Phat Pat's Blog

I miss yoiu Card

2010-07-10T07:18:00.002-05:00

Yesterday was an interesting day.

I think God sent me a message letting me know that he missed me and that he was still my friend. As much as I would not have admitted it, that's exactly what I needed to hear...

We talked last night...

I feel better now too

2010-05-30T20:06:00.001-05:00

My D-day Landing

By Liam, St Mary's School, Overton, Wrexham.

The hellish shells flying here and there,
My clothes were ragged they had a tear.
The landing craft was cramped and rusty,
My equipment was wet dirty and dusty.

We jumped off the boat feeling hungry and ill,
Although I was feeling this I had to kill.
The Germans attacked with all their force,
They showed no mercy, no remorse.

I jumped in a trench once on the beach,
I knew where to go what to reach.
With rifle in hand I ran for my life,
D-day was horror a chaotic strife.

I felt so soulless like a killing machine,
Bullets so fast they could hardly be seen.
We advanced from D-day away from battle,
Next through a meadow here lay cattle.

We took some villages and took 'em quick,
I fought and killed yet still felt sick.
My back was aching my feet were sore,
This was my life during the war.

And when he gets to Heaven's gate,
To St Peter he will tell,
One more soldier-reporting sir,
I've served my time in hell.

Beautiful

2010-03-28T19:51:00.002-05:00

I Love the Word Beautiful. It is used in so many ways, but it still means the same things...

Beautiful Woman, Beautiful smell, Beautiful sight - these express the first and most commonly held meaning of the word beauty. These are things that are pleasing to the senses, and brings smiles to peoples faces.

Beautiful love, Beautiful look, Beautiful child - these are phrases expressing the wonder of relationships, The joy of sharing life with other people.

Beautiful mind, Beautiful collision, Beautiful mistake - Even the damaged, the imperfect, the broken can be Beautiful. This is my favorite part of the word. Beauty does not imply perfection.

Beautiful clouds, Beautiful animal, Beautiful mountains - God shows off his handiwork in nature by making us in awe.

Beautiful cars, Beautiful movie, Beautiful landscape - God also gifted man with his creativity and ingenuity when it comes to creating beauty.

Beautiful One, Beautiful princess, Beautiful Jessie - Enough Said =D

Cleaning

2010-02-19T18:48:00.003-06:00

So cleaning is not that bad... its just grind of knowing you will have to do it again as soon as it gets messy. That must be why I don't mind cleaning for other people...they are making the mess not me! :D

Manly Men

2010-01-15T21:05:00.004-06:00

There are some pretty Manly Men out there...

Chuck Norris
Hugh Jackman
Arnold Schwarzenegger

just to name a few.

It's interesting the kind of men we portray and honor in our movies as well. we have characters like Wolverine, Spiderman, Captain Kirk, James Bond, The Godfather, etc...

I would like to point out the kind of hero I most respect.

Bruce Willis in the Die Hard series is pretty darn manly and hardcore, killing terrorists, blowing up buildings, jets, and even destroyed a flying helicopter with a car once! but in the midst of all this my favorite scene of him is in Die Hard 2.

He is waiting for the (very pretty) airport clerk to hand him an important fax when she says, "how about dinner with me, I get off in a half hour". Bruce holds up his wedding band, points it out, and charmingly says, "just the fax babe".

Meanwhile, the Godfather kills for no reason, Kirk has a woman on every planet, and Bond hasn't even seen a girl he hasn't slept with.

Bruce Willis is a man...

****

And now for something (kinda) on the subject that I found funny:

http://www.livescience.com/culture/090129-hormones-faces.html

ha HA!!

2010-01-15T09:22:00.003-06:00

Health and car insurance for when i'm married will not kill us!!

In fact, We'll be ok!!!

ha, HA!!!

...

That is all.

bleh...

2010-01-10T00:38:00.003-06:00

I Ache from my core to my knees and elbows. Past that I'm numb. I can't breath with my nose which only makes my throat dryer, and when I sneeze, my ears ring and lights get disorientingly bright.

I'm too tired to sleep apparently too. I really want to ask someone else to work for me tomorrow or to skip church. Alas, company is over however...

Yay!

2009-12-28T19:41:00.001-06:00

Beautiful Girl is making me Beautiful Baked Macaroni And Cheese.

And we are going to cuddle and watch a movie together.

And there is no one here to stop us, nothing here to interrupt us, and no responsibilities that keep us apart.

We get to spend time together again!

I've missed you Jessie... :D

Merry Christmas

2009-12-19T15:23:00.002-06:00

Ah, Christmas time. A time of family, friends, food, and gift giving. that last is the one everyone thinks of isn't it?

I think I've discovered a secret subliminal message.

"Merry Christmas"

Who said it - What it means

Random Stranger - "I'm being polite"
Postal Worker - Thanks for the Extra hours
Retail worker - Your signing my check buying here
Panera Employee - Got out of the way there are 20 people in line behind you
Your boss - Glad YOU get holidays off

Ah, good ol' American Capitalism is alive and well...

Stupid

2009-12-16T16:21:00.000-06:00

Did you have to use that word?

Should I be worried...

2009-12-15T12:32:00.002-06:00

...that I can't think of anything to say that would be appropriate for the World Wide Web to see?

People

2009-12-06T14:57:00.003-06:00

Yesterday at Panera bread, I was reminded that people are not just tools. People are people, created in the Image of God, and paid for by the blood of Christ. Each and everyone of them unique. It was two mentally disabled strangers that reminded me of this.

Why did it take them? Why couldn't it have been my friends I've been abusing? What my roommate I've been taking advantage of? Or my Finance' whom I have been a stranger too?

Got this from Mosaic Mercy...

2009-12-03T00:38:00.001-06:00

Jesus is washing Obama's feet...

And Osama...

And George W. Bush...

Do we forget our Lord's great Love for ALL men?

How I feel...

2009-12-02T23:28:00.001-06:00

Give me wings,
Give me peace.
These are the things that I need.
I'm tormented, broken and shamed
Are you listening?

Give me shelter from the storm,
I know it's a lot to ask for,
Considering how recent I've piled the dirt on your name.
Are you listening?

In this where I am for your sake,
Stuck between sleep and awake?
My mind is dreaming of things.
Are you listening?

I took you for granted again
And threw you aside
And pretended for one minute that I had control of my life,
And direction it seemed to be in
I was wrong again...
are you listening?

I will wait for you to come again,
And I can't pretend like I'm confident
And I can't pretend like it makes much sense when it doesn't.

Stories

2009-11-21T11:26:00.002-06:00

I've been Reading(A Million Miles in a Thousand Years) about how Donald Miller has learned more about himself but simply studying the dynamics of a story. I've learned recently about how I've become the antagonist in my story, instead of the protagonist. Reading this book makes me want to live more intentionally.

I find it quite ironic that, recently, I have been pushing the players in my RPG group to learn who their characters are, and to act as if they are that character. I want them to Role-Play Intentionally. Why is it such a big deal? Grand quests, epic adventures, and heroism are tasks achieved by people, not robots. Why does a story work that way? According to Donald Miller, "Stories are a condensed form of life".

