The Plan

Occasionally I try to imagine my life in 5 years in the future. Theres so many questions I ask myself. What am I Doing? Where do I live? Am I Married? Who to? etc.

With all the questions I ask, theres one I never Ask. I never ask if I'll be following God's will. I do ask how, but never if. I have a burning Passion to serve the Lord. I know that in 5 years I will be serving the Lord, or with the Lord.

The rest is Details.

As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord
~Josh. 24:15

Re-Do

So its not a confusing decision, i know That i have to make a decision, it's not a hidden problem.

Ok, and I know the right answer, and I know the wrong answer, there's no gray.

I pick the wrong one.

So...how do i fix it? I know i don't get a straight up re-do, but can I talk the issue through and maybe make repairs now before there is irrepparble damage?

Albumns

Today I was looking thorugh photo albumns with Jessie and her family of her baby pictures. I was listening to all the stories that went along with each picture, watching her parents and friend talk about her so lovingly, and listen to her intrigue in those same stories, and I realized something... Other people have lives too.

It seems so obvious, and yet at the same time, its so easy to forget. People aren't just robots programmed to act a certain way for our benifit, People are people. They have interests, stories, dreams, inside jokes, just like everyone else. I think that its the main part of marriage: promising to share that life with someone else, not just sometime, but ALL the time. living in the same house, the same room, the same bed, virtually no escape from that person. I do find it good that I learned this before I went into ministry, and I pray that I remember it well.

I realized for probobly the first time today (even though it's obvious) that i'm not the only one who loves Jessie. She has affected more people than just me in a positive way. She has made memories, changed lives, and just been a part of life with other people. I cannot be selfish in asking her to spend more time with me, even if I enjoy it.

Besides the fact that I would never want to hurt her, I now know all these other people who would be hurt if she were ever to be. She is an incredible person, and yet it seems like she is a vase; beautiful, but fragile. If i'm not careful with her, I will harm her irreppablly. All I can hoope to do is affect her life in such a way that she puts me in those photo albumns too because she wants to remember me.

I am Your's

What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.

You adulterous people, don't you know that friendship with the world is hatred towards God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God. Or do you think Scripture says without reason that the spirit he caused to live in us envies intensely? But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says:

God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.(Proverbs 3:34)

Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.

Brothers, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against his brother or judges him speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it. There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you— who are you to judge your neighbour?

~James 4:1-12

God has answered alot of my prayers. God has also not answered alot of my prayers. I look at what i've done with some of my answered prayers and see why. Many things I ask for, I ask for with Selfish motives. I only ask so that my life with be easier, or more pleasurable. Rarely do I ask for something on the sole basis that I NEED it or that It would help advance my ministry.

Look at Verse 4:

You adulterous people, don't you know that friendship with the world is hatred towards God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God.

I like to think that I am a friend of God. But sometimes in seems like i'm only helping myself. But then James says God has more grace for us, And gives us the answer in verse 7 and on:

Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you...Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.

Father, starting today, i'm resubmitting myself to you. It doesn't matter what I want or what Jessie wants, or what I think. You are my Lord and My God, and whatever you say is the final word. I am your's.

Testimony

In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord seated on a throne, high and exalted, and the train of his robe filled the temple. Above him were seraphs, each with six wings: With two wings they covered their faces, with two they covered their feet, and with two they were flying. And they were calling to one another:

Holy, holy, holy is the LORD Almighty; the whole earth is full of his glory.

At the sound of their voices the doorposts and thresholds shook and the temple was filled with smoke. Woe to me! I cried. I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the LORD Almighty. Then one of the seraphs flew to me with a live coal in his hand, which he had taken with tongs from the altar. With it he touched my mouth and said, See, this has touched your lips; your guilt is taken away and your sin atoned for. Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, Whom shall I send? And who will go for us? And I said, Here am I. Send me!
~Isaiah 6:1-8

Chris DeWelt is probobly my least fovrite Professor this semester. From the standpoint of a Student, i don't like his class. He is constantly going on tangents, he is drawing strange conclusions, and his emotions seem to be a major part of the curriculum. However, as a man, I have come to Highly respect him.

