Supposed too

I was listening to the Song Hosanna the other day, and suddenly became curious as to what it actually meant. While I didn't search any in-depth sources(i.e. i stuck to Wikipedia and Websters), The only definition i could find was "an Exclamation of Praise, adoration, and thankfulness". Cool. But did I mean that every time i sang it? surely not. I said it because it's a part of the song. I'm supposed to say it.

But why do I call God a King? Lord? Savior? Because I'm supposed too?

Why do I greet people? Am I truly happy to see them? Why do I Thank people? Am I truly thankful for their gift?

Why do I tell My girlfriend, or my parents that I love them? Do I truly? Or am I just Supposed too?

I call God a King, Not because I am Supposed to, But because I make him the King of my life everyday. I call him Savior because he pulled me from the fiery pits of hell.

Words are important. Small actions can convey deep feelings. The lack of the same can hide those very feelings. I claim to Love God's word, but I also try to apply to my everyday life. imagine if I said I loved it, but never opened it up or changed my Behavior because of it. I would be a liar.

James said, Faith without Works is Dead. I would argue that love without actions is not truly love, but manipulation. That is not Love. That is hate.

High stakes

I make an appointment with someone, with you perhaps, for sometime in any of your tomorrows, and all the future tomorrows that follow your yesterdays.

I reach out into a future that neither one of us can see, and i plan a meeting with you, and ask you to trust me to be there with you.

I stretch myself into unpredictable days ahead and make one thing predictable for you: I will be there with you.

I create a small Island of certainty in the swirling waters of our uncertainties; the certainity of my presence with you.

I make space in my life for you that you know will be there waiting for you, even if every other place is crowded.

These are some of the things I do when I make a commintment to another Human Being.

How strange it is when you think about it, that a mere human being can take hold of the future and fasten one part of it down for another person.

Devastation and Reform

Sometimes I really wonder if I'm getting this love thing. I'm not talking about my relationship with Jessie(even though I am). I don't love people. I act like I do, and yet something inside me is constantly fighting to get out. It's the part that hates other people. Makes me Jealous, Makes me Angry, Makes me a bad friend.

Thankyou God for me the Insight
So I might make these wrongs right
If and when there ever is a next time
Cuz failure is a blessing in disguise.

Pull my heart out, Reconstruct
In the end it's nothing but
A shell of what I had when first started.

You've given me everything I need to succeed. I have a desire to serve you. I hate screwing up. I want to do my best for you...and I want to feed my ego. I need to come to realize(like I did this spring) that when I screw up it's a chance to learn. To serve you in a better, fuller capacity.

Thy Brother's Blood Crieth

This is a poem about the reality of hell. If you don't want to be moved, don't read this.

By Amy Carmichael

The tom-toms thumped straight on all night, and the darkness shuddered round me like a living, feeling thing. I could not go to sleep, so I lay awake and looked; and I saw, as it seemed, this:

That I stood on a grassy patch, and at my feet a ravine broke straight down into infinite space. I looked, but saw no bottom; only cloud shapes, black and furiously coiled, and great shadow-shrouded hollows, and unfathomable depths. Back I drew, dizzy at the depth.

Then I saw forms of people moving toward the edge. There was a woman with a baby in her arms and another little child holding on to her dress. She was on the very edge. She lifted her foot for the next step... Then, to my horror, I saw that she was blind. Before I could say anything she was over, and the children with her. Their cries pierced the air as they fell into the inky blackness of the ravine!

Then I saw more streams of people flowing from all quarters. All were blind, stone blind; all walked straight toward the edge. There were shrieks as they suddenly knew themselves falling, and a tossing up of helpless arms, catching, clutching at empty air. But some went over quietly, and fell without a sound.

Then I wondered, with a wonder that was sheer agony, why no one stopped them at the edge. I could not. I was glued to the ground, and I couldn't even yell; though I strained and tried, only a whisper would come out.

Then I saw that along the edge there were sentries set at intervals.

But the intervals were too large; there were wide, unguarded gaps between. And over these gaps the people fell in their blindness, unwarned; and the green grass seemed blood-red to me, and the ravine yawned like the mouth of hell.

Then I saw, like a little picture of peace, a group of people under some trees with their backs turned towards the ravine. They were making daisy chains. Sometimes when a piercing shriek cut the quiet air and reached them, it disturbed them and they thought it was a rather crude noise. And if one of their group started up and wanted to go and do something to help, then all the others would pull that one down. "Why should you get so excited about it? You must wait for a definite call to go! You haven't finished your daisy chain yet. It would be really selfish," they said, "to leave us to finish the work alone."

There was another group. It was made up of people whose great desire was to get more sentries out; but they found that very few wanted to go, and sometimes there were no sentries for miles and miles along the edge.