Oh Snap!

If I want to have a life full of grand adventures, heroism, and excitement, I need to start living like a person who cares about things, who has beliefs and opinions. People without many opinions or much drive to fight for them are the easiest to get along with, but those people with opinions who can tell you all about them without destroying you are the most interesting, popular, and Fun people. Its the people who believe in something so strongly that they are willing to DO SOMETHING about it who are the leaders of peoples hearts and minds.

Coin is Tossed...

2009-11-19T15:54:00.003-06:00

It is, for all intents and purposes, "in the air"...

It's falling, falling, choosing a side...

I'm blowing, and waving, to move it...

But I have no control, no matter what I tell myself...

The coin (cont.)

2009-11-19T10:25:00.001-06:00

I must remember, I am not the only one with a two sided coin...

The coin landed...

2009-11-18T23:25:00.002-06:00

...and it wasn't on the side I expected...

And yet, I didn't flip the coin...

I placed it.

I didn't let life happen to me,

I happened to live.

...

And i'm not even Chuck Norris. :)

Two sides of one coin

2009-11-18T17:59:00.003-06:00

Two separate emblems
a tail and a head,
but when on paper,
only one word is read.

The coin is the same
regardless of side
and neither is greater
but balanced in-tide.

Each side is quite different
that is plain to see,
with good things and bad things
each to the same degree.

And so they are even
and one must now choose,
which bad thing is lesser
or which good thing to lose.

The Wall

2009-11-02T01:52:00.001-06:00

I did what you've been asking, no, BEGGING me to do, something I've been afriad of...

...I spoke, boldly, truthfully, and honestly...

...And my fear was realized ten-fold.

Redo?

2009-10-24T17:57:00.003-05:00

Is it normal to look back over your life and wish you could redo some things? not all of it, just maybe a year or 2. And not even everything but just the things you did wrong...terribly wrong. Oh how I wish I could change things, build habits that would've helped, made relationships that were important, and strengthened existing ones that are now broken down...

Ces't Le Vie'...

Weary

2009-10-16T11:34:00.003-05:00

I'm Tired of a few things...

I'm tired of getting hung up on by people I am trying to help. I sincerely want to help them, and it hurts a little when they don't even let me try.
I'm tired of being judged unfairly. I make this one mistake and suddenly i'm at the bottom again. all of my "above and beyond" performance (your own words) is forgotten in the light of this one mistake I made!
I'm tired of females. Do NOT hear me say I'm tried of Jessie. I adore her. but for more reasons than I care to explain I would love a "Male only" day or two.
I'm tired of this concrete kingdom, of being surrounded by roads, cars, gas stations, buildings, radios, machinery, cell phones, and noise! I HATE that my work has trees imprisoned in its parking lot for "good looks". the trees look like their dying! I want to walk in a forest, listen to a brook, lay in the grass, watch the wind sweep across a field, watch the sunset from a mountain or hilltop.
I'm tired of being surrounded by people obsessed with being sexual. they seem to make it a point to be hard on those of us who are not. Oh yeah, and they constantly remind that they are "recruiting". Virginity truly is a treasure, and it becomes more valuable every day, sometimes by the hour. I can't wait to give it to My wife one day to show her how important she is.
I hate the corporate world. I'm so tired of feeling I'm worth less if I'm not at least moving towards the top. I JUST WANT TO START MY OWN BUSINESS!!! WHETHER I GET PROMOTED OR NOT IS NOT A MEASURE OF MY WORTH AS A PERSON!!! ITS NOT EVEN WHAT I WANT TO DO!!!

Phew...glad I got that out before my head exploded...

Why

2009-10-10T22:26:00.005-05:00

Why? That is the question I ponder tonight...

Why did you pick me, out of all the options? Why didn't I read the warnings? Why did I creep forward? Why didn't I charge forward?

Why did I choose the friends I'm surrounded with? Why did I pick him? Why do I hang out with her? Why don't I scrutinize more?

Why did I follow my eye's curiosity all those years ago?

Why did I let you do this to your life? Why did I snatch away your freedom? Why does it seem like I'm killing your soul?

Why do I always blame things on other people? Why don't I take responsibility? Why don't I stand up for what I believe in? Why don't I stand up for a friend?

Why don't I let myself be Angry? Why do I stifle my Passion? Why don't I let myself Feel?

Why do I wish I could re-live the last 10 years of my life?

The Face of Love

2009-09-21T22:32:00.002-05:00

I've seen your face on stained glass, in colored lights
In pictures of you looking to the sky
You've been portrayed a thousand different ways
But my heart can see you better than my eyes
'Cause it's love that paints the portrait of your life

The face of love
The face of love
You look more like love every day

I've read your words in the pages of your life
And I've imagined what you were like
I may not know the shape of your face
But I can feel your heart changing mine
And your love still proves that you're alive

The face of love
The face of love
You look more like love every day

You are the face that changed the whole world
No one too lost for you to love
No one too low for you to serve
So give us the grace to change the world
No one too lost for me to love
No one too low for me to serve

Let us see... let us be your face
let us be your face

The face of love
The face of love
You look more like love every day

~Sanctus Real

eh?

2009-09-21T00:25:00.000-05:00

haha...muggles...

so ingenious they are

Coolest Blog ever

2009-09-11T23:51:00.001-05:00

Little Miss Muffet,
Sat on her tuffet,
Drinking her gasoline.

Along came a spider,
with a cigarette lighter
And blew Muffet to smithereens!

Bad Day...

2009-09-10T23:55:00.003-05:00

So work sucked,
My neck hurt,
My phone is broken,
The bank is a Jerk,
My date plans changed,
then they changed again,
then they changed back last minute,
Then I ate 3 gluten filled items,
Then I realized Amazon is 3 days late on paying me,
then I was almost late to my date...

Then I forgot all that...
For 3 of the most wonderful hours of my life...

Ladies and Gents,
Jessie Denbow is my Fiance' !!!!

(turns around)
(SCREAMS, YELLS WOOTS CLAPS HOLLERS AND DANCES)
(turn back around calmly)

My day wasn't so back I guess. ;)

same-oh, same-oh

2009-09-04T12:42:00.001-05:00

Its been this way for days...weeks...nope, months...

Who is to say its going to ever change? Maybe I'm the only one who can change it.

Circles

2009-09-04T00:11:00.004-05:00

Both from the same town,
born and raised,
but in two different circles,
were their choices made.

One in the country
with sky's deepest blue,
the other 'neath city lights
of all different hues.

And then for a short time
their circles were crossed.
And yet in this short time
their separateness lost.

Now once again
these 2 separate souls
are making their choices
in circles alone.

But hidden from eyesight
and the scrutiny of man,
Is their secret circle,
made of one silver strand.

Fish Tacos

2009-09-03T22:40:00.001-05:00

Fish Tacos

Ingredients:

6 Corn Taco shells
2 Tilapia Fillets
1/2 cup diced onions
1/2 cup diced mushrooms
4 tablesppoons Olive Oil
1 tblsp. Chili powder
3 cloves freshly diced garlic
crushed dried red peppers
Grated cheese
Spinich leaves

1) ut 2 tblsp. of olive oil in a skillit. Suatee the onions, mushrooms, and garlic.

