I got another one for free as a surprise. Jessie came down to Oklahoma even though there was supposed to be an ice storm. All my friends made it to "nerd-con" at my house on Saturday. A friend from high school is doing well. Villa heights is paying for my stolen guitar. QT is going to let me be ER until I promote.

God is working in my life. Alot. I see his hand moving the more i think about it. He is pouring out blessings when i barely put out for him. But as he blesses me, i've been inspired to put out more, through which, I have been blessed even more. God's Amazing grace is just that, Amazing. There is no reason for God to Love me like he does, save one. He made me. God has not given up on me. God is not going to give up on me.

So I won't either.

within myself

I've always thought of myself as musically talented. I play music by ear, and so composing is no issue for me. However, as a lyricist, i've always cut myself short. I've never liked any of my lyrics and have kept them well hidden.

When i told a friend of mine this, she asked if i believed that couldn't write lyrics. she also said she thought i wasn't giving myself room to grow and was being overly critical of myself. so i latched on to the tiny half-comment.

I wrote a song! not my own song, but a parody of another song. but that in itself sparked another thought. if i compose my own music, could i not compose my own lyrics in the same fashion. i now believe in myself. i want to try to write a song, and i'm expecting it to be good. i've always just planned on it being bad, but not anymore.

It's amazing what we're capable of when we fool ourselves into believeing somthing.

i'll do it tommorrow

I'll do it tommorrow. I'll read My bible when i get to Ozark. (that didn't happen) I'll read my bible when i have more time(also a failure). I'll read my bible when i go back to ozark(Haven't i been here before?).

I don't want to read today. i don't want to workout today. I don't want to get my car fixed today. Instead i take the HUGE amount of freetime i've been given, and squander it. i Play video games for marathon amounts of time. I talk on the phone late at night to people since i'm sleeping in till noon anyway. I never realized how lazy i really was till i came back home. With "nothing to do", i still ignore to do the things i need too but used to be "too busy".

so there. step one complete. i admit the fact i have a problem. All i have to do is go pick up my bible, and read. and again tomorrow. and again after that. and after that.

will i be this determined in a week?

Blessings From on high

They say you never know what you got until its gone. I've been experiancing this with leaving Ozark. I'm away from the atmosphere, the classes, the learning, the dorms...the people.

That what it boils down too. I miss people. Being gone has shown me just how much i care for the people up there. It has brought out emotions stronger than i knew i was capable of. My Fast has been made even more difficult with the onset all these emotions. To obsess over anything or anyone over God is so easy to do, and yet, must be avoided.

It has made me less of a complainer. I now treasure every moment, every conversation with them. I'm more focused. Everything i do i analyze to see how it helps me get back to OCC either short-term or long-term, but long term takes priority.

I've also discovered alot about myself. Friends may know you better than you know yourself. having things pointed out by my friends now that i'm gone has helped me grow.

I've also had more questions. About me, about God, About my friends. Questions like "Do they care?", "Do they really Miss Me?", "Is God even there?". After this weekend, the first 2 were definatly answered. and because of the circumstances that allowed me to come, i'm either one lucky fellow, or There is a God. And i'd rather go to bank on God than Luck.