Chris is one of the most passionate people I know. He is serious about God's work, and is convinced that God is serious about missions. He displays a love for people and cultures that i've heard about but have never seen. He talks about individuals, specific people, not just statistics on a powerpoint. He gets going on rants about how selfish we are as American Christians, and I don't like it...because I know he's mostly right. He talks about the poverty and utter depravity people live in, and it brings him to tears.

I Want to be like that. I want to be SO passionate for advancing the Kingdom, for saving youth, for educating Christians about Serving God, that I cannot think about myself while speaking or thinking about it. I want to be Sold out for Christ. To be like the Apostle Paul...

I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death...
~Philippians 3:10

To this end I labor, struggling with all his energy, which so powerfully works in me.
~Colossians 1:29

Here am I. Send Me.

Mmmm...Stress: Delicious

I don't react well to stress. I take great pride in my ability to deflect stress. I can take small amounts, in fact it ussually makes me work better. When i was at Quiktrip, being stressed during the 6am work rush was something I actully looked forward too. But if get Large doses of stress, I break down. I become this dark person. I have to focus everything I am on not hurting people especially those I care about the most. I'm not sure people understand how much of a monster I can become.

Today, i called into work, spent a few hours working on papers with Jessie, and had a talk with a dear friend I hardly get to speak to anymore. On top of all that, i have a good portion of one of my major papers finished. Talking to my friends about thier issue made me go into Golden Retriever Mode and stop thinking about myself. Once you do that, it's easy to not be stressed. I think if I get some good sleep and make it too this weekend I should fully recover.

And of course, getting back into the habit of daily prayer and bible reading couldn't hurt either...

Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no-one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

~Isaiah 40:28-31

Priorities

I Love my Friends. They are so understanding. Even if they are the best at making fun of me (AKA keeping me humble), They would fight for me if they needed to. In fact, They fight for me and love me even when i'm not being a good friend to them.

This is an apology. I'm sorry for being the crappy friend I have been the past few weeks. Some of you may say, "it's cuz You have a girlfriend now", or "you have alot of homework", or "You haven't been that bad", to which i say your still just defending me. A Couple of you may be saying, "ah, he finally noticed!" to which I say, if I do this ever in the future, slap me around and tell me.

Quite Honestly, i've just been selfish lately. I've stayed out late with Jessie, I've manipulated those around me to get what I want, I've pursued my own desires. I've not been spending daily communion with God, and it shows. It's amazing how much of a difference there is when I spend time with the Lord Daily. 2 weeks ago, i was Joyous, encouraging, and stress free. This week, i've been cranky, manipulative, sarcastic, and completly tired.

Those of you that Read this need to know I love you. I have not been showing it lately, and i'm very sorry. I'm making myself and you a promise right now to change it.

You've got Mail

It's amazing how much can change with one email.

I recieved a facebook message just now from a Ex-dear friend of mine. Someone who had a falling out with me, and we stopped maintaining contact. She told me she wanted my forgivness. I feel like I should be asking for hers.

This relationship had its faults and failures like any other, but until this point we were both pushing them under the rug. Now we are pulling them out, dusting them off, and trying to find a way to reconcile them without repeating our mistakes. Whether we will become friends again or not is not clear, and I would dare say it's less than likely, but there is peace now. Peace in knowing that I can use this knowledge to better myself and my current and future relationships.

God, you are truly a God of wonders.

Quiet Foo!!

I had a bad night at work last night. I forgot my service book, I only brought one pen, I kept forgetting people's drinks and food(even to punch them in the computer), and I had several cooks, servers, and customers mad at me!

But I made $90.

Sometimes i think God blesses me to show me how wrong I am. Yes, He does chastise me sometimes, but he also blesses me. All included, i actully had a really good night at work. the only thing that made it bad was the fact that I was so focused on myself. If had been more outwardly focused, i would hav had a better night. I pride myself on being an encourager at IHOP, but last night, i was the griper.