Once a girl stood alone in her place, waving the people back; but her mother and other relations called, and reminded her that her furlough was due; she must not break the rules. And being tired and needing a change, she had to go and rest for awhile; but no one was sent to guard her gap, and over and over the people fell, like a waterfall of souls. Once a child grabbed at a tuft of grass that grew at the very edge of the ravine; it clung convulsively, and it called - but nobody seemed to hear. Then the roots of the grass gave way, and with a cry the child went over, its two little hands still holding tight to the torn-off bunch of grass. And the girl who longed to be back in her gap thought she heard the little one cry, and she sprang up and wanted to go; at which her friends reproved her, reminding her that no one is necessary anywhere; "The gap would be well taken care of!", they said. And then they sang a hymn.

Then through the hymn came another sound like the pain of a million broken hearts wrung out in one full drop, one sob. And a horror of great darkness was upon me, for I knew that it was "The Cry of the Blood".

Then a voice thundered. It was the voice of the Lord, and He said, "What hast thou done? The voice of thy brother's blood crieth unto me from the ground."

The tom-toms still beat heavily, the darkness still shuddered and shivered about me; I heard the yells of the devil-dancers and weird, wild shrieks of the devil-possessed just outside the gate.
What does it matter, after all? It has gone on for years; it will go on for years. Why make such a fuss about it? God forgive us!

God arouse us! Shame us out of our callousness! Shame us out of our sin!

If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth.
~1 John 3:17-18

well...Meh!

you know, i have something i could write about, but i just don't want to.

It's not that's bad to share or anything, i simply don't want to write about it!

...So yeah, there's my being assertive for the day.

To the Victor...

Yeah, that's right.

Today, I beat Jackie Scharfenburg(sp?) at ping pong.

I came back from a 15-20 deficit to a final score of 24-22.

And I ate a Klondike Bar.

Owned.

The Plan

Occasionally I try to imagine my life in 5 years in the future. Theres so many questions I ask myself. What am I Doing? Where do I live? Am I Married? Who to? etc.

With all the questions I ask, theres one I never Ask. I never ask if I'll be following God's will. I do ask how, but never if. I have a burning Passion to serve the Lord. I know that in 5 years I will be serving the Lord, or with the Lord.

The rest is Details.

As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord
~Josh. 24:15

Re-Do

So its not a confusing decision, i know That i have to make a decision, it's not a hidden problem.

Ok, and I know the right answer, and I know the wrong answer, there's no gray.

I pick the wrong one.

So...how do i fix it? I know i don't get a straight up re-do, but can I talk the issue through and maybe make repairs now before there is irrepparble damage?

Albumns

Today I was looking thorugh photo albumns with Jessie and her family of her baby pictures. I was listening to all the stories that went along with each picture, watching her parents and friend talk about her so lovingly, and listen to her intrigue in those same stories, and I realized something... Other people have lives too.

It seems so obvious, and yet at the same time, its so easy to forget. People aren't just robots programmed to act a certain way for our benifit, People are people. They have interests, stories, dreams, inside jokes, just like everyone else. I think that its the main part of marriage: promising to share that life with someone else, not just sometime, but ALL the time. living in the same house, the same room, the same bed, virtually no escape from that person. I do find it good that I learned this before I went into ministry, and I pray that I remember it well.

I realized for probobly the first time today (even though it's obvious) that i'm not the only one who loves Jessie. She has affected more people than just me in a positive way. She has made memories, changed lives, and just been a part of life with other people. I cannot be selfish in asking her to spend more time with me, even if I enjoy it.

Besides the fact that I would never want to hurt her, I now know all these other people who would be hurt if she were ever to be. She is an incredible person, and yet it seems like she is a vase; beautiful, but fragile. If i'm not careful with her, I will harm her irreppablly. All I can hoope to do is affect her life in such a way that she puts me in those photo albumns too because she wants to remember me.

I am Your's

What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.

You adulterous people, don't you know that friendship with the world is hatred towards God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God. Or do you think Scripture says without reason that the spirit he caused to live in us envies intensely? But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says:

God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.(Proverbs 3:34)

Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.

Brothers, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against his brother or judges him speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it. There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you— who are you to judge your neighbour?

~James 4:1-12

God has answered alot of my prayers. God has also not answered alot of my prayers. I look at what i've done with some of my answered prayers and see why. Many things I ask for, I ask for with Selfish motives. I only ask so that my life with be easier, or more pleasurable. Rarely do I ask for something on the sole basis that I NEED it or that It would help advance my ministry.

Look at Verse 4:

You adulterous people, don't you know that friendship with the world is hatred towards God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God.

