Sore Loser

ha ha, i made a bet with God.

Surprise surprise...I lost...AGAIN!!!

I'm kinda thinking the jokes on me.

Good Golly, My folly

How much is too much. I know you want me to be happy, but I know you want me to be happy in your timing. I keep trying to do things my way, but your way is better.

Am I doing more than you want me too? Am I Pushing too hard? Or am I doing the right thing and just getting cold feet?

Maybe just a little help?

The Prince of...Catoosa?

We've been talking about Moses in my sunday school class at church(yes, the one i'm teaching). To get a visual, we've been watching Prince of Egypt concurrently with our passages of scripture. Today we started the plagues and Moses' Retun to Egypt.

Moses talks to Pharoah and gets turned down, in addition to giving the Isrealites more work. In the movie, Moses then walks through Goshen and somebody throws mud at Moses, causes him to lose his footing, and he falls into the mud himself. Aaron then goes on a rant. "Do you know waht it's like now, Prince of Egypt?" Moses begins to feel sorry for himself, saying God sent him. Aaron asks when did God start caring.

Then Midian comes up to Moses and says "All my life I've been a slave. And all these years I've been praying, and God hasn't answered any of my prayers, until now. Moses, he saved you from The river, he saved you from Pharoah, he saved you in the desert, and he saved you in Midian. God has a purpose for you, and I think it's too save us."

Not in the scripture, but based on it.

I used to compare myself to Peter in the Bible, but it seems I have more in common with Moses.

So, i'm not going to give up. I can't. It's not my choice. I've been bred, branded, called. God has been cultivating me since before I was born to do somthings for him. Maybe i'll be a great minister or missionary converting thousands, or maybe i'll bring one guy to Jesus and die in a car wreck a week later. Whatever.

I can't live My life any more. Only his life will do.

In the words on Joshua, who Moses mentored, "As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.

Now that your on fire

I don't know if it's because it's 11 pm. I don't know if it's because i've not had a day off in 15 days. I don't know if it's because i worked 16 hours today, 18 yesterday, and 8 or 9 the day before that. I don't know if it's because i haven't looked inside my bible since i don't remember when. actully, my bible has been in my bag since i went to OCC the last time. I don't know which one or combination did it, but i'm tired, stressed, and ready to give up.

Isn't it funny how the one thing that motivates me to do anything is the one thing that causes me the most problems? Money. I hate Money. I wish i could work for just Food and Tuition. But then theres a car, then gas, then insurance, then WHATEVER!! And so, in order to "make up the slack", i work 58 hours in a week. pretty sure i want to eat a bullet right now just from my feet pain. and no days off until church camp.

I don't understand how i can hate hypocrisy, lying, cheating, and deception SO much, and yet turn around and do those very things.

Ok. that's it. I'm going to bed.

And no, i'm not reading my bible tonight either.

Now I am Unbreakable...wait, is that a crack?

I want to give up. "Give what up?", you ask. All of it.

Ozark. God. Morals. I want to live like i want to live. I want to drink all i want, smoke all i want, have all the sex i want, and not care. I want to stop living destitute and start making some real money with a real job. I want to stop caring about other people and feeling guilty for when i have a "minor" screw up.

But I can't.

God has so entwined himself within me. If i did that, i would need a new home, family, friends, job...even personality, dreams, goals, desires. I can't drop God without dropping everything i hold dear. But it seems like i can't be happy while serving God.

I said I again...and again...

it's all about me. I hate it that i'm struggling with lust to the capacity i was last year. Summer's here, and i'm not at all excited. I'm pretty good at undressing girls in my head, but when they come in wearing hardly anything anyways...

I'm tired of it. I claim to be different, but i act just like the gangbanger next to me. only differnce is he actully goes and has sex with a girl, while i just wish i did. And srry for the "rawness" of this post. betcha didn't know i was such a perv!

Something's gotta give. I can't serve myself while serving God, and i Can't serving God while serving myself. there's no middle ground, no compramise, it's me or God.

I think God will win...but only cuz i'm too lazy to re-live my life...

Selfish or Selfless?

Its really quite confusing trying to hear God's voice at first. I've always looked for the voice telling me to do the unselfish act. But what if what I want is what God wants? i'm not willing to Reach this goal without God, and if I Get the word from the Boss, it will no longer be a goal. But have I? Did God already say drop it and I just missed it?

I want to Do what God wants. And if this isn't of God, i don't want any part of it. But is that really true? or am I trying to give life to something God already Asked me to sacrifice?

I Samuel 15:22 - But Samuel replied:
"Does the LORD delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices as much as in obeying the voice of the LORD ? To obey is better than sacrifice, and to heed is better than the fat of rams.

Did I screw up?

Ramblings of a dead man...

I don't understand.
Am I a failure?
Are they important?
Is this your will?
Will I always have this "achilles heel"?
Girls are dumb.
Boys are dumber.
Girls should know better.
She's not really all that.
My bible is dusty.
I never say Amen, only put you on hold.
I want to sing.
I want to cry.
I want an "August Rush".
I am cheesy.
I am sarcastic.
I need Sleep.

This has been an update from you're local "Dead Man Walking"...

The force is...strong, in this one...

As the school year comes to a close, i look back on what I, one who was not in school, have learned ths semester. I some ways, i have grown at an accellerated rate, and yet still other ways i have stood firm or even backslid. But i am not the man i was on January 18th, 2008. Even though i have not been in school, God's been teaching me ministry, Labratory style.

Talking to people at work, Living at home with my family, Touching the lives in my youth Group, and even supporting my friends back at Ozark. God has found ways to use me and help me find out how i can serve him better. I've watched people grow in the Lord, and it gives me a high. I've watched people discover thier inner gifts to serve and it makes me write songs! I'm pastoring others and i can't stop!

la la la la

so i haven't posted in 3 weeks...

and i'm not really posting now. i have work at 6 am, so bed calls to me.

but i will share this thought...

I watched iron man tonight. in one scene, Tony Stark's "Personal Assistant" and only friend decides to quit. Tony say, " i can't do this without you". She says, "I won't watch you kill yourself".

Tony looks her in the eyes and says, "I should be dead right now. So why am I alive if it's not for a purpose? I'm not crazy, i just finally know what i'm supposed to do!" and goes on from there.

With the circumstances surrounding my birth alone (barring other points of my life), God has to have a plan for me. But i need to come closer to him so i can hear him when he tells me what i'm supposed to be doing.