A prudent man conceals knowledge, but the heart of fools proclaims foolishness.
~Proverbs 12:23

Family Matters

So, i've never dealt with any measure of homesickness before. i've always dreaded (for the most part) returning home, especially since going to college. However, I forgot to call my dad for his birthday 2 weeks ago. my brother Sean's birthday is tomorrow, and i'm not just calling him, i'm going home to visit.

I miss my family alot. I'm worried about Ryan in school, i'm worried about Sean's Spiritual Walk, i'm worried about my dad and his responsibilities as head of the family...

I'm really excited to go home. I don't expect it to be all peachy, fuzzy, happy, blah blah blah...thats never gonna happen. on the contrary, i'm going to be made fun of, ridiculed, told I am gay, "offered" drugs, and my girlfriend will prolly get mocked too. But that's ok, because thats how my family rolls...blunts that is!

he he, gotcha ;)

Always on my mind

So, it seems like i'm excellent at "learning a lesson" a week or 2 in advance, and then later on when I NEED to KNOW what to do (even though i "already learned") I fail.

Father, I'm sorry. I don't know how your not tired of hearing that from me, but i really am. This of all things, i never thought would come between you and me, but it has. Help me fix this. You are Truly the most important thing to me. Give me the strength to always keep you in that place.

L-O-V-E

I've never been in this place before. I took a leap of faith, and now it feels like I'm flying; and i'm not alone. I know that we can't fly forever, but I almost want the hard times to come, to see if we can take them on. It feels so right, and I know we have the Lord's Blessing. I close my eyes, i see her. I look at something else, it reminds me of her.

I know that alot of this is just feelings and emotions. I also know we've been through alot together.

I love you Jessie.

Mercy

They came to Bethsaida, and some people brought a blind man and begged Jesus to touch him. He took the blind man by the hand and led him outside the village. When he had spit on the man's eyes and put his hands on him, Jesus asked, “Do you see anything?” He looked up and said, “I see people; they look like trees walking around.” Once more Jesus put his hands on the man's eyes. Then his eyes were opened, his sight was restored, and he saw everything clearly. Jesus sent him home, saying, “Don't go into the village."

~Mark 8:22-26

Ask any of my friends if i'm a sarcastic person, and they'll prolly respond sarcasticlly that I'm not sarcastic at all. I get quite a bit of enjoyment out of picking others apart and belittling people. One of my favorite pastimes is making fun of Women. Now, i'm not against women's rights or anything, i simply like pressing their buttons. I even admit doing this to my Girlfriend(she ussually my primary target).

Peter buckland was talking about Mercy for a bit today. He is a sarcastic person himself. he says its normal for us guys to pick on people, especially women. Women are naturally sweet and caring(its they're nature) and we as men can be relentless at making fun of them because of that. He said we should practice Mercy towards them more.

I think Women are merciful towards us all the time. They are sweet, caring, and loving, even though we give them crap all the time. The only time Women are not is when a) they reach a breaking point or b) when they have been constantly abused by men into being sarcastic creatures out of self-defense.

Imagine what would happen if all men started treating women with Love, respect...Mercy...

Eve was God's gift to Adam. Now her daughters are literally everywhere, and all we can seem to do is complain about how long it takes for them to put on makeup! Would it change your outlook to understand that she puts on that make-up (at least partially) for your benifit? sure, we'll all say we don't care, but at the same time, she lovingly puts forth effort on your behalf and you ridicule her for it?

Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as (co-)hiers with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers. Finally, all of you, Live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble.

~I Peter 3:7-8 (Emphasis and Parenthetical added)

Passion...

i feel like a religious fanatic. but i'm not.

I'm in love. it just so happens i'm in love with the Lord of...well, everything!!!

Dreadful Love

Have you ever been worried about someone else? Not like a casual, "oh i hope they're ok" but a true deep sense of dread surrounding someone else's future? It's like you see something coming that they don't, even if your not exactly sure what it is, and you want to protect them, but you can't because they won't let you and you don't know exactly what it is.

and then you come to the conclusion that your relationship isn't deep enough for you to make that assumption anyways, so you sit idly by until they come running for help from something you (think you) could have prevented.

God is Love.

...I don't envy him, this Love stuff is hard.