I like to think that I am a friend of God. But sometimes in seems like i'm only helping myself. But then James says God has more grace for us, And gives us the answer in verse 7 and on:

Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you...Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.

Father, starting today, i'm resubmitting myself to you. It doesn't matter what I want or what Jessie wants, or what I think. You are my Lord and My God, and whatever you say is the final word. I am your's.

Testimony

In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord seated on a throne, high and exalted, and the train of his robe filled the temple. Above him were seraphs, each with six wings: With two wings they covered their faces, with two they covered their feet, and with two they were flying. And they were calling to one another:

Holy, holy, holy is the LORD Almighty; the whole earth is full of his glory.

At the sound of their voices the doorposts and thresholds shook and the temple was filled with smoke. Woe to me! I cried. I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the LORD Almighty. Then one of the seraphs flew to me with a live coal in his hand, which he had taken with tongs from the altar. With it he touched my mouth and said, See, this has touched your lips; your guilt is taken away and your sin atoned for. Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, Whom shall I send? And who will go for us? And I said, Here am I. Send me!
~Isaiah 6:1-8

Chris DeWelt is probobly my least fovrite Professor this semester. From the standpoint of a Student, i don't like his class. He is constantly going on tangents, he is drawing strange conclusions, and his emotions seem to be a major part of the curriculum. However, as a man, I have come to Highly respect him.

Chris is one of the most passionate people I know. He is serious about God's work, and is convinced that God is serious about missions. He displays a love for people and cultures that i've heard about but have never seen. He talks about individuals, specific people, not just statistics on a powerpoint. He gets going on rants about how selfish we are as American Christians, and I don't like it...because I know he's mostly right. He talks about the poverty and utter depravity people live in, and it brings him to tears.

I Want to be like that. I want to be SO passionate for advancing the Kingdom, for saving youth, for educating Christians about Serving God, that I cannot think about myself while speaking or thinking about it. I want to be Sold out for Christ. To be like the Apostle Paul...

I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death...
~Philippians 3:10

To this end I labor, struggling with all his energy, which so powerfully works in me.
~Colossians 1:29

Here am I. Send Me.

Mmmm...Stress: Delicious

I don't react well to stress. I take great pride in my ability to deflect stress. I can take small amounts, in fact it ussually makes me work better. When i was at Quiktrip, being stressed during the 6am work rush was something I actully looked forward too. But if get Large doses of stress, I break down. I become this dark person. I have to focus everything I am on not hurting people especially those I care about the most. I'm not sure people understand how much of a monster I can become.

Today, i called into work, spent a few hours working on papers with Jessie, and had a talk with a dear friend I hardly get to speak to anymore. On top of all that, i have a good portion of one of my major papers finished. Talking to my friends about thier issue made me go into Golden Retriever Mode and stop thinking about myself. Once you do that, it's easy to not be stressed. I think if I get some good sleep and make it too this weekend I should fully recover.

And of course, getting back into the habit of daily prayer and bible reading couldn't hurt either...

Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no-one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

~Isaiah 40:28-31

Priorities

I Love my Friends. They are so understanding. Even if they are the best at making fun of me (AKA keeping me humble), They would fight for me if they needed to. In fact, They fight for me and love me even when i'm not being a good friend to them.

This is an apology. I'm sorry for being the crappy friend I have been the past few weeks. Some of you may say, "it's cuz You have a girlfriend now", or "you have alot of homework", or "You haven't been that bad", to which i say your still just defending me. A Couple of you may be saying, "ah, he finally noticed!" to which I say, if I do this ever in the future, slap me around and tell me.

Quite Honestly, i've just been selfish lately. I've stayed out late with Jessie, I've manipulated those around me to get what I want, I've pursued my own desires. I've not been spending daily communion with God, and it shows. It's amazing how much of a difference there is when I spend time with the Lord Daily. 2 weeks ago, i was Joyous, encouraging, and stress free. This week, i've been cranky, manipulative, sarcastic, and completly tired.

Those of you that Read this need to know I love you. I have not been showing it lately, and i'm very sorry. I'm making myself and you a promise right now to change it.

You've got Mail

It's amazing how much can change with one email.

I recieved a facebook message just now from a Ex-dear friend of mine. Someone who had a falling out with me, and we stopped maintaining contact. She told me she wanted my forgivness. I feel like I should be asking for hers.

This relationship had its faults and failures like any other, but until this point we were both pushing them under the rug. Now we are pulling them out, dusting them off, and trying to find a way to reconcile them without repeating our mistakes. Whether we will become friends again or not is not clear, and I would dare say it's less than likely, but there is peace now. Peace in knowing that I can use this knowledge to better myself and my current and future relationships.

God, you are truly a God of wonders.