2) in a separate skillet, put the rest of the olive oil in, and fry the tilapia fillets until they easily flake.

3) slice up the tilapia fillets into bits and add the vegetable mixture. add chili powder, red peppers, and mix.

4) heat up the taco shells. put on meat mixture, then cheese, then spinach leaves.

5) Enjoy!

Serves 6

Prep time: 20 mins

Beautiful Soul

2009-09-03T15:36:00.003-05:00

I went to the Social Security Administration Office today expecting once heck of a boring time waiting, then talking with a sour-faced, ugly, over-worked government agent who would try to make my day as bad as her's. I was pleasantly surprised.

My wait was very short, just couple minutes. The lady who helped me was sweet, pleasant, beautiful, and ... autistic. She had to use her entire right hand to hold my driver's license. She held the mouse with a slanted left hand, which held a huge 3-set diamond ring. They were at least 1 carat a piece. I fought back the urge to tear up as she told me about her sister in Oklahoma, and about her wonderful husband and how good he is too her, and about her 2 boys! Her face was so bright, so happy. That's why she was so beautiful. Her eyes glimmered with the joy of love and contentment.

I think if my soul was half as beautiful as this sweet woman's, I would not complain about my life. I would not be so selfish. I would do things like fill out the 4 page Social Security Card Request Form for people so they didn't have to. She did that for me, even though I could have moved the mouse faster, and typed with more agility.

Sometimes, I envy people with disabilities for their happiness. All of us normal people seem to be sad, whiny and selfish! ;)

Here's a secret for you

2009-09-03T09:06:00.002-05:00

A lot of the time, I avoid doing things because I simply assume I'm going to fail (or at least do poorly). I don't like failing at anything (most people don't). For some reason however, I will sometimes go and do things, even though I expect to fail. What's funny is that 7/10 times I do this, the experiance goes rather well. For example, I just got hired on at a office. Like I have a cubicle. Full-time Job. Never had one before, but I've always wanted one. However, when I walked in there I thought "your wasting your time". I almost got up and left during the super long waiting periods I had. But I got the job!

Why don't I try things more often? I don't consider myself a failure deep down. Really, deep down I have humility issues. Could it be I'm afraid of actually exceeding other people's expectations? Or even my own?

So...

2009-09-01T10:31:00.001-05:00

Its been a long time since I wrote a song. Like, a REALLY long time.

Also, I've been considering trying a gluten free diet for a month. they are supposed to be really healthy and really cheap. Sadly, my considering didn't finish before the turn of the month, but what the hey.

And I decided. I am going to make a flier for a christian small group and post it at MSSU. I wonder if anybody will turn up...

2009-08-27T00:23:00.001-05:00

I don't even know what to say...

I think its hard for me to blog because I'm not sure that anyone cares to hear what I have to say...

And even if they do, I'm not convinced they should...

-------------------------------

And so I drift in a wave of depression and self pity, someone I judge other people often, and something that will not solve anything nor serve anyone's purposes.

Fireflies

2009-08-25T14:12:00.003-05:00

I Like to make myself believe,
That planet earth turns slowly,
Its hard to say that I'd rather be awake when i'm asleep,
Cuz everything is never as it seems.

~Fireflies by Owl City

Watching this video again almost made me cry...

I want to dream again,
I want to have ideas,
I want to live, instead of just simply living.

Fun!

2009-08-23T00:37:00.002-05:00

Its so good being back with the people that I know and love. I will miss living among them, but living near them will have to suffice. It's so much better than this summer has been. Even with uninterrupted access to Jessie, this summer was...lonely.

Me and Joe played Wii earlier, and before than, Peabody, Josh, and Kelly let me join them in searching for a Russian children's movie.

I feel...

2009-08-17T23:18:00.002-05:00

I feel...

Sad
Embarrassed
Disappointed
Frustrated
and oh so tired!

What is going on inside me?

Quote of the Day

2009-08-08T17:13:00.002-05:00

"It is when we change from looking at ourselves with our imperfections, sinfulness, and helplessness and turn to the Lord Jesus and see and depend on His power and perfection, that we can expect a transformation to begin." ~Bill Stroud

I'm very self-critical, so this is something to think about...

¹⁶ Nevertheless when one turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. ¹⁷ Now the Lord is the Spirit; and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty. ¹⁸ But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord. 2 Corinthians 3:16-18

Trapped

2009-08-06T20:26:00.004-05:00

Why did I let you talk me into Coming? Because I thought It would be different. I always think that.

I make sure to enter this thing with a good attitude, with a right mindset. However, you point out my few mistakes, tell me I have not changed, and write me off as selfish.

Oh and thanks for valuing my opinion when I try to point this out diplomatically. You once again just assume you know everything. well, I'm not changing my mind, just tactics. You were right, this IS my last vacation with you.

It's not about being right. It's not about getting my way. It's about respecting me as a freakin' person. Even if I wasn't moved out you would treat me this way.

I feel trapped here. At least when I visit in Tulsa, I can just drive home when I've had enough.

Pacing

2009-08-05T20:14:00.003-05:00

I wish I could make my family feel what they make me feel. I wish they could understand whats its like to be judged for everything you do. To be babied like some helpless Child (at 20). To e called incapable because you can't do something (especially when you never even got a chance to try, they just assumed you would fail so much that the story goes that you failed.)

I'm so __________ tired of my Family right now...

First Day!

2009-08-02T21:32:00.002-05:00

Today was a day of firsts for me! Both Good and bad.

(-) I was Hit on by a girl wearing very little clothing. As cute as her face was, her lack of clothing was quite repulsive. I told her I was already claimed in the sweetest way possible.
(+) I walked around an amusement park by myself, at my pace, where I wanted. It was quite refreshing to be able to set my own timeframe and path.
(?) I told my dad what I really thought about HIS additude on this trip. I'll get back to you on this one.
(+) I watched a show at disney that scared me terribly in 1999. This time, I was awe inspired and the music almost brought tears to my eyes it was so moving (the music, not Mickey Mouse at all).
(?) I share a room with a girl! Slow down people, she's my sister. So far, we're surviving, but 1 night as roomates isn't very impressive. :)

It was really fun. Lots of little stories about life, love, friendship, brotherhood, and Being a family. This vacation will be good for us, even if its hard.

Huh?

2009-08-02T16:25:00.000-05:00

Here I am...

And there you are, WAY over there!

...How did you get there?

Plane Ride

2009-08-02T00:53:00.002-05:00

Flying to Orlando today for our family vacation was fun! I've been on planes before, but this time was a new experiance: I got to sit by myself! Away from my family, I was surrounded by complete strangers. This gave me a whole new perspective on the travel time, and I learned alot about things by taking time to think them through.

From the ground, I look at clouds and imagine what else they look like. From the air, I do the same thing to the ground. The Question crossed my mind, "Does God or any angels do this on days off?"
People in airports are entirely way to stressed out. Everybody is short, in a hurry, and really quite rude. I understand the frustration involved with planes delays, but do you have to treat others as less human than yourself?
The tops of clouds look so funny, silly, and yet, soft. All of this doesn't explain why I imagined me and my sweetheart (Jessie!!!) dancing a waltz on top of one. :D
My Father taught me well about "being a man". For a long time I blamed an ex-girlfriend of mine for my passivness as a man. However, I think I simply followed my dear dad's example.
Girls who are easy, sleezy, or just plain immodest, are not attractive at all. Quite honestly, they make me very sad, and some induce a urge to vomit. I'm not excited about Sumertime Orlando.
Style is in the eye of the beholder. Therefore, one does not learn "Style", but one can learn another person's style, and choose or not choose to adapt it into thier own style. I have my own tastes and preferances and should express those in a loving way! Maybe I can inspire others the way that some have inspired me!
My life really has been boring this summer! I don't do any friend stuff with my friends, and even though Jessie loves all the time we've spent together, it wasn't time well spent. I have not utilized my time and brain power in a way that benifits others. I have not thought for or cared about other people, and so, I stopped learning about them, I stopped growing with them, and therefore, I stopped Loving them.

It was indeed quite a plane ride. Pictures to follow! (Though maybe only on facebook)

Love

2009-07-25T20:06:00.008-05:00

The feeling of being ...

liked...

wanted...

asked for...

cherished...

adored...

...

Needed...

This feeling, this is the hearts desire of every man, woman, and child on GGE (God's Green Earth) (sorry Sunday School Musical). As a man, when I feel this, I am more productive, more logical, happier, I think more clearly, and its easier for me to fulfill my role as a servant. When it's missing, I survive. But i'm cranky, tired, upset, stressed, and generally not as nice of a person.

I find it absolutly amazing how much God created us to not only need him, but each other.

"This is your life...

2009-07-09T13:28:00.002-05:00

...are you who you wanna be?"

The familiar words to the switchfoot song. I pondered this query today. Am I someone I love? That I like? That I'm just OK with?

What about my new found criticism towards all things holy? I belittle Christians for being cliche, for practicing any tradition, or sometimes, just for being Christian. I lack self-motivation in many areas, and I lack self-control in others. I have the common practice of dancing around subjects of conflict just so I don't feel threatened. Oh yeah, and I quit both my jobs without a back-up in place.

Wise Words from a Wise Man

2009-06-05T15:42:00.002-05:00

The 8 Virtues of Success:

1st - Be clean, both inside and out.
2nd - Who niether looks up to the rich or down on the poor.
3rd - Who loses, if need be, without squealing.
4th - Who wins without bragging.
5th - Who is always considerate of women, children, and old people.
6th - Who is too brave to lie.
7th - Who is too generous to cheat.
8th - Who takes his share of the world and lets others have thiers.

~George Washington Carver

Oooh, shiny!

2009-06-01T15:28:00.003-05:00

Silence is golden, but like the "heart of gold" that can't even beat, All things golden are not always good.

I wish i didn't retreat to the silence. I'm so afraid of hurting others and even of being wrong, that I don't say anything. But I have too.

I'm going to track my progress daily for a week. If I meet an oppurtunity to speak out and take it, i get a point. if I don't speak, I lose a point. I'll post my (hopefully positive) score next week.

Weddings

2009-05-17T10:09:00.002-05:00

I'm going to a wedding today. Weddings are funny things. Two people, Two very different people, coming together and making a commitment that no matter what happens, they will love and serve each other. Forever. Thats one of the most unsafe, impractical things I've ever heard of.

So why do people do it? Sex? I'm sure at some level. It is the only way a moral Christian will ever experiance human sexuality. But that's a pretty weak and superficial reason to trade for that commitment.

Fear of Lonliness? I think we're closer, but not quite there. But it does seem great to imagine someone who will always be there with you. Who you never have to say goodnight too. Someone who knows you, and I mean KNOWS you, and still sticks around.

Marriages are funny things. They're like a birth. There is a new creature coming out of the marriage. It's exactly like Jesus and his church. He eagerly awaits, as much as we do, the oneness that will come from reuniting.

Why do I want to get married someday? Sex? Well, yes, but thats only a piece. Lonliness? Of course, but I know that relying on one person too much is a bad idea.

1) I want to be known. I want to share life with someone, with one particular person, in such a way that no one else in my life can compare with.

2) I want to have a partner, someone to love and support me when I need her, and someone for me to pour myself into because she needs me.

3) I want to show a lost and dying world the kind of unconditional love that our God has for every single person on this earth. Its inconcievable to have it for just one person, and God loves everyone.

Aubrey, Curtis, You're about to embark on a grand adventure. it's going to be hard at times, but the thing to remember is why you started the adventure to begin with....

...So you could do it together! :)

I felt poetic today

2009-05-14T15:03:00.002-05:00

There is this guy I know,
With pure and raw talent,
He could change the world,
With his arms behind his back.

The trouble with it all,
Is that he knows its true,
And so he leaves them tied,
And closes his eyes too.

He wants to change the world,
To make the people see,
But he doesn't want to work,
To set his own arms free.

If only he would learn,
To first go free himself,
before he tries and fails
to offer others help...

Missing you

2009-05-08T23:36:00.002-05:00

I'm back at home with my family, and it's good. I miss my brother, he's at his senior prom right now, but it's good to be with the rest of the family. I'll see him tomorrow.

Grandpa and Nacho were the ones I missed the most. Nacho is just cute and fun (thought not as cool as Jessie). My Grandpa however, has such a wonderful sense of humor. I've missed his clean, uplifting, and even encouraging humor. the worst he gets is calling me a "punky kid". I've really missed you G-pa...

Aviators

2009-05-07T11:07:00.002-05:00

This morning, I was driving back from Neosho. Instead of enjoying the summer air and warmth, I was crying. Me and God were having a very emotional Conversation. That conversation is not what this post is about however. This post is about what happened when I got off the Highway.

I pulled up to the stoplight and immediatlly became aware that I looked like i was crying (cuz I was). I didn't want people(whom I didn't know) to see me cry (which they coouldn't from outside the car anyway). I then realized I was "safe". I had my aviators on. They covered my eyes so completly that I had no chance of being discovered.

We do this all the time don't we? We have an irrational fear of people hating the stuff deep inside us, the real us, that we put up our aviators, smile through the tears, and say everything's fine. But it's not. We need to take off our sunglasses and be more open and honest with our Christian brothers and sisters.

Holy

2009-05-06T21:17:00.000-05:00

Holy is such an overused and misunderstood word.

Holy
–adjective
1.specially recognized as or declared sacred by religious use or authority; consecrated: holy ground.
2.dedicated or devoted to the service of God, the church, or religion: a holy man.
3.saintly; godly; pious; devout: a holy life.
4.having a spiritually pure quality: a holy love.
5.entitled to worship or veneration as or as if sacred: a holy relic.
6.religious: holy rites.
7.inspiring fear, awe, or grave distress: The director, when angry, is a holy terror.
–noun
8.a place of worship; sacred place; sanctuary.

The closest is #4.

Holy is separate. Pure. Godly. Well, God.

God is holy, Holy is God.

Therefore, be holy as I am Holy.

Maybe we need to stop asking "when am I sinning?" and start asking "How can I be holy?".

Broken Hearts

2009-05-06T14:54:00.001-05:00

Yesterday i was having a really good day. Lots of good things were happening for me, and all said life was really good. But for 20 minutes, that didn't matter.

First I saw a girl(Girl L) who had recieved a broken heart from a boy (Boy C), and was now with another boy. I then saw that boy with another girl(Girl B), who had recently had her heart broken as well(Boy D). In the same room, was another girl(Girl A) whose heart was broken by Boy C, but was now with another boy(Boy T) and very happy. I then saw Boy D, who appeared to be having a bad day. And as I entered my Dorm, I saw my Dorm Mom cleaning stuff out of thier apartment, and down the stairs was Dad Cleaning out his office.

So much pain. So much Separation. It reminds me of one of my very first posts...

It was about Death.

Death is a separation...of body and soul.

Separation of people, feels like death. I've felt separation. I've felt that longing. I've felt that hoplessness that comes with not knowing where to go or who to turn too.

I went to my room and prayed for those people, through tears...

Romance

2009-05-03T19:45:00.002-05:00

What does Romance Mean?

Ask a typical male and you probablly get a half-baked response involving flowers and candlight dinners.

Dictionary.com says:

Romance
–noun
1. a novel or other prose narrative depicting heroic or marvelous deeds, pageantry, romantic exploits, etc., usually in a historical or imaginary setting.
2. the colorful world, life, or conditions depicted in such tales.
3. a medieval narrative, originally one in verse and in some Romance dialect, treating of heroic, fantastic, or supernatural events, often in the form of allegory.
4. a baseless, made-up story, usually full of exaggeration or fanciful invention.
5. a romantic spirit, sentiment, emotion, or desire.
6. romantic character or quality.
7. a romantic affair or experience; a love affair.

I have another definition to submit. Romance is proving you know someone so well, that you can do things that make them happy without being asked too. Notice, it's not just an inttelectual knowing of someone, but also action with this knowledge in order to make them happy.

Any comments?

it is...

2009-04-29T08:59:00.000-05:00

its a beautiful day today. i wish terriblly that i didn't have to spend all day indoors! For Freedom! For Outside!

Wild at Heart

2009-04-21T18:29:00.001-05:00

I finished the book "Wild at Heart", and I'm left wondering, How do I make it happen?

control

2009-04-19T20:10:00.000-05:00

Its been on my mind...

http://cgg.org/index.cfm/fuseaction/Library.sr/CT/PERSONAL/k/230/Fruit-Spirit-Self-Control.htm

...The other's Gold

2009-04-11T19:20:00.002-05:00

I spent the weekend with an old friend. He had been dearly missed, and he helped me to regain focus and balance. My time spent with him helped too give me a clearer picture of how to better interact with my closest friend and my Heavenly Father. It was an excellent time of refocusing for myself, and a time of encouragement for him. I hope I keep my promise to stay in closer contact with him so i can be of further encouragement and growth for him.

My eyes are dry

2009-04-03T10:53:00.002-05:00

My eyes are dry
My faith is old
My heart is hard
My prayers are cold
And I know how I ought to be
Alive to you and dead to me

But what can be done
For an old heart like mine
Soften it upWith oil and wine
The oil is you, your spirit of love
Please wash me anew
With the wine of your blood

***

I'm so tired of "serving God" in a impassionate way. I'm tired of just floating instead of Actively seeking to live a holy life. I'm apologizing to anyone i may have hurt or given a poor example too. I'm restarting this, I am Hungering and thirsting after righteousness.

Discouraged

2009-04-02T23:40:00.002-05:00

There have been times at my church that I've wondered why I'm still there. I want to blame the pastor, the students, the whole congregation. Even here at school, I've felt discouraged. I've considered leaving so i can find something more beneficial to me, something that helps me grow.

And then on Sunday, I shared with my entire church my passion for working with students. All of a sudden all my discouragement and tiredness began melting away.

We need to talk about our passions, our loves, our callings. If we don't, our passions will dry up.

Encouragement

2009-04-02T14:57:00.003-05:00

Encouragement is such a funny word. It is such a necessary word. We as Christian brothers and sisters need to encourage one another.

But what about when your encouragement is taken as criticism, not because of your words, or tone, but because of their lack of confidence in themselves?

What do you do for the person in that situation? What can you say to encourage them and to let them know you care and are building them up, not secretly taking a stab at something about them?

maturity

2009-03-23T00:11:00.000-05:00

All this talk about accellerated maturity here at ozark, and yet, I don't see alot of it. Our conversations are ''less than spiritual'', and in the dorms :and sometimes outside them: we cuss as we discuss sex, drinking, and other ''forbidden things''.

Worship

2009-03-21T22:13:00.003-05:00

It's kinda funny. All day i've been meaning to post on my blog about how bad the worship team was on wednesday night at church and how we botched my 2nd favorite worship song (Hosanna), and yet, now i'm here and, it doesn't matter. The students were worshipping. I had an encounter with God myslef later that night. Heaven forbid we have a spiritual experiance originating somwhere besides a hillsong song. The Lord will be praised. regardless of whether we are the ones doing or the rocks on the ground in our place, the Lord WILL be praised.

Who you Are ~Unknown

2009-03-21T00:49:00.002-05:00

At the foot of the cross
I stare in Amazement.
My hands they reach up
I know that your real.
As my sin comes in contact
with your perfect nature
I'm changed, I'm cleansed,
and I'm healed

I am Changed by your love
I'm am Cleansed with your blood
I am healed just to know who you are...
Who you are...

But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.
~Eph. 2:4-10

2009-03-20T18:55:00.001-05:00

I've missed having cats at college...

The slow moments at QuikTrip

2009-03-17T23:41:00.002-05:00

Today I went back to work at QT. I got to work with my old manager and, surprisingly, with an old friend. I got to re-enter the world of retail, a world of corporate structure, of policies and procedures and standards. It was somewhat refreshing to once again be surrounded by structure that I was not responsible for. And yet, since my store was located in North Tulsa, I saw up close the reason I went to school in the first place.

I saw Emma, who stole some money from her parents(before they could buy drugs) and came to buy food for herself and her brother.

I saw a young girl come in and buy condoms so she could express her love to her boyfriend...little did she know what was in store.

I saw a young man come in and try very hard to be gangster. I could have done better. This young man was black. But that is his culture, and he was trying so hard to just fit in.

These people are who God has called me too. He won't let me escape them. I found them first in dallas. Then in Tulsa. Then in Mexico, and even in Joplin Missouri! The young ones, with so much future, so much life, so much potential. The ones who are broken, and helpless. When I see them, and think about them, I understand Chris DeWelt's passion for missions. The plight of Inner city youth brings tears to my eyes.

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.
~James 1:27

Lets do it, Lets Fall in Love

2009-03-15T23:22:00.001-05:00

Love is a profound mystery. It keeps you awake at nights and makes you daydream throughout the days. And the whole world becomes beautiful when you find that someone special to fall in love with. But it is easy to fall in love and difficult to keep it alive through the course of a relationship.

********

When the little bluebird
Who has never said a word
Starts to sing Spring
When the little bluebell
At the bottom of the dell
Starts to ring
Ding dong Ding dong
When the little blue clerk
In the middle of his work
Starts a tune to the moon up above
It is nature that is all
Simply telling us to fall in love

And that's why birds do it, bees do it
Even educated fleas do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love

Cold Cape Cod clams, 'gainst their wish, do it
Even lazy jellyfish do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love

I've heard that lizards and frogs do it
Layin' on a rock
They say that roosters do it
With a doodle and cock

Some Argentines, without means do it
I hear even Boston beans do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love

When the little bluebird
Who has never said a word starts to sing
Spring spring spring
When the little bluebell
At the bottom of the dell
Starts to ring
Ding ding ding
When the little blue clerk
In the middle of his work
Starts a tune
The most refined lady bugs do it
When a gentleman calls
Moths in your rugs they do it
What's the use of moth balls
The chimpanzees in the zoos do it,
Some courageous kangaroos do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love

I'm sure sometimes on the sly you do it
Maybe even you and I might do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love

needless

2009-03-08T20:03:00.003-05:00

All my stressing, All my Worrying, was absolutely needless.

The retreat was great.

Today

2009-03-06T09:43:00.002-06:00

Its here. Today is the day. Is all of my planning coming to fruition? is all of my hard work going to pay off? Am I going to be satisfied?

But wait, why did I even plan this retreat in the first place? To serve God. To spread the Good News of his Son.

So the better question is, Will I give the credit to God? Will I step off of my Pedestool and let God rule like he does anyway?

Surprisingly good time

2009-03-04T13:56:00.001-06:00

Today I spent time with, laughed with, and enjoyed being with someone I never thought I would. It was both refreshing and convicting. I was so sure this person was not worth my time.

And once again, Pride rears its ugly head...

Story time

2009-03-04T00:11:00.002-06:00

Once upon a time, there was a valiant knight, the greatest warrior in the kingdom. He attended an arena fight, and he brought along his lover, a very beautiful woman. He was deeply in love with her, and to illustrate he kissed her fervently throughout the battle. In sheer hardness of heart, she threw her glove into the arena with the gladiators and ferocious beasts, and said to him, "If you truly love me, you'll go and fetch my glove".

At no small risk to his own safety, he immediately entered the arena and recovered her glove and returned to his seat. Then, seeing her true character revealed, all of his love for her became contempt, and he threw her glove in her face. The King noticed this act of bravery, and discernment of character, and publicly honored the knight, shamed the woman, and offered his daughter in marriage to him for his service, wisdom, and of course the entertainment. The knight fell in love quickly with his new wife, Loved her fervently and passionately, and they lived happily ever after.

Steak it to the man

2009-02-27T01:36:00.004-06:00

I'm gonna let you in on a little conversation between me and God. Please note, some details have been changed to protect the innocent.

(I'm looking at a 12 oz, medium rare, T-bone Steak)
Me: I'm so hungry.
God: Don't eat that Steak.
Me: But God, I need to! I need the protein, I'm hungry, and it's already here!
God: Don't eat the steak. I know you need those things, but don't eat THAT steak.
Me: Why?

God: For Christ's love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again. So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view. Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! ~2 Cor. 5:14-17

Me: ...what?
God: You are a new creation. you no longer have the habits, or desires, or needs of your old self.
Me: Yeah, but it's a steak. Eating a steak is not a sin. Unless your re-enacting the old law.
God: No, I'm not. However, you don't need that steak. I promise you, if you eat that steak right there, you'll be sick. However, I can also promise you, if you don't eat that T-bone, I'll give you a 22oz Rib eye, cooked exactly the way you want it. It will be the best steak you have ever, and will ever have! I want you to trust me, wait on me, and let me show off.

Hahaha! You know you're a fat kid when you draw spiritual parralels with food.

Lovless

2009-02-26T00:14:00.004-06:00

So here is a quote for you to think about. I asked a friend, "Why is it that all of us (meaning my friends) are so mean to each other?"

She responded, "That's how we love each other."

Just let that sit for a moment...

No, read it again...

Does that even make sense?

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
~I Corinthians 13:4-8

That's not how I treat my "friends". I've seen recently I treat my "enemies" even worse.

This has to stop somewhere.

Anger

2009-02-23T23:51:00.002-06:00

I'm learning more and more about this sickness known as anger. I've never really experienced it before, and so, I'm pretty ignorant when it comes to expressing it healthily. I've been learning about what chronic anger can do to a person, emotionally, spiritually, and yes, even physically.

The tension that I place on myself (of course) seems justified, and maybe it is. but whether it is or not is not really the issue. The issue is whether I can express my tension, anger, and frustration in such a way that I avoid hurting myself, and more importantly, others. Anger leads to rash decisions, which lead to people (other than just yourself) being scarred emotionally, broken down spiritually, and maybe even physically harmed. And yet, sometimes anger is the fuel by which great change is enacted.

My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you.
~James 1:19-21

I have a word planted in me. This word is the saving grace of Jesus Christ. Thanks to his grace, I'm not an angry person. I'm not a sinner. I am Righteous. I don't have to live this "old life" because thanks to the blood of Jesus, that's not me anymore.

Communication

2009-02-23T10:35:00.003-06:00

It is a luxery to be understood. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Communication is my word for the year. Its kinda cool how wehnever somone points out a weakness to you, you suddenly become aware of it. I used to think I was a good communicator. Now I realize I was naive.

Communication is so simple, and yet, at its very root, it is (as Greg Hafer would say) an "ambitious undertaking". I mean really. Its pretty audacious to claim to be able to transfer ideas from our own head and into someone else's. It's not like a computer where u drag and drop. there are varying degrees of understanding, all filtered by each indiviual's unique background and and emotional energy they may attribute to the ideas.

But i'm up for the challenge.

Beautiful

2009-02-19T20:53:00.001-06:00

Beauty is skin deep. But, ugly goes straight to the bone. Even though I am a guy and I am primarily visually stimulated, true beauty is about what kind of person you are, not how beautiful your looks are. I know some beautiful people, but they are ugly on the inside.

I hope I'm Beautiful.

Follow the Leader

2009-02-17T14:20:00.002-06:00

So, thanks to a Mishap involving the Spygame, I havn't been able to access my blog or me Gmail for the last couple weeks! Frustrating!

I found a passage yesterday that really spoke to me...

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? I the LORD search the heart and examine the mind, to reward a man according to his conduct, according to what his deeds deserve.
~Jeremiah 17:9-10

I am learning the art of not "Following my heart", as so many are prone to tell me, but leading my heart. I examine myself. I see the Love, compassion, caring, and goodness, and I nurture it. I see the Poisons of Criticism, Pain, Jealousy, Anger, and Bitterness, and I begin flushing them from my system. I try to take Paul's advice...

Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
~Romans 12:1-2

I work at Leading my heart, and renewing my mind. By doing thus, I will better be able to hear, interpret, and understand God's will for my life.

Today

2009-02-05T21:42:00.002-06:00

for a while there, every day was like this: I can't wait for today to end, but i'm not ready for tomorrow to get here.

Thankfully, Color is starting to return to the world. I now enjoy the day, and while I eagerly await tomorrow, i'm perfectly content with today being just that...

Today

The Cloud

2009-02-03T00:54:00.000-06:00

The stuff that keeps you up late at night worrying about it...

Thats "The cloud"

Life is full

2009-01-27T16:35:00.002-06:00

I wrote a Song on Sunday, titled "Life is Full". I'm not ready to share it yet, but I do want to share what its about.

The verses each portray a part of life where things did not go as planned. It shows how even when Life stinks, good things come from it. Even when things we've hoped and waited for fail, we can still take something away from it and have a good time.

Depression (in some but not all cases) is a choice. If you truly wish to be a happy person, the only person who can do that for you is you! You can do things to contribute to your happiness, such as hanging out with people instead of being alone on the internet all the time, or spending time outside instead of being indoors all day every day.

Eat Healthy. Get some sleep. Hang out with people who care about and love you. In short, Take care of yourself!

Play time

2009-01-26T12:14:00.003-06:00

Today I auditioned for the part of Professor Harold Hill in The Music Man. I felt REALLY good about the audition. Mary Green was impressed and asked where I had been hiding. It's made me think about how different my life will be if I sign on to this. I will more or less have NO life for the next 3 months.

But I really think it will be worth it.

Lost

2009-01-25T00:09:00.002-06:00

Its amazing how much a small thing can bring Joy.

Last Night, I got to go dancing again for the first time in a couple months. It was Glorious. And Earlier Today, I got to Jam with some good friends. Playing Worship Music loud, proud, and with all Holds removed, I got to free my soul in a way I have not in a very long time. Getting Lost in the music, Lost in the praise of our heavenly Father.

I've missed that...

Word of the Year

2009-01-22T00:32:00.001-06:00

If I had to pick 1 word for last year, the word would be moderation.

After only one month, if I had to pick a word for this year, it would be Communication.

2009-01-20T22:42:00.001-06:00

I hate having a Messiah Complex.

Comon...even Jesus didn't have one!

Righteous

2009-01-17T14:45:00.003-06:00

21But now a righteousness from God, apart from law, has been made known, to which the Law and the Prophets testify. 22This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference, 23for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, 24and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. 25God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood. He did this to demonstrate his justice, because in his forbearance he had left the sins committed beforehand unpunished— 26he did it to demonstrate his justice at the present time, so as to be just and the one who justifies those who have faith in Jesus.

~Romans 3:21-26 (Emphasis Added)

Thanks to Jesus, God looks at me and see's Jesus. He sees perfection. He doesn't see all the dirty, nasty, sinful things i'm guilty of. God Says I am Righteous, and now I get to live like its true. This means I don't have to prove myself...

Not to God...

Not to my Parents...

Not to Anyone...

I don't have to let my Messiah Complex Rule my life. I don't have to fix everything, for God has "Reconciled all things unto himself". I am actually Free from the weight of sin. Shame is needless. it is against everything Jesus wants from his followers! I'm tired of being Ashamed of myself. I'm going to let God believe I'm Perfect, and i'm going to do everything I can to make it so in my timeline.

Weary

2009-01-16T23:37:00.002-06:00

Sometimes, people have a way of calling at the absolute wrong time.

Combination of who the person is, how they are, and all the "stuff" going on in your head...

And you want to blow up on this person...but you can't because they need your help...

I am weary... weary of holding my own wants, desires, and even problems above those of others...

I want to be more like Jesus...

Really?

2009-01-15T13:42:00.002-06:00

All the time, I hear people talking about things they wish they could do. Maybe they want to play an instrument, or, Maybe play a sport, or maybe they have a dream they want to realize...

But do they really?

I Told my Parents that I wanted to learn to play violin, but I didn't have access to one to practice on. For Christmas, they Got me a Violin. Now I'm faced with an Ultimatum: Do I really Want to play Violin?

It will Take Effort, Practice, Time, Work... Am I truly Willing? Will I pay the price in order to learn?

In Chapel on tuesday, Juliet told a Marvelous Story about how God Changed her life. However, She changed only when She told God she was Ready. She came to school because she is serious about helping other women.

Did she really want too? Change Hurts. Stuff gets moved around, added, and some even gets removed. It takes alot of time, and alot of effort.

She Really wanted to Change... so she did...

Einstein, Beethoven, Louis Pasteur, Mother Theresa, Martin Luther, And MANY others; all of them REALLY wanted something. So they made changes to their world.

So tell me, Do YOU really want anything?

No...REALLY want something?

Mighty To Save

2009-01-15T11:39:00.000-06:00

Sitting here in chapel and listening to everyone worship...

Knowing Each Individual Singing has thier own story of God's Grace and Power...

God Truly is "Mighty to Save"

Necessary Adaptation?

2009-01-14T23:52:00.003-06:00

We, as humans, By our very nature adapt to the environment we are in. All of God's Creation does this, it's Darwin's "Natural Selection". Those that Adapt survive, and those that don't die.

There are many ways Humans Adapt. We adapt Emotionally and spiritually just as much as we do Physically. In fact, many Personality disorders are just that, the mind's attempt at Adaptation. Trading something for a Short-term "coping skill" with Long-term Consequences, Like Multiple Personalities, or Clinical Depression.

So, how does one know when his/her adaptation is More harmful than helpful in the long-term?

Ducks

2009-01-14T00:07:00.003-06:00

Have you ever been to a lake with Ducks? The ducks pretty much go off and do thier own thing and ignore people. Unless you start tossing bread. All of a sudden, the ducks are your best buddies! they'll come over and eat, and some will even come up to you and beg all cute-like and stuff!

Then, you run out of bread...

And the ducks leave...

And Ignore you again...

And you're alone, but this time, without any bread...

People can be like ducks sometimes...

Chickenz!!!

2009-01-13T12:03:00.003-06:00

I hold in my hand a piece of charcoal. A piece that would hold buckets of meaning for peter. To me, it simply illustrates how I feel inside.

Today...The rooster Crowed...

Plans

2009-01-09T09:50:00.003-06:00

Even The Best Laid Plans Never Survive Contact with the Enemy. ~General Dwight D. Eisenhower

If rules were made to be broken, then plans were made to change.

New year...

New plans...

New people...

New Patrick.

I guess you could say I'm making my first New Year Resolution.

Clothes

2009-01-07T21:47:00.002-06:00

I got these new gloves, the fingerless kind, and i've been wearing them and a stocking cap all over the place. I made sure to wear a beat up pair of Jeans and of course my Jacket. The looks I got from people were absolutly hilarious! I think most people thought i was homeless.

This makes me wonder, how often do I judge people simply based on what they are wearing?

Budgets

2009-01-07T13:56:00.004-06:00

I've been constructing a budget for this new year and i've realized something: I make a TON of Money! I can't believe how much i've actully been making. I haven't realized because I haven't tracked my spending. By controlling what I spend in a month, I have resources beyond anything I had imagined! I thought that I'd save a little money by making a budget, but i'm literally putting $500 dollars a month into savings!

If anyone out there needs help creating a budget, I can get you an Excel Sheet that works out all the numbers for u. It helps u schedule ur debt repayment, build a monthly and annual budget, and even anticipate ur taxes!

Self-Case-Study

2009-01-04T14:26:00.004-06:00

It Seems I have a Messiah Complex.

I have a hard time letting things go. I have this Idea in my head that I can fix any problem, anytime, anywhere. And many times I won't let go of something even if it's not worth recovering anymore.

Now this, of course can lead to problems, as I can be hurt by things repeatedly while I fruitlessly try to fix them. It also leads to a certain level of guilt, as I believe it was my responsibility to fix, so by failing I fail not only myself, but anyone else involved. This is why I can sometimes be a chameleon, changing myself into whatever I need to be to "Fix the Problem". However, extended periods of Changing leave me feeling fake and useless.

On the flip side, this can be a strength, as it takes A LOT for me to give up on something I've buckled down and committed too. I'll ride the boat down into the water, repairing it even as it sinks, praying that if i fix this one spot, it will sail to a shipyard where I can Really Repair it. Sometimes this has HUGE payoffs, as I have saved relationships, jobs, and wound up back at school doing this.

I Know that my ability to change is a part of who I am. However, if I focus on it, and ignore the rest, I forget who I am. There are parts of me that I don't want to change, parts that are not affected by my "shifting" unless I go for a long time. The "shifting" is important to me, and it's something about myself I love and would NEVER trade, but it's very dangerous to myself and others.

***

The other parts of me I wouldn't change: I'm Loyal to my friends. I think this is a part of that Messiah Complex. I have a very hard time letting people go, even if they're not beneficial or important to me. I could never intentionally cheat on my spouse or significant other, and I honestly don't understand it when people do. Having feelings like that for more than one person at a time just doesn't seem possible to me. Monogamy is the only possibility in my mind. It's not even an issue of it being right or wrong, but simply of ability.

I also grow attached to certain people quickly. When I meet someone, within 5 minutes of conversation and observation, I have all their stereotypes pegged. My mission from that point on becomes to get to know you better to destroy those stereotypes. With certain people, I find their personalities so undesirable that I just tend to leave them in their stereotypes. With other people, I quickly grow close to them, Especially if they choose to Confide in Me(See Trust). When People Confide in me, My Messiah Complex comes into play, and I try to help them become better and, if nothing else, happier people.

Regardless of what people may think, I'm VERY emotional. Much as I seem to have a hard time expressing Emotion, I more often think with my feelings than with my head. In fact, one of my biggest problems is I make quick decisions based on feelings, and no head knowledge. However, I've made decisions that I thought so long over that I forgot how I felt. My decisions were "the Smart ones" but some of them i don't think were "the Right ones". I've always "searched my feelings" and tried to have a command of the facts at the same time. Feelings tend to carry more weight than facts, at least to me, so that's usually where my decisions wind up taking me.

2009-01-04T08:06:00.002-06:00

Sometimes, God has a way of saying "Shutup! Just let me work."

Then he just starts showing off. :)

Trust

2009-01-03T05:49:00.002-06:00

I'm come to discover that I have an Incredible ability to make people trust me. Now I don't mean that I'm a Good at lying, But i Simply mean people tend to confide in me and find me to be a trustworthy person. Some recent Examples:

The Teller at the bank let me open an account if i promised to bring my passport the next day.
One of my Tables left me a Tip AND a Donotion to the Youth Group.
Another one of my Tables consisted of 5 high schoolers who asked for directions to my church.
A women offered to "Take me home with her" because I seemed like a nicer guy than she was used too.

This kinda stuff happens all the time. Some of my friends, I wonder why they ever started sharing things with me. Some people That I know intimately, know hardly anything about me even as they share their innermost feelings with me. This has advantages, such as being able to "sucker" people into tipping better. However, this ability, combined with my new found determined-ness to be my more outgoing self, has led to several recent encounters With people and God:

Heather - A wiccan, Married mother, who shared with me her hate for the church and her husbands open practice of black magic.
George - A Ex-Gangbanger from Cali who's just trying to make a new life for his wife and little baby boy.
Alex - The Pessimistic High school drop out who thinks that humanity is headed for the toilet and can't be saved, even by this probably non-existant God.
Lisa - The Disabled, Destitute, Tattooed, Tabacco Chewing Woman who wants more than anything else to take a couple classes at OCC.
And there are SO many more!

I'm always amazed by God's ability to use me and work through me even when at times i feel like a big walking heap of trash. God Truly does use the weak to lead the strong.

I truly pray I continue to become less, so that he can become more!

Unexpected Blessings

2008-12-30T13:38:00.003-06:00

When I went to work last night, I expected to have a slow night, make maybe 20 bucks, and then go home and play Video games with the guys. Instead, I went to work, made almost $30, met a new Server, Talked into maybe coming to church (he's 17), had a good talk with heather, and then AFTER work i randomly decided to goto Wal-Mart. At Wal-mart, Jeremy Was sitting outside waiting for a cab! I got to give him a ride home AND we talked at his house until about 2:30 am!

I'm placed in Awe by God. I've felt so distant from him these past few weeks. but now, looking back, i've found that God doesn't feel far from me! He's placing me in these situations expecting me to excel, and I do! I got closer to Jeremy last night. It seems once again my 1st impressions were right. Me and him are VERY similer. We talked and shared, and realized we struggle with alot of the same things.

I'm very excited for this New Year. :)

Communion Serving

2008-12-29T01:32:00.004-06:00

My church once again surprised me today. In the past, only the Elders and the Youth Minister have been able to serve communion. No longer. This Sunday a High Schooler served. But not just any Student. Kellen, our Autistic 21-year-old. As I saw this take place, it made me proud of this church. They may not have everything right, but how many human institutions do? They have quite a bit right, and they are trying VERY hard.

Ballad Unknown ~ Bait

2008-12-27T15:04:00.000-06:00

Shifting sands are
tripping me up
my thoughts of lately
don’t seem to add up
they are
broken
misguided and running amuck on
where this
is going
and what’s up ahead for me

And the unknown
it plagues me
and it swallows me up in doubt
my focus is shattered
and my courage is cast about

In all this I wonder
where my mind
lost its touch
the truth is
worry puts me
out in the cold

I’m missing the moment
when I made my mind up
to follow my dreams and
never to give up
but the future
it beckons
for me to make a move
to a place
I’ve not seen
and It’s hard to take that step

Imagination spent
to center on this bane
is wasted and
I’m left with nothing
more than complications
I can’t see through
can’t get my hands around this threat

And the unknown
it plagues me
and it swallows me up in doubt
my focus is shattered
and my courage is cast about

In all this I wonder
where my mind
lost its touch
the truth is
worry puts me
out